My Scars

Written 9.29.13 About my newly acknowledged attachment to my scars

They were evidence

This happened

I lived through this

I did this to myself

I don’t do this anymore

 

I could remember every one

When and where I gave it to myself

Why I did it

What I was thinking about

How long it took to heal

How long I kept reopening it

 

Which ones got infected

Which ones healed too fast

 

They basically were a record of my life

For at least eight years

 

Because I wasn’t really allowed to journal

 

Because of that time that mom and dad found my journal

And reamed me for hours

And beat me

And made me do lines

Because there was something about running away

And they got angry…

In like the second grade

 

So I kept records with my skin I guess…

And they’re fading

And I am really attached

Because I liked putting them there

Even though that’s messed up

 

And I don’t want them to disappear.

After some thought…

-There are some on my arms still - strategically placed so that my family would think I was just a "picker"

-So that I could do it when they were around if I needed to and it wouldn't be suspicious

-And those ones are deeper because I was almost always around my family

-But the ones on my ribs and my inner thighs are fading like crazy

-And I weirdly hate it