Frozen Flowers

27/2/13 I based this on the idea of leaving the world behind like a flower that didn't rise in spring to blossom again.. Our fragility gives us every day uncertainty surrounding death

We wake,
Some of us rise,
Will today be of demise no-one knows but of plundering persistence,
As desolate fields veiled in white,
Silent without a trace of light like burning embers,
solemn with absent gratification of the moment passing.

Unblossomed buttercups await their time
Of fluorescent sublime and other will relinquish.

Frozen flowers do not fear,
Your time was small and smothered though radiant all the while.
Fragile as doubles gone and yet to follow,
Taken from afar.
Alike and different as you and I.

Author's Note

First piece for a while, I am unsure whether to extend this or not, it'd be good to hear opinions on if this feels unfinished or not!

Reviews

[Patrick O'Neil]

Really good read. Great imagery and use of words to set the tone. Like this lines the most:
"Unblossomed buttercups await their time
Of fluorescent sublime and other will relinquish"

It was well placed sort of a balancing point in the poem. Great job.

[Poetic Beauty]

Flowers are much like people. They have their time to shine and never know just how long they have to be in this world. There time can be long lasting or overcome by the from before their time. I love the metaphor of the flowers and relating them to people.

[Ohhhwillow]

Exactly! Thank you for reviewing! :)

[Poetic Beauty]

No problem. It was a great piece to read

[Gerald Parker]

Hi Willow! You've received lots of reviews - I hope you're feeling encouraged. There is tremendous ambition in this little poem, great depth for one so young - I hope that doesn't sound patronising. You have a great feeling for imagery. I would suggest revision of line 3 - it either needs punctuation or a small adjustment. I'm also puzzled by 'Fragile as doubles gone and yet to follow,' - it may be me being dense, perhaps check it out with someone else. Having been a teacher, I'm rather picky - one of our fellow poets took offence at my comments offered in good faith and blocked me! I've posted a little piece about it, called 'Writer's Block.' I look forward to reading more of your writing. G

[Ohhhwillow]

I highly appreciate that you have taken time to thoroughly read this! It's not patronising, I feel flattered, thank you. I shall have a look, I understand my punctuation and structure is off putting to some so I will definitely see how I can improve in this area. I was there referring to the flowers, resembling people, they pass away, as others have before and those who will in the future, in our mutual fragility any second we could become another taken breath. I like picky, it gives me food for thought, so thank you. I take no offence, I very much embrace critisicm!

[Gerald Parker]

You're welcome. Are you doing your Highers? Are going to University, which one, what are you going to read, English? You'll probably stay in Scotland, yes? And avoid the fees?

[Ohhhwillow]

I am doing my A levels, I'm at a Scottish school but we follow the English education system. I have applied to do philosophy at universities mainly in London, as although it is free in Scotland, I really wanted to study there! :)

[Gerald Parker]

Not Durham, my university? Obviously if you go to London, it will a great experience......but expensive. Philosophy, wow! You must be very clever!

[Ohhhwillow]

Nope, although I think some friends may have applied there. Yes, I think my parents are primarily concerned that I am too far away for them to look out for me haha! Thank you!

[Larry Dyson]

yes, extend it.take the differences of you and I as the line to expand upon?

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for you input, I will take a look at it and see how I can advance there!

[Larry Dyson]

I do love your thinking and Poetry about it.. more please?

[Ohhhwillow]

Haha well feel free to review another and send me a read request anytime! :)

[Larry Dyson]

ty..i've noticed lately that I usually write short poems.. I'm working on longer ones now..i usually dont send out requests

[Frieda P]

Stunning read, I see no reason to extend this, it's succinct and says what you need it to say...a lovely yet, smack you upside the head kind of read. I much enjoyed it.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for your kind review!! :)

[Salar Majak]

Frozen flowers do not fear,
Your time was small and smothered though radiant all the while.

damn!!!
this is really both chilling and a beautiful expression!, beautiful!
you have such an amazing talent,great write

[Ohhhwillow]

Wow thank you so much Aurora, I wasn't sure with this one, so thank you for your positive review! :)

[Salar Majak]

:)you are very welcome

[quinfinn]

i see no need to embellish upon a complete and viral work, this is positively, insanely gorgeous! i love the fact that the entire piece acts as a metaphor, that took skills...you should be proud of this one, Willow......very nicely done!

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you so much, I always so look forward to your reviews. :) Means a lot

[quinfinn]

you write well, Willow.

[beautiful dreamer]

wow! this is great as is!

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you!

[beautiful dreamer]

welcome!

[zainul]

Brilliant work.
Keep it for reviews.
You may expand or revise later.
You don't need to hurry or worry.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you Zainul :)

[zainul]

You are most welcome,dear poet :)

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarri..]

Its been a while since you wrote! Nice awakening :)

[Ohhhwillow]

I know, probably why this isn't a very strong piece, I fear I've lost my creativity at the moment :(

[Adam Lebzo -RonninWarrior-]

No! No! never say that!
It's a phase! All writers go through that
much common!

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for you support Adam :)

[mikl paul]

the middle stanza is brilliant.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you Mikl