Wet Willy Salad

Written 10.17.13

Suddenly all my emotions were on

Prominent, raw, raging

And I just wanted it all to turn off

It always turned off

 

But it didn’t

 

They’re still here

They’re active

And living

Scraping against cheese graters

 

I thought I could manage

And then you were there

And you made a flippant and playful comment

About how I was eating

 

Without consideration

Of my three eating disorders

That I struggle with constantly

 

I’ve made so much progress

And you made a comment that was pretty funny

But with everything so raw and THERE

It wasn’t okay

 

And I wanted to never eat again

And eat everything forever

And eat and vomit

Until I died

 

So instead I dug and chafed

With my nails and a paper plate

Until my hand and arm were numb

Numb and raw

 

Because I wanted to be numb

Because I don’t know how to cope with everything at once

But no matter how long I worked at it

My thoughts didn’t subside

 

And I’m not blaming you

It’s me

I know I’m broken

And my reaction was unexpected for both of us

 

But I was triggered by a comment and a pantomime 

From someone I love

Someone I hold in high regard

Someone whose words I take to heart and examine

Someone who should’ve had any consideration for me in my new emotional state

 

And I felt unloved

And fat

And ugly

And disgusting

And repulsive

 

After I had made so much progress

After not being able to eat around anyone ever

And I was so angry

And disappointed

And sad

And hurt

By myself and you

 

All because I ate some lettuce with my fingers

And it was dubbed a “Wet willy salad”

 

And I don’t know if I ever want to eat around you ever again

 

So let’s talk.