Velvet Massacre

9/2/13 Brought into a world of greed what more is there to do than love. When all around is burning down I want him to hold me

The narcissist drops his seed
And begins this vicious cycle
Of putrid greed,
A snakes horizon.
Like a thousand rotting suns,
We burn.

Caving and cracks of self-destruction impel,
A velvet massacre we volunteered for so well
Now defines our golden cradles.

Our foundations decay,
And wise men collect their anonymous ash;
A consumers confetti,
That lasts not beyond the confines of a gated mind.

This reckoning is clear,
As my conscience
At your faintest touch of flaring skin.
Empathy traces my spine,
An apocalyptic prime
That never lets go, as all else falls in crimson.

The sky lays snowflakes
And we set them ablaze.
These days are few
And futile without amities breath.

Author's Note

Could do with a lot of improvements, if anyone has any constructive criticism it would be appreciated!

Reviews

[Salar Majak]

it's beautiful, sorry if i have not any improving critisizm about it, but i have to say, i read this with my fingers in my ears because of the noise of my family, and that gave such a creepy voice to me, it added to the poem's beauty, the end, the ending of all, the burn.
i love this!

[Ohhhwillow]

It's strange actually imagining our writing being read by others, first time it has really hit me haha picturing the sound of a loud family blocked out by fingertips of my reviewer! Thank you very much. :)

[Salar Majak]

hahaha yeah i'm just that odd, i kept telling them to shut up but the conversation was at it's hight so i had to block them :P, you are very welcome!!

[Dana Alsamsam]

"And wise men collect their anonymous ash;
A consumers confetti,
That lasts not beyond the confines of a gated mind."

i thought this image was amazing and pure! i love the ideas you present in these piece and weave together so well. setting fire to the snowflakes is so contrary and an intriguing event to picture.

my only criticism would be that the random bits of rhyme seemed a little bit out of place. really great work though :)

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for reading Dana, I understand the sporadic rhyming is not for everyone, sometimes I feel as though it carries the flow of the poem more smoothly, however you may well be right, and I appreciate your valid input as something for me to definitely take on boardd and consider! :)

[Dana Alsamsam]

yea definitely don't change anything that you don't want to ever :)

[B-poet]

This is a very passionate & emphatic type of poem. Loved your choice of profound diction all throughout. Great work. A riveting write and read. :)

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you! :D

[RainDancer1997]

This was a great poem also Willow:) I always feel like I could be standing in your poems by how much imagery you have:) Great job:)!!!

[Ohhhwillow]

Wow that's great! Awesome, glad you liked this and thanks for reading!

[Patrick Henry]

Wow!! I'm stoked to find Aurora here, too. lol Your language, diction, puncts, and tone are ....amazing!! I can usually write SOME kind of comment and this stunned me!! To give you a "critique" on what would change and other stuff, I would if you read ME, but only because I would know how to approach it. Your poems... you are gorgeous. Even your dark poems are beautiful. lol xoxo -Mark

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for your enthusiastic response Mark! I'll be sure to read s couple of your poems and review as honestly as I can. :) You're far too kind! I'm glad this was appreciated! :) xoxo

[Patrick Henry]

I was thinking, at first, that maybe I was in a "mood" that was a little bit too happy. ....nope. I wasn't! lol You are amazing. What the impression that I got off of reading you at first is this poem that has been worked in the introduction to sound a certain way and that's exciting to me. Has that same rush of respect and "cool stress" that I would relate to a first date with a gorgeous girl in High school. lol I was looking for the "normal" hiccups that I usually see and there were only what grabbed at me, opened me up, and gently tossed down my throat... these wonderfully crafted lines where each new stanza and line only added to the mystery and beauty of what proceeded it AND succeeded it!! Definitely, a fan of yours already..... If I was to hear you read this ALOUD on a video or in person? .....You write like no one I know. How is that?! lol You are so beautiful..... If my friend list saw this comment, most would see and understand the rarity in my praise for your writing that excites, turns on, and teaches. Love it. xoxox -Your Mark

[Ohhhwillow]

