MY ARM : an estuary of light in which all rivers gather.

when we give in to 'sugar'.

 

 

 

 

 

My dilemma.My world.Something I hated too often.Something I neglected too many times.My place with no oxygen.My spirit.My universe of doubt.My heaven.My earth.My hell.

There are days when I just want to jump and never stop falling.When I need to scream and loose my voice complitely.When I just want to run away in white annealing.Simply become partless.Somewhere where no dilemma can interfear.Where I fly.

 

He is able to lift me higher.To find me with no looking.To feel me.There are days when I hate him.Days when I simply am the Outrage.I hit him hard.With words.I don't see the light he used to be.But he lifts me higher.Always and tomorrow.I should never forget that.Sometimes I do.

Apprehension.So near.

There are no books, no wise men, no quotes nor prudences, that could warn you.About fear.

Yeah, there was someone who said : 'The only thing you should be afraid of is fear itself.'

True.

I fear all the time.But it became a part of me.I no longer ask questions.I loose answers.

I doubt.I cry.Because of you.Over and over again.I apologize.

 

Yeah…He helps me bigtime.He mops the pain with his eyes.Just by looking at them I feel protected.I feel he melts in my world.The world of sweets.Of pleasure and art.Of dilemma.Of heaven and earth and hell.My own.His own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They used to say he would destroy me.He did.But with instant pleasure.Instant love.Something instant that I wanted.Needed.Asked for.Everything instant that I now have.Live for.

They used to say I was too young to do such a thing.To love in such a way.Such a f*****g-new-instant way…

 

 

 

The truth is…I was.You know that crazy feeling, almost frantic and it makes you drain the oceans and go to the third floor without pressing the lift button.

I was that kind of person that would sometimes do just about anything for beauty, what ever that meant.For something I love and find my own.On the other hand I would give it all up just for a treat.

I was strange in every sence.You could see that by the way I lead my life.By the way I let other people lead my life.When I liked someone I was able to let that person hurt me.And not consider it to be a wrong thing. I liked people too much and I liked Him even more…

 

 

To absorb and refuse.The great deal of life is just that : to take and decline.So simple yet dreadfully hard.

When you're five years old and just playing in the park.With your cute dress and lack of teeth.Loving the spring and thinking of summer.A guy comes near you and offers you some candy.Promices a candy floss…so you think about it.You know your mum said never to accept anything from a stranger.You know your teacher told you something about the risk it might be.

That offer is quite tempting.And you love sweets.And you love sweets.And….you love sweets.

That's all.

There's no person, no law, no norm or story that would change that.You love sweets.That's enough.

Consequences?They simply don't exist while you are you.While that feeling of desire is at game.

Even at five.Or at 19.At mature age.When an old one.It's all same.

 

I wanted someone to drag me away from humanity.From all the noices and other people's songs.From ennui and everything safe.Because I was expecting not to be caught when falling through ice.I knew I would fall eventually.Hit hard and never look back.I never wanted to be reached from a frozen prizon or saved from dark.I simply wanted to have fun.To be wrong and like it.I was placed in a cell.I was given my own prison.Locked the shackles.The fear dwelling.I liked it so much.Don't know why…

 

I was changing my way of thinking as seasons would go.The common thoughts of the masses or something alternative and extra that would wade my mind.No one knew what the hell was wrong or right with me.Contrasting too many times.Wondering.Drowning myself in sweet art and flourishing.Dancing naked in the moonlight and drinking green tea.Painting.

Mixing colours with delight...To take a brush and paint the floor.Paint the town.Paint my spirit.My world.The louder the better.The harder the deeper.Being paralyzed.

 

That wasn't enough despite the grand love.

 

My mind was hot with tropical waves and golden beach.The music.Trip-hop.Addicted to it.The people.In their swimming sutes.Addicted.Addict.I need it.Them.The sounds.The feeling.The touch.The environment.

 

Then I saw Him.

Black cap over his forehead.Baggie clothes.Eyes that froze me.Such a look made you run to him at once.Like that feeling when a stranger offers you candy.He was offering himself.Divine.Just like Heaven.

Sounds.Feeling.Touch.Environment.

Him.

I need him.My Addiction.From the begining.In those two minutes I knew one thing: That's it….

My drug that pulls away with no guarantee of return.

Addiction.Afraid.Committed.Beautiful.Desired.

Chase him.

Silly but I did just that.Ran after him.After an annonymous.After 'my never'.

That's how I called him. My never.Cause I never saw a person so divine in my life.

And he was mine, allright.

 

 

 

 

 

Chase this Light

 

 

 

 

 

It takes a strong girl to face her weaknesses.It takes an awful girl to abandon herself.

It's quite funny.When you have something you never even noticed at daily condition.What you considered  to be too good to handle.Too perfect and inaccessible.Therefore sightless.

I was in a very no-words-could-ever-explain-it stage.

 

 

 

 

He was an alias.Different and empty.Empty in a way that he couldn't let anyone hurt him.Anymore.Again.Ever.

I let him know one thing.I wouldn't try to eke anything in any way.I would just love and esteem that void.As simple as that.

And he promiced never to interfear between me and my art.

He said he is sorry for being a problem and sorry I couldn't be the solution.For now.

I was ok with that as long as I wouldn't have to cry.Again.

I decided to chase that light of his.Aldough it was darker than any gloom in a cul-de-sac.

I just had to.

Pick and choose.Absorb and refuse.

