During The Abuse

This Is My Account Of When I Was In A Relationship

Recently I've had a couple friends talk to me about their relationship problems. Which has inspired me to share my experience in an abusive/controlling relationship. To this day I am ashamed and embarrassed that I didn't realize it at the time. However, I do want others to know the warnings, the signs. No matter how much you like or love someone, you should not let yourself stay in the relationship. It's unhealthy, seriously. I was the same way. I "loved" him too much.

I was 17 when he & I met back up. We had known each other before this. I liked him from day 1. At the time, he was sweet, fine as all get out, was preparing to enter the Army, had an amazing voice and played guitar. Well then, he went on to the military and became a military cop. We got back in touch through yahoo. He was stationed in S. Korea at the time so we only saw each other through webcam, photos, and conversations over the phone.

Well when he got back to the US, he was living in SC and I in GA and he made a trip to my grandmother's house, to see everyone again, and as he said, to see me. To see where we could go from there. Told me he went and had his divorce from his first wife finalized. Well as much as I hate to admit it, I fell hard & fast for him, for the life he promised me. It was the second guy I had felt I wanted to spend my life with. Or so I thought. I loved him, I wanted to be with him. He had everything I wanted in a soulmate. He had good looks, a career, a home, money, a plan, and talked alot about God. His life was already set up and he claimed he wanted that life to include me. He had the bait and I took it without a second guess.

Well when we first got together it was wonderful. He was.... in a word.... everything. He was everything I could have ever wanted. He only had eyes for me and my friends were envious of this good-looking guy I had managed to get. He gave me his ring, I gave him my heart. He started asking me what kind of ring I wanted for when I became engaged. I told him, he said it'd be mine. We were only a month into dating when he started telling me this. I was ecstatic. How little did I know that the dam would soon break.

A month later, we were riding in the car, coming back from getting lunch. We were discussing something and he looked at me and told me to "shut the f*ck up." I did. I knew I must have offended him for him to talk to me like that, he wouldn't dare talk to me any other time like that. And besides, it was only once, he was having a bad day and took it out on me. Oh well. Who cares? We all take out our bad days on ones we love. That one bad day became more frequent. I could say something and I'd get told that or to "shut the hell up" or was told to keep my f*ing mouth shut. Fine, I did. I wanted to do whatever I could to remain on his good side and to stay with him.

Well then one day I smarted off at him and he slapped handcuffs on me. They weren't tight and it was just fun & games, I could slip my wrists out of them. And he wanted me to say "please" or "sorry" before he'd let me out. I absolutely HATED saying please to any guy except my daddy. I wasn't about to sink that low and say it to him. To me it was like I'd be giving him control. I don't know what my issues were with saying please to guys. Stopped saying it to any other guy than my daddy a while ago. Wasn't about to start up again. I was stubborn. I was stupid. Once he realized how I kept getting out of those cuffs, he tightened them. I couldn't wriggle my wrists and be out anymore. They were tight enough to leave red marks around my wrists and if I tried wriggling them out, they could scrape skin if I fought too much. So one day, I finally gave in, after being stuck in the stupid things for almost 2 hours straight I said what he wanted to hear. I told him "please take them off of me and that I was sorry I got hateful with him." He kept his word. He removed them. If I slipped up and smarted off again, back on they would go, it didn't matter if I said please no or sorry before. He'd still put them on. It was to teach me to talk to him with respect.

You'd think I realized by now that it wasn't fun & games, nor was it ok. I didn't. All I knew is that I wanted to be with him and not screw it up. I wanted what he promised me. I realize now that I wasn't truly in love with him, I believe I was more in love with the idea of having everything I wanted/needed and not having to worry about struggling. He could give me that.

Then, one day, we were standing on the porch, having a heated discussion. I told him to shut up and this look came in his eyes. I had never ran from him before, but instinct told me to that time, so I did. He chased after me and next thing I know we're around the house and he has me tackled to the ground. Tears falling, he pulls my arms behind my back and slaps the cuffs on. He then leads me to the front of the house where he attaches one cuff to the rail and the other on my wrist where I can't get anywhere else. I tell him everything I thought he wanted to hear and he left them on. Said I'd learn how to respect him if I wanted to be with him.

I thought it would get better. 6 months later, 2 weeks before Thanksgiving 2002, he called me & told me to expect an engagement ring around Christmas and be prepared. I was excited. I finally met the one. I was finally going to be engaged. We had been together for 8 months now and I just knew this was it. Well 2 days before Thanksgiving he called me and told me we had to break up. It would be best. He was in a dangerous situation on the base and it'd be best. I ended up being told 3 different reasons he broke up with me. My heart was torn. I sank into a depression that I didn't think I'd ever come out of. I'm ashamed now that I let it get me down b/c I realize now that it was for the best. If he hadn't called it quits then I could very well be worse off. I could have ended up getting my hearts desire at that time, with a little extra. It wasn't my desire to be abused. I thought it'd quit and I didn't want to call it off with him b/c well, I liked him too much, I loved him. Now I realize how much of a blessing it was for him to break up with me. In 2003 I found out through my mawmaw, who had talked to his mother that he had been kicked out of the army soon after, got some girl pregnant, tried marrying her, and couldn't because he was still married to the first girl. I won't lie, I felt betrayed b/c of his lies but I was glad to hear that all this bad stuff happened to him. He was after all, the reason why I was fighting hell right then. I was trying to pick my heart up off the floor and get over him. So I didn't feel sorry one bit.

So now I look back, and realize I should have paid attention to the signs. I should have realized he was becoming verbally abusive with each cuss word... which then led to the physical. And now when I hear of friends or family sitting back and letting their guys cuss them out but not wanting to do anything about it because they "love him" or "like him to much" it makes me sick and angry. I want to hurt th eone doing it and I want to knock out the ones letting it be done. Nobody deserves this, no matter how much you like the person. It's not right. If it don't change you will end up another abused statistic..... I never thought I'd be one... but I am. I do thank God that it wasn't worse though, becuase it could have been. Please think about this.

Reviews

[westerfanaddict]

I really like this, I feel that writing from the heart is the best kind of writing, writing from, what you know and what you've been through, good job! -Clara

[George Love]

Vey realistic account. This is from the heart of someone who dodged a bullet, probably literally with this relationship. Thank God you got out. I hate hearing of such things, but unfortunately, this is a fact of life. part of the healing process is realizing it happens and can happen to you. Share this with anyone you think is being abused. I've placed too many abused spouses in the back of my ambulance and this is such a harsh time of year...oh, the review! Well written, adn to the point. This is real life stuff and the account is better than I've heard before.