Wide Awake

A musing inspired by a documentary

 

So I had a sudden revelation less than two hours ago. Much like any other night, I was awake way past what may be considered a "Godly' hour. Half curled up on the couch as a hint of dawn peeked between the blinds, I stopped flipping channels. I arrived in the dead middle of a documentary called "Wide Awake" by Alan Berliner, an independent film maker. Immediately the film was putting its message across with the portrayal of a successful man enslaved by his advanced sleep deprivation. Alan illustrated how the lack of sleep in his life aided his creativity and imagination, However it tortured his social life and daily personality. Although almost every day Alan was easily agitated, did not appear happy and always seemed weathered down, it wasn't who he really was. It was then that I sat up in an ironic moment of full alertness. All this time i had been convinced that i was severely and even inconsolably depressed. The truth had reared its head as brightly as the sunlight had shown through the window. It wasn't that i couldn't sleep because I was depressed, but the fact that I have always had some kind of problem with sleep that I was depressed. What I had previously believed was a life of constant anxiety and worry was actually a life as a result of hardly ever getting the correct amount of sleep.

    Sleep allows the mind to wind down, to dream about and recycle all of the thoughts that had been processed in that particular day. To worry about something is to have it on your mind more than it should be. I now realize the connection between those two statements, In fact I feel a bit childish for not realizing it before. But why would insult myself after making such a revealing connection? Maybe it's because I am tired after all it is 5:32am and I still haven't slept yet.

 

How am I supposed to think less about the things that make me worry if I don't give myself time to sleep them off?

Even more important, does the sheer fact that i made this revelation at such a late hour mean that I shouldn't change the way I sleep?

Do my best thoughts and feelings get processed at these hours? 

 

    Alan Berliner described how his efficiency at work was directly related to his sleeping patterns. He would get the most rewarding work done while any normal person would be fast asleep. I've made masks, painted, written scores of poems and even edited video at the hours which dared to kiss the morning. Even as I write this thought down, I am up at a time that everyone else  would be relieving stress and resting their brains. I know I could lie down right now but I doubt it would be a success. I will have to wait until my exhaustion is so unbearable that I am certain that shutting my eyes will in turn, shut me down. In the film, Alan was given a remedy for his night owl behavior which could reverse his sleeping patterns and finally allow him to sleep like a normal person. However, by the end of the film he was still conflicted on whether or not  he should even try, the work he got done at the late hours was far too important. He feared that changing the way he slept would ultimately change him and possibly make him less creative as a person.

    Because I don't sleep I am unpredictably irritable, especially in the morning. Without warning I will snap at those closest to me with the subconscious comfort that they will forgive me. I say things I don't mean, I formulate thoughts in my head that I really shouldn't bother with and most of all, I have a hard time letting go of things that have happened a long time ago.

 

So the final question is, Do I risk my creativity so I can be happier and more satisfied by my social relationships and general mood?

Of course, that is... After I write this.

 

Author's Note

Hit me with your best shot, tell me what you think.