His Stare

Poem I am doing for a contest.

What is wrong with me
That is the question I ask
When people that I see

Most of their stares are nothing but blank
In their suit and ties
Silk dresses
Clearly no where near them
Do I rank

The Man that bothers me
Is the one that is hard to see

His eyes are sharp
I try to duck when he pass
He sees right through me
As if I were glass

Showing me that I am worthless with every glance
I hide in shame
Wishing to leave this place
As strong as a weak child is my stance

I crush my pills to be able to face him
Every day I take more and more
I pray one night my sight will forever
Grow to dim

As I bring my nose to the mirror
Even though he is not here right now
I am still his inferior

My family walks
Blood running from my head
Mother cries as father tells her
Her worthless son is dead

The preacher tells those who mourn
That is was Satan’s work it was plain to see
He forced me to think
The one person I could not stand to have stare
Is me.  

Author's Note

Thoughts?

Reviews

[LadyNaida]

This is a crying out for bottled emotions from many teens in this world. If we listen carefully is a cry of help. I like this piece is very detailed and I was able to visualize it. (10 snaps)

[Calypso]

It sad that things are the way they are. I feel like that too. My step-mom hates me and my Dad never seems to care. At school I feel different because I don't have a car or boyfriend. I hope this isn't a true story.
Over all thought the poem was well written.

[Chaos Complex]

There are a couple of errors, but nothing serious.
I won't lie- this was one of the most depressing pieces I've ever read. (That ain't a bad thing though.) Your wording manipulated feelings really well and I could feel the narrators sense of inferiority and brokenness. The end was just... wow. Props for writing this. Thanks for sharing!

[Brandee D. Hack]

Very powerful. A very interesting piece. I really enjoyed it. It has a delicate taste to it. :)

[BloodRED6203]

It interesting...

[PaperHearts]

Very thought-provoking indeed! I really loved how your poem progressed, and how the character's thought process progressed along with it. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end at all, and it was almost a shock to read what had happened. This was a really compelling poem, and it made me think hard about a lot of things...how a person's exterior never really reflects how they're feeling inside...how sad it is, that for some people, the thing that could hurt them the most, is the one thing that that they can't be protected from; themself.
~PaperHearts

[FiveOrchids]

someone ones told me, that the greatest pieces of art is yet unseen, that everything is worth something great and should never be put in the back. that is what came to mind when I read your poem.

it really shows how some people feel about their lifes, alone and worthless...brought me to the brinks of tears.

[emmajoy]

Oh my, took me two readings to understand what happened in the end. How tragic your words read.

Nobody should ever feel so wretched, nobody should be made to feel worthless. Everyone has worth, everyone. Think of flowers in a garden, some big and bold, some tall and others small and delicate .. all beautiful in its own way.

We are our own worse critics, so foolish when even the tiniest has a great heart if only briefly.

Your words flow like tears .. really sum up the feelings of someone who maybe feels of little worth yet has so much to give. That last stanza .. that made me gasp because I realised that he'd been there all time.

[Rachel]

A little rough verbally. A couple of places look a bit unfinished, like "The that bothers me". It looks like something was left out. "Grow to dim" sound a bit off, but is acceptable in the context.

Good content though. I especially enjoyed the lines
"Most of their stares are nothing but blank
In their suit and ties
Silk dresses"

Keep working.

[deeps]

I like this write I thought it was written and expressed well. Like ths feelings behind the write.