I smiled and shared all his colours.His world :

palace of excess and the end of a world.Ritual.Shadows.Dark and stormy.Shattered glass.Twilight of the innocence.Something muted.A trick.

Shut down my sences...Ordionary acts of fun, diluted.

As these songs say...

I forgot the pictures on my tv screen and stole the visions.Stole the purity.

I dreamed a muse.And I liked it.

I chased the light.

Possessing and caressing me.

Like an endless rain getting in a paper cup.

Like a dream.

Just like heaven.

 

 

It was nothing wrong.Nothing to be afraid of.Just a way of being in a dream.

It was nothing wrong.

I did not care about the others.Did not want to care.Who are they to tell me weather I should run or hide or leave or obey.

No.

I didn't listen.

I felt.

Love.

 

 

 

 

 

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

 

 

 

Days slowly underwent those strange and unforgettable moments of stupidity. They were passing as if we were supposed to stop, as if the end of the time would change us…make us regret what we did, what we felt and lived for.Make us stop.Right then.Silly …cause we couldn't.No one can.

When it becomes a part of you, it just is what you are.As unbelievable as it sounds … it becomes your third arm or second nose…or a F*****G another soul…wish, desire, common act, like brushing your teeth or smiling.That's how it was…weird with something awfuly avarage and it was a non-erasable Me.

 

 

 

The first time I saw the thing I had to eccept, was when I came to his house to pick a box of pastels I left the day before.

I was not prepared for anything like that.He never looked like someone…He was so…Yes, he shined the whole room when he entered, and he was always so strangely bright and smiling, always in a good mood, sometimes too good, ey?…But I would never suspect of…

 

Ok, it was just a few days ago that I met him..still, he just didn't look like a junky…aj-aj……I was so freaked…so in a shock…that I almost fell on my behind.

 

But I didn't say a thing.I neglected it. I shouldn't have done that.I should have just said : bye.And that would be it.

 

Instead of running away I sat on the floor near him and smiled. I F*****G s-m-i-l-e-d,

That smile changed my everything. I was no longer able to see all of that as a wrong way. Funny, but it worked just fine at that time.

I accepted it as his own. As my own, and was never again able to look back, to take back that moment.The moment I was off my shoes.Moment of ailment.

I embraced his colours, no matter how dark they were, no matter how white my paper was. I followed him into the dark.Smiled.

You know what?

It's funny how weak a person can be.Bloody funny.

Only a day passed and I was allready instilling a fluid of no-words-can-ever-f*****g-explait-it decay.

I gave in to instant pleasure. Instant way.Instant love.

Instant me.

 

 

 It was like---

Like this album of a band a like.

Just like The Cure,in a different way, different world.

 

                            Plainsong of profane thoughts.

                            Pictures of u down the drain, ruined.

                            Close down in a way really far away.

                            Love song with a footprint of malice.

                            Last dance that began just now.

                             Lullaby that made me stay up all night.

                             Fascination that wake indifference.

                             Street in a village of pain.

                             Prayers for rain making a fire.

                             The same deep water as u are, the drainless me.

                             Disinteregration that made me cry and smile all at once.

                             Homesick with appetite for UNKNOWN.

                           

 

 

 

                  

 

 

No More Keeping My Feet on the Ground

 

 

 

 

 

 

I could hear my resonance.The awful voice of guilt.The noice of lack of resort.

Something I could no longer controle.My dilemma.That world I called my own.

No it wasn't.

World that isn't yours.The world that isn't mine.

I respelled the words I once said with lack of knowledge. I said them louder than ever. As ever.I said them with respond.

The words : No more keeping my feet on the ground.

The respond : You blow it !

You did just that.UN kept your feet on the ground. And those skys made you little. Made you … without you.

That f*****g feeling of resourceless reality.

I blow it.

 

Yeah, right…

Riot out yourself.

Rip the individuality. Be a senior with no mature ways. Be a worm. Sunken,Bitter.Fearful.Down. Be noone.

 

Use it.

 

I've been using it. I'm still using it.

And it never gets to me. The question : how can that … thing, we absorbe, we instill, we use, we smoke, we sniff, we swallow….that came across as nothing, just a little energy picker,some fun…nothing special….

How can that…destroy your ways, your entire self, within…??

Ok, I get the body.It's weak and all that.

But the heart and soul?

 

………

 

Yeah, drugs don't work…That song said something extra good.

They don't work.But they make You not work eather.

That's how I feel right now.

In the skys. My Heaven.My Earth. My Hell…

 

Oh, well….It rains in heaven all day long.

Oh, not well…It's a rainy day in California, too.

Oh awful,…Hell is were I am now. And I'm soaking wet. In the shower of broken ways. Broken dreams. Broken sense.

Broken me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every time you see grey clouds, you think of rainbow.

Those grey ones offer some upcoming rain.Shower of torture.

When the tap is drained, there comes the sun. Light of so-called help.

The sun isn't so helpful as it seems.Those drugs are no good, no matter how yellow they look like.

If you went out on a sunny day.If you instill it.

Then comes the rainbow.

More awful.More wicked.A real hell.

Don't let the colours take you.

F**k the weather.

Toss those pastels.

Since it's too late for me to do it.

I smile.

In pain but smile.

I know I was wrong.

But all it took was to see it back then.Then it would work.

 

 

Colours made me off my shoes.

I was green.Then some blue.

Now…I'm blind.

Therefore red is sightless.

Author's Note

well, that's how people loose themselves with a piece of garbage.
the girl in this story mixed love with instant pleasure, and lost both.
way too many times we misunderstand what love is all about.