Tears and hearts of darkness

this isnt really a poem, its more of a description of a moment in time.

a long forgotten memory of a tear that fell from a young girls face when her dream was shattered by the world, she decended into blissful darkness and was swallowed by her hatred and her sadness.

and there she wept and she sat there slowly dying...but what she didn't relize was that as the moon is followed by the sun, she was followed by another, and he saw what she saw and he felt what she felt and all he wished was that she let go of the darkness and see how much she meant to that one person and that no matter who broke her dreams he would be there to mend them, and no matter how broken her heart had become, he would put it back together.

when she didnt feel like talking he would hold her in his arms and when she felt like crying he would be there to wipe away her tears. and even though the darkness held her tight he would fight with sword in hand with every fibre of his being, with every breath of life he had, and if her heart was too far gone....then he would give her his.

Reviews

[Opheliaravenlove]

Well done very good poem.

[Vito XYZ]

OOOOOOOOOOOH! I'm excited it was very good right up my stream...good stuff. One thing though too many "and", maybe that helps I'm not sure though.

There are too many things I like to give a direct quote of the sentences I thought were outstanding would be to copy almost the whole thing so instead I'm just going to point out little stupid things down to own personal preference since I think we might both be a bit alike I hope you don't mind. If she were the darkness that he would be the light and godly quote by the way "moon is followed by the sun" sorry I said I wouldn't, carrying on "with sword in hand" that's mainly it. Why sword it's a physical object so I wasn't to keen I had thought "with the sun in his heart", "light of his soul that he gained from being beside her", "every being of his fibre that begged to stay by her side" would have been not better, but maybe along the lines of what you could of wrote if you wanted to. And yeah sorry again for going on but "if her heart was too far gone....then he would give her his" beautiful finish to a great piece of writing.

[ebur™]

very descriptive and moving. i was touched by the feeling of this and the story because i felt as if i was actually there watching the whole thing. very nice! hope you publish more soon! :)