NOOSEnse

The sun reflected in mine eyes

So that I cannot see how I die

Each time the rain rages and pours

More of me drips down to the floor

The floors of your heart are too full

So enamored you can't even feel my pull

The flavour of your lips in my mouth

Your skin, what I must live without

Deer run out in front of cars

Soon enough shall you be too far

Climb the hill to the apple orchard

Forgive me for this love,

       for it is torture

Reviews

[JayG]

• The sun reflected in mine eyes
So that I cannot see how I die

You’re making the mistake of focusing on the rhyme, and bending the line to the needs of rhyming. But the rhyme is the “tink” of the cymbal, an accent. What matters is the thought being expressed. The rhyming word should be the perfect one for that thought, and the rhyme seem almost accidental.

In this first couplet, you say “mine eyes.” Nothing wrong with that, but it obligates you to continue, and use Thy heart, etc. And as an observation, since it’s not common language today it tends to make you seem to be trying to impress the reader.

But that aside, what’s the sun reflected from? If it weren’t reflecting, what kind of “death” would this person see? And, since they are blinded, and can’t see it, how in the pluperfect hells do they know it’s there? More to the point, why are they prattling on instead of getting out of there? Wouldn’t you?

Where are we? Who are we? What’s going on? You know. And the words will call up that information when you read. But take pity on the reader who has not a clue of what you’re talking about, or, the smallest thing about the speaker of the situation.

To me meaningful, the reader must have context as, or before a given line is read.

• Each time the rain rages and pours
More of me drips down to the floor

Huh? A minute ago we were dying with the sun in our eyes. Now, we’re inside, and dissolving for unknown reasons?

I don’t know about you, but my first thought was that they need to stop standing under the leaks in the roof.

Here’s the deal: There’s a LOT to poetry that’s not obvious, and because it is a profession, with literally thousands of years of refinement, we’re taught none of the skills needed to write it in school. Take prosody. It’s central to all kinds of poetry, but did any teacher explain it, and how to manage it?

The short version: To acquire the skills you need, download Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook from the address below. It’s an easy read, and will amaze you with things you have never thought about, like why we tend to use “rock” to describe something with jagged edges and stone when smooth. Handy to know, and useful, too.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Read a chapter or two. I think you’ll be very glad you did.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/