Haha I understand Mark, sometimes it takes reading something a couple of time over to ensure that you have not read it in an overly enthusiastic manor! Wow.. I don't know about amazing, but I will certainly take the compliment, thank you so much! I try to avoid minor faults, as I if d even a spelling mistake in another's work can put me off. As a writer it is so encouraging to know my readers are so enthusiastic about my ideas, so your comment has certainly made me very happy! :) In that, I feel I have indeed succeeded. I would rather touch few hearts very deeply than lots only slightly. :) I don't do video readings, although perhaps it is something I should consider, as tone certainly changes the meaning of a piece in itself! Mark your comment has made me smile and made me enthusiastic about continuing with my writing, so thank YOU. :) xoxox

[Patrick Henry]

Thank YOU!! xo That was as lovely and beautifully refined as the poem you allow for me to read.... xoxo -Mark

Stop by sometime. If I understand how to talk to you by seeing how you read ME, it allows me to open up, and give you what you need. : )

[Ohhhwillow]

I shall. :) Send me a friend request and I'll respond to as many as the RR as I can! :) - Willow x

[Patrick Henry]

If I send you a RR, it will be the first of some 5,300+ comments I've received on my writing!! lol GLAAADLY, I will send you a request, though!! : ) xoxo -Mark

[Luke Rawlings]

This poem is really good, the imagery is still powerful. The first line for me was really strong and capitvating. The only constructive criticism I could suggest is structure, from the middle to the end of the poem the lines get gradually shorter. Maybe reflect this from beginning to middle. An added thing might be reorganising words to get rhymes, but you hardly need the extra impact because your words are incredibly powerful.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you Luke I really appreciate your kind words as well as your criticism! My structure often is an attempt to reflect the idea I'm perusing, in this case the feeling is unsurity and in places the consideration of corruption, therefore the middle is the longest as it pulls along as one would in heated debate whereas the beginning and end are supposed to come to a tight close, like the beginning and end of a speech. :)

[Ohhhwillow]

Also I only rhyme if I feel it has purpose and will add to the idea I am concerned with. Otherwise I feel people sometimes try so hard to rhyme they restrict themselves from the real words they want to use.. Poetry for me is natural, flowing, full of energy so when I have a train of descriptive thought I follow it whether it rhymes or not!:)

[Luke Rawlings]

Understood. It was just an idea, but I can see from your points how it flows and why you have chosen what you have. You're welcome, I look forward to reading more :P

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

I can still feel even after reading the enigmatic dark tone of this piece, all of the words creatively expressed the beauty of dark poetry. Love this and the title magnified the whole story to give an epic feel. Love this Willow, truly you are a genius.

[Ohhhwillow]

I was going for a dark tone here, and titles I feel are extremely significant for the visualisation and closure of each piece! Thank you for your wonderful review Marc - although, I really am no genius! Just a young girl with far too much to say haha!

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Hahah :) you are :) cheers!

[Frieda P]

Your writing is very unique Willow, there is a lot of depth to each of your reads. I particularly like this one. You express yourself profound & efficient with each word you choose. I have a peaceful relation with this read, if only people could be as open as this write of yours, we'd all realize a lot more acceptance. Exceptional.

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for your kind review Frieda, I try to be precise with the words I use, no two are the same no matter how similar! :)

[Frieda P]

You do a great job, hard to believe you're only 17, my writes at that age, were just a bunch of teenage rants written in angst.... ;-)

[Ohhhwillow]

Hahahha I'm sure they were rants written wonderfully! ;)

[Frieda P]

I'm sure I thought so at the time also ;-)

[Tai Ryens]

Baby R sent me here as a recommendation claiming our styles are alike; and now, let me say, I have never been more amazed. I love your style, your diction, your beginning, your end, and everything in between. Well done.

[Ohhhwillow]

Ah, Tai! He also recommended me to you, I look forward to reading your work, thank you for your kind words, it's highly appreciated!!

[pasdepoisson]

"Velvet massacre" is a great metaphor for the destruction wrought by runaway greed.

"apocalyptic prime that never let's go" should drop the apostrophe in "let's".

Overall, kind of reminds me of a Disturbed song (a compliment, in my book):
"Our endless maniacal appetite's left us
with another way to die"

[Ohhhwillow]

Thank you for noticing that! Exactly what I was going for actually. I never compared it to a disturbed song, but I am a fan. Thank you for reviewing!!