Isaac

I lost my best friend, and things will never be the same. I hurt more than just myself, and I can't take that back.

Isaac, I don't know if you read this anymore...I doubt that you do. But if, for some reason you do....as ridiculous as this seems, I needed to write this. I needed to get this out, I needed the closure for it all. 

I thought I was in love with you, (and I was) but I realized that over time, I enjoyed riding that line, blurring the line between romance and friendship. I still tried to dress up for you, and still constantly cared about what you thought of me and my appearance. There was something exciting about our touches and things we said to each other. It became a game to me...how far could we go? how far could I take this, and pretend that you were mine? If even just for a few moments. 

Then I lost you. 

And suddenly, it wasn't about romance anymore, it wasn't about how much I loved you and wanted you to just be mine, it wasn't about flirtation or touch or sexual desires....it was about loosing my best friend. It was about loosing the best thing I ever had. It was about loosing your friendship. It was about all the things that would never happen again. I would never hear "oh hun" again, I would never see that look on your face when I'm talking about something ridiculous. I would never go to your wedding, nor you to mine. I would never hug you again, or smell you again. I would never hear that deep laugh of yours, or see those three forehead wrinkles across your face. you would never flip me off again or make silly voices. We would never go shopping at savers or eat taco Bell, we would never sit and talk about relationships and religion. You would never give me fashion advice or try and calm me down before a first date. We would never go to the liquor store together or smoke another cigar. I would never hear you say my name again...it was so much more than it had ever been. I guess it's true. Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. I'll miss you Isaac. I really will. 

I should hope that someday this pain will go away. But honestly, I don't know that it ever fully will. Do you think of me, as often as I think of you? If you don't, does that make me ridiculous? 

Does our pact still hold? If someday, at some point in life....we are ever both single at the same time, do we get to go on a date? Not that I think it will happen...but, I still can't get rid of that small piece of hope. Not yet. I hope the pain goes away. I really do. But I hope the memories and the love I had for you never does. 

I'll miss you Isaac.

Author's Note

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[Serendipity Planet]

It touched my heart , I was there , I know how that feels