Depression

A walk along the lake in the dead of winter.

The sleet increased as the mist surrounded the lake. All the while I watched motionless down at my reflection and tried to remember a time when I could smile. The cold nipped at my naked fingers but I didn’t so much as huddle them into my sleeves.  I didn’t move a muscle; I just stared at the face in the lake. Who or what had I become? I was so pallid, my cheeks were sunken and my eyes; where had my eyes gone? They were once so full of life and the blue used to shine so bright no matter my mood but now they held nothing.

It should have mattered. My spiral downwards should have sparked something within me to just move; but it didn’t.

Quiet was all around me. Not the yaw of a crow or the bustle of the trees; just pure, unaltered silence. I was entirely alone here just like everywhere else. It was better that way.

A year ago I died; not physically but mentally. All my mirrors had shattered and in their place was the image of brutal reality. My defenses and mechanisms had been breached and I had been left with the realization that this was it; there was nothing I could do to numb it.Like the still water beneath the ice, I was trapped and unable to run. No amount of pushing or coaxing had brought me back to the surface and pills did nothing to warm me.Images kept flashing in my mind. Brutal and horrible things that I have done and can do to myself. But they don’t disturb me, they inspire me. I should be beneath three feet of soil with flowers upon my head, but then again I have no one left to lay the flowers. I never much cared for them anyway.  

But I stood by the lake fully alive; physically, not mentally.

There was as much reason for me to live as there was to die. There was nothing tying me here anymore. The pros did not outweigh the cons ,my own tie to the past, pulling me back, tipped the scale in cons favor; if anything the cons had become my heroes.

Author's Note

An old piece I wrote possibly at the age of 16, well over 5 years ago. I have not touched it or reviewed it so bare this in mind if reviewing. It was meant to represent my depression, how I felt about it and I suppose still do feel.