The Kihlesa & The Darastrix Rebellion (Charis)

Beginning to a story I'm writing. References for vocabulary and such will be posted, I know it's sorta complicated.

INTRODUCTION

THE KIHLESA & THE DARASTRIX REBELLION

This is the story of The Kihlesa & The Darastrix Rebellion, as written by the Darastrix known as Livaij-Naktar, translated and edited by the Scholars of the Vaecaesini Institute established in 10,807 B.D..

   

 Before the Darastrixi race became The Creators, the Kurjhar kept us trapped on the planet Rygat, to use us as a workforce and an army. The Kurjhar were an evil people, driven by the idea that power over the mind is power over the everything. For a time, one would have believed they were right. They could control such powerful beings as the Vemcini and the Darastrixi with little more than a thought.

   The Kurjhar were believed to be immortal, and there was very little that could have led us to think there was any way to escape The Kihlesa. They made a point to torture and kill any Darastrix brave enough to oppose or question the Khilesari. Many wise and brave Tilabili were lost in these pointless attempts at revolution, and by the 4,000th eorikc of The Kihlesa we had given up and become nearly docile as a people.

    They began forcing us to breed in order to keep their workforce alive, since they had killed so many of the Darastrixi in the early revolts and during their wars with other planets. The breeding pens were cramped and reduced us to the likes of cattle being bred for slaughter. Some of our females volunteered for this work to get away from the perils of warring alongside the males, but they did not know that after fertilization took place and the egg developed enough, it would be ripped agonizingly from their body and kept inside of an incubator, to be born and raised in captivity without corruption.

   After 12,000 eorikci stuck in The Kihlesa, an anger overtook those who were old enough to remember, those of us strong enough to fight and smart enough to keep quiet. We banded together in the short moments we could, during the few hours of rest we were allowed, and reformed the Darastrix language. We spoke with force, in sounds that would be reminiscent of roars in battle or cries in pain… but the Darastrixi would understand.

   We hoped that they would remember and rise with us. We needed only a few words, and the ones we chose were powerful enough to capture attention. We would take our beatings and cry out, “Ileisgar! Slathalin! Duulo!” (Rise! Fight! Free!) It sounded like normal cries of pain to the Kihlesari, but to the rest of the Darastrixi it became a whisper of revolution.

   After another 5,000 eorikci, the Darastrixi had become well aware of the war to come. They knew that when the chance arose, they would rise and fight for their freedom. The circle of Darastrixi that would later become known as The Creators (Livaij-Naktar, Jennu-Aryte, Ssej-Thran, Aussir-Pab, Cirau-Dask, Sepa-Sonear & Tiichi-Iejir) came together and created a powerful, irreversible spell with their voices. It took all of the hatred, anger, and pain brought to us by the Kurjhar, and promised to destroy them and wipe out their planet.

   The spell, later named “Svent Khilesari”(Destroy Khilesari), took all of The Creators power combined, and we were left in a deep sleep after the power words were spoken. The destruction of Rygat took only one thurkear to take effect, but the words of power were in creation for over 4,000 eorikci, and the power behind the words wiped out the entirety of the material plane within the Isk Frun’na along with Rygat and the Kurjhar.

Author's Note

Tell me if I should keep up this story, or is it too much?

Reviews

[gnarlym]

I think the concept here is interesting, and it definitely drew me in. I'd like to see more by you and following these ideas, however if you wouldn't mind criticisms, I do have one. The language you've come up with might be simple to you (or not, I have no way of knowing lol) however, to someone on the other side, reading your work, it is very complex and to some could be rather confusing. I'd find a different way of introducing the words, and explaining them a little bit more thoroughly. Furthermore, taking the time to discuss the words in depth could give you more opportunity to elaborate on the plot line itself. Besides that, this was well-done and I'd like to see more!

[Sara H.]

Thanks so much. I had the sinking suspicion the language would be too complicated... I'm working on ways to incorporate it into the story to make it less difficult to understand. This is only the introduction to the story, and it's supposed to read like a written history translated from the original language. I'm working on writing the beginning of the rest of the story which actually takes place long after this. Will post soon, hopefully!

[gnarlym]

Awesome! I look forward to reading it!

[David Jae]

Very powerful. Reminds me a lot of Final Fantasy. I love the emotion and character that you put into it. I especially like the part about the chant used when they're being beaten.

Just a tip; it might be a little long for an introduction. Consider shortening it and saving some for later.

Still, an enjoyable concept.