A Certain Magical Punch: Chapter 1 Part 2

Saitama remembers he has a job to do so switches to his work clothes.

10:45 AM

Later, Saitama stood in an extremely long line with the red bucket in his right hand. He observed his surroundings with a bored look on his face. His gaze shifts to the display window and sees an elderly looking man with a very angular pale face dressed as a magician. His white mustache was comically large and he had wrinkles. The magician jumped atop a rectangular recycling bin and stood upright with his arms extended.

“Citizens of Z-City!” he announced while looking at nobody in particular. “I am Abicus the Magnificent, the world’s greatest magician! Master of illusion! King of quizzical expressions! But doubt me not my inquisitive inquiries! For these are not simple parlor tricks. No, I come bearing real, live magic!”

He stepped off the bin landing on his left foot first.

“For my first trick I’ll need volunteer…”

He scans his immediate surroundings for a brief moment.

“Ah!” he exclaims, pointing his wand at a young brunette woman wrapped around her boyfriend’s arm. “You’ll do!”

“Huh?” the women says.

(Huh.) Saitama thought. (A street performer. That’s pretty cool.)

Abicus continued cocking his wand back. 

“Alakazheemo...Alaka-zingo!!”

The couple stared at the seemingly aging man as he extended the stick forward. The young lady jumped up and gasped. Her face grew red.

“What’s wrong babe?” the young man asked.

“Well, that’s all for now folks,” Abicus said while running around them. “Thanks for being such great sports! Taa-taaaaaa!”

The young lady tugged down on her skirt. 

“Babe?” the man questioned again leaning closer to the woman.

“My…” she whispered. Her soft tone then turned into a shout. “My pantieeeeeeees!”

“What?!” The man turned around and squeezed his right fist. “That bastaaaaaaaaard!”

(Ah. Must be a new villain. He doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. I’ll let the C-Ranked heroes take care of him.) 

He looked at the people behind him. There were people lined up all the way from the frozen dairy isle. The old lady who Saitama scolded earlier stood three people behind him. She scowled at him but he ignores her.

(Plus, I don’t want to lose my spot in line.)

Saitama walked up to the clerk. He placed the only item in his bucket, the twin cabbage heads, on the counter. The cashier, a young lady with short orange hair and a red shirt with a nametag that read “Becky”, takes the cabbage heads and ran them atop the scanner. A beeping sound comes out of it.

“That will be five hundred-twenty yen,” she enthusiastically said.

Saitama smirks as he takes out a 1000 yen bill from his wallet and handed it to her. She took out the appropriate amount of change in coins from the cash register. A receipt came out of a slit in the register and she tears it off as well with the hand holding the coins.

“Sorry. We’re out of bills.”

“It’s fine. I’m just happy I made it to the sale on time. This is the last one.”

“Oh, really?” Becky put the lettuce in a white plastic bag. “Wow, you made it a the last possible moment, huh? Are you some sort of superhero?”

“Uh...something like that,” Saitama says as he scratches his head with his right hand. The two share a laugh.

“Gee,” the old lady silently complains. “Get a room you two.”

Becky extended the plastic bag in front her.

“Have a good day, sir!”

Becky held the money and receipt in her.

“Have a good day, sir!”

Becky held the money and receipt in her right hand and the bag of cabbages in her left. Saitama reached out to grab them. Suddenly Abicus came flying through the display window. He smashed through the top of the counter into a stacked can of beans. Becky screamed and hops back a bit before hiding under the counter.

“Huh?” Saitama said as he looks the the left.

“Hmph,” Abicus scoffed as he pushed himself up, cans rolling onto the floor. “That was a dirty trick.”

A well built man with short black hair and a black tank jumped through what was previously a display window. 

“Ha! That’s rich coming from a two bit con like you!”

Abicus stood up and slapped his right ear making a few cans of beans pour out of his left.

“You dare doubt the other worldly prowess of Abicus the Magnificent?” He tugged on his right sleeve with his left index finger and more cans pour out.

Tank Top Black Hole walked closer to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a familiar bald head. His face grew pale as he remembered his first encounter with him. Citizens dart towards the exit and the now open broken display window.

(Oh great.) he lamented. (This a*****e again.) 

Saitama looked at Tank Top Black Hole with a hollow expression.

(Oh, great.) he nonchalantly pondered. (This a*****e again.)

Abicus raised his arms and wiggled his fingers. He had a somewhat angry disposition.

“Hey, hey, hey!” he shouted. “Eyes on me. Otherwise, you might miss this neat trick! Alakazheemo…”

Saitama squeezed the air in front of his hands. He looked down and noticed he is not holding his bag of cabbage. He gasped and frantically looked around as the citizens dart past him.

“...Alaka-zingo!!”

All of the cans that surrounded Abicus slowly ascended. Tank Top Black Vortex rushed towards the magician. The next instant the cans flew towards him at blinding speed. Tank Top Black Vortex put his arms up to block a majority of the cans that pelted his upper body. He grunted and gritted his teeth. Then a pink tray smacked him in the face making a loud crunching sound. 

Saitama’s head swung to the the right and his heart sunk as the twin cabbages bursted into green fragments before him. Tank Top Black Vortex fell to the ground. Screaming and sweating citizens run around him not daring to look back.

“And now,” Abicus announced. “For my grand exit!”

The magician vanished among the panicking crowd. Saitama walks over to the scattered cabbage ruins. He dropped to his knees and picked up a trampled and blackened piece. The upper half snapped off. Saitama had a look as if he was just rejected by his elementary school crush.

(I saved up for three weeks to buy these cabbages. This was the only time I could have bought this. Now I have to wait a whole month. On top of that, my money was scattered among the chaos.)

He squeezed his fist and slowly stood up. Becky was hunched over with her arms holding her head and tears in her eyes.

“Becky. Does this store do tabs?”

Becky turned to face him confused. It may or may not have been due to the shock scene that played out before her. She looked at him dumbfounded with her mouth slightly hanging open.

“Ah, well that’s okay. I guess I’ll be back in about a month.”

The shivering young woman blinked a few times as Saitama walked towards the exit. As she stared at his backside when he reached the outside world, without realizing it she lost track of him. In his place is a dust cloud pointing upwards. Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened.

Tank Top Black Hole laid sprawled out on the dirty and cold floor with shoe marks all over him.

(No one must ever know I was defeated by cabbages.)

♦

Several miles above the city, Saitama performed a front flip as he removed his backpack and pulled some clothing. The top of a yellow onesie and a white cape and dangled furiously in the air. He swiftly untied his sneakers and pulled them off. Then he awkwardly yanked off his pants revealing the rest of his costume. He unzipped the descending backpack pulling out a red pair of gloves. After putting them on he hunched his body to do the same to insert his feet into a pair of red boots. He did another front flip to catch his falling clothes and put them in his backpack before zipping it up.

He landed on an enormous building two blocks away from the supermarket. With his bag in his left hand he looked down following the direction of fleeing civilians. Among them he saw a black cape flapping.

“Found you, a*****e,” he declared with an intense look on his face. Then after dropping his bag he jumped into the air causing the area surrounding where he stood to explode into clumps of rock. 

The bag fell onto a horizontal flagpole bearing Japan’s symbol. 

“This looks like a job for…”

Saitama straightens his body and slowly picks up descending speed. He c***s his right arm back.

“Gonna F**k Somebody Up Man.”