Your Friend Who Doesn't Hate You Somehow, Abalone

Dear Ham,

So they found Emma’s body finally. It took three weeks, but the police got around to checking the woods twice. I have to say, dumping her body into the stream in the middle of the forest was rather clever. The murky water really did mess her up, although the woods was an obvious place to check. Personally, I think you could have taken it a step further and tied her to a rotting deer or something, to throw off her scent from the police dogs, but that's just my opinion.

By the time they found Emma, she was a disaster. It was revolting, seeing one of your friends’ bodies rotting away. I wasn't even supposed to see it, but I pushed my way past the officers anyway. The trauma I received from looking upon her decaying body will last about a good lifetime or so, you know how it is.

You probably knew that we would all figure out in the end. Otherwise you would still be here. But knowing you, you would have run away anyway. You are always so sensitive to guilt. After all, you're Honest Abe. But that’s a good thing. You’d disagree, but guilt keeps us sane. 

It didn't take long for the blame to land on you since you obviously hated Emma so much. You were especially verbal about it when she stole your pocket knife the day before. I get that you hated her, but was it necessary to call her a w***e, all because of a crummy pocket knife? And as if that wasn't bad enough, you had to straight up kill her the next day. I sometimes wonder how you and her were apparently friends once, a long time ago.

I feel responsible somehow, like there was something I could have done. This past year I saw everything slowly changing for the worse. I could have helped you somehow.  Maybe both you and Emma would still be around if I did.

Alfred was the first to suggest that you did it, and at first we all were too scared to even think such a thing. Everyone but Caroline gave up on trying to deny it in a short amount of time. Caroline has been hoping for the best even after all the evidence found, but I think now she’s finally coming to terms with the truth. 

I’d also like to point out we saw that your web history included the Google search, “Where to hide dead body?” I actually laughed when we found that, I mean, how could you not?

Your parents are doing really bad. I remember how you always said things like, “They don't care about me at all.” That never was true at all. They're broken because of all of this.

You are worrying Marisol and Howie to death (Is it too soon? I couldn't resist, sorry) as well. Marisol is leaving for college in a month, so your recent disappearance is not making her move any easier. As for Howie, oh God, he really looked up to you, you know that? I can't stand to be around him anymore because I hate to catch him in these moments when there's tears billowing in his eyes. Those episodes happen so often. He said he doesn't care about you killing someone. He just doesn't want his big brother to end up in jail like your grandpa. Did you think of your family at all before all this?

You're famous, all over the news. Remember how we'd joke about you being on TV as a judge in Cupcake Wars? I’d rather watch you overly criticize flamboyant cupcakes and crush bakers’ dreams than see your school photo under the headline “Connecticut Teen Murders Fellow Student” or “Abraham Palomer Still Missing after Three Weeks.”

At school, literally everyone can't focus anymore, the students, or the teachers. With summer coming, we were all losing it anyway, but it became so much more difficult in the past weeks. 

A lot for the girls in our grade hate you now, but that's not surprising. Emma was popular among them. But some of those idiots, you know who, are actually happy that you killed off Emma. I really hate those guys more than ever now. They're just so mean, always saying these terrible things about Emma and the rest of our friends and you and me. And even after she's dead and you're gone, they still say crap like nothing matters. To be honest, the things they say are more dreadful than murder.

As for the teachers, they refuse to give any attention to the situation. Mr. Can has completely forgotten about reading Macbeth after Emma died. Before we all laughed at all the death happening in the play. Two weeks ago, students were sobbing so hard when we reached this part where the son of Macduff died, and he was just a nameless minor character. We never continued reading 

after that, and the entire story was ripped from the final.

Mrs. Daniels was teaching us about the laws regarding murder in class the day after you left. She was obviously forcing herself to teach that stuff, so that lecture was probably coincidentally in her lesson plan. It was unfortunate timing, but that class made me realize that as much as I want you to come back, I still won't see you much if you did. You'd be in so much trouble, what with the laws and certain people want you dead. Every now and then a small side of me would think that maybe you'd be better off not coming back, but then the majority of me would want to see you again more than ever. 

That's right, I want you to come back. As for the others, Alfred is devastated about Emma. I’d like to think that he doesn't hate you now, but that seems very likely. Jason is also, of course, upset about everything that happened. Yet I think he'd like to see you again too. Caroline isn't speaking at all now. You know how she wasn't much of a talkative person before, but I haven't heard her speak at all since you killed Emma. That's understandable, though. One of her best friends is dead and the other ran away. I can't imagine that pain. She knows both you and Emma better than I do.

I only really knew you for what, a little over a year now? I would have never thought that in a year, life would become rather hellish. It makes me want to turn back time so this would never happen. 

The one thing I know for sure about you is that even if you ran away, you'd always be back at Baskin Robbins for National Ice Cream Day. You said you've been there every July 17 for the past ten consecutive years. And you'd always order your favorite flavor, nutty coconut. I still remember when I joined you guys for National Ice Cream Day from last year. Oh, the infamy. You went crazy when they ran out of that disgusting flavor before we arrived. But that was a happier time. Now I can't help but feel sickly nostalgic. I hate the taste of nostalgia more than nutty coconut ice cream.

July 17 is 27 days away from the day I am writing this.  This year I’m planning on going with only Caroline and Jason.  The three of us will be staying in Baskin Robbins the entire time the place is open, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m.You once swore that you’d only miss National Ice Cream Day when you’re dead. If you don’t show up between those hours, we will seriously assume the worst. 

You'd think it’s a stupid plan, and I kinda agree, but it's all we got. You left your phone smashed in your bed sheets and there's so many other places you could be.

Because of that, I’m having trouble on debating where to leave this note so you can find it. If you’re reading this, that must mean wherever I decided to hide it must have been a great decision. Jason said that there’s a one in a million chance that you would even see this, let alone read through the entire thing, but I’ll still try for what it’s worth.

With all that said, I seriously miss you Ham. I don't know how everyone else feels, or do I even care, but I want you to come home. Please don't be afraid. I actually  forgive you for everything. I was heartbroken at first, but staying heartbroken forever seems to be really boring. Whatever happens next, I'll always think of you as a great person and one of the best people I've ever met.

It's terrible and stupid of me, maybe, to still think that we could remain friends after this. I feel like I should actually hate you so much right now, but I don't. Despite everything, I refuse to think less of you. And you need help more than ever. These weeks have been rough, but I can imagine it has been hurting so much more for you. We’ll fix this mess together, I promise. I really hope you're still alive, otherwise this whole note is pointless.

But I’m determined nonetheless. I have to let you know that some of us love you still. Come home, Ham. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Your friend who doesn't hate you somehow, Abalone

P. S. Coconut and nuts shouldn't belong together, and definitely not in ice cream form.

P. S. S. If you're incarcerated when you return, I promise I'll bring you your dumb ice cream flavor on a waffle cone everyday.

P. P. S. S. If you don't want to come back, please at least take care of yourself. I don’t need more dead friends.

P. P. S. S. S. The last day of school is tomorrow. I thought you'd like to know.

P. P. P. S. S. S. I'm the one who stole your pocket knife.

I'm sorry. If there's anyone to blame, it's actually me.