Lingering Dreams

Raptured by a wandering moon

   through entangled intangible dreams

Ebbed under an astral caress

    I travel torn, surreal realms

 

Rolling through barrows like an evening mist

   waylaid by weary spirits of Bretons long past

Tomb or Hill, I ne’er could tell

   but lost evermore to death I was

 

   To wander forever, o’er jagged Fjord

tumultuous winter’s reproving winds

tormented in a torrent of trees: the Taiga

   A marionette to eddies of unseen stars

 

I trickle upon solitary moonbeam

   helplessly captive to steel and concrete

   cold faces, indifferent--a writhing mass

Buffeted on a sea of flesh, lost forevermore

 

Abruptly, I'm alone; victim of nature’s fury

   Tierra del Fiego, where fire and sea collude

Looking heaven bound, to maelstrom enraged

   drawn back to azure of Peruvian skies

 

Ripped from dreams, to where you once were.

   I pull what remnants of you remain

Fading warmth, nocturne memories ne’er to grasp

   Lost nevermore; the aftertaste of your lips.

Reviews

[Kuandio]

Hey there. I read this out of the blue and really liked it. Aside from being well composed, with that high literary feel, I found I could relate to it, and what more: this time I understood all the words! So, props for making your writing more accessible to all the halfwits like me out there

Some lines I liked:
"ebbed under an astral caress"
"tumultuous winter's reproving winds"
"where fire and sea collude"

Now here are some critiques:
(Don't get me wrong, the poem is very good. These are just some things that struck me)
- wasn't so fond of this line - "I trickle upon solitary moonbeam"
- In fact, I wasn't too keen about the entire stanza. Some of the metaphors felt overused, and I started to get a bit of a melodramatic feel. The first half of the poem was awesome, the second started to drag ever so slightly. You used these words: tormented, torrent, tumult, writhing, fury, storm, enraged, buffeted, and ripped; that are all synonymous or nearly so. I get your trying to create a feel, but a little sparser use might be more effective.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it. It was a spur of the moment write; a weird blend of dreams, wanderlust, and missing those we have abandoned in life--things which bare significance for someone like me, but are not so easy to express. Regret and Reminiscence, how the two seem to blend as one.
Alright, so the trickle on solitary moonbeam line was admittedly tough for me; I had an image I wanted to convey, but each revision was either too wordy or lacking in spirit. I wanted to carry an image of a city, so overwhelming in its size that only a lone ray of light can enter. As someone who has been in extremely crowded cities, at times it feels difficult to find ourselves. I was trying to give each stanza its own distinct feel, yet to blur them in a way similar to a dream... where a theme may resurface in a nuanced or reinvented way. Thus, at least to an extent, the repetition you noted. Another part of it was just me having fun with alliteration. I also tried to give the first half a more passive tone, with an abrupt switch to a more violent tone; as if the dream is forcing a person awake to their own melancholic silence. This was a first revision; so perhaps I will come back with a new perspective and make some revisions bearing in mind your advice. Thanks as always.

[Kuandio]

The sentiments you were trying to express definitely came across, and also giving the stanzas that blurred dreamlike quality, as well as the resurfacing of themes. You're aware of many layers! Poems I've written, I hardly know what I'm doing, going into semi-seance or something

[Nusquam Esse]

I have a big thing for surrealism, which is increasingly the case the more I write. As such, I tend to look for a lot of contradiction in both theme and style. It is not exactly something I focus on doing, so much as that I am aware of it? When choosing words and the like. This is not my best of recent work (there are several things I am not content with; but it is better to save something incomplete to be revised later, than to simply discard) but I still felt a need to convey at least an iota of my night's impression. :)

[April Child]

Surreal indeed. I like the feel of this piece and how its abstract enough for me to create my own interpretation. It feels like loss... of love and the world as you knew it. Dream like yet vivid and evocative. Nicely done.

[Einstein Noodle]

i love this ... start to end ..the "barrows" in your second verse impacted me like a bolt .. i love that stuff .. of barrows and wizards and trolls :) the experience between waking and sleep .. conscience and sub conscience can be so palpable and yet a mist .. we try to grab a hold to garner some insight or wisdom but it will never happen .. yet the allure is ever grasping us .. i like the sharp contrast from dreams to concrete it works well for this poems intent (at least as i seeit) .. great to have you back! this is so relatable ... your closing lines make it about a lost love ..it seems to me not quite fitting .. all the rest is so open and surreal .. but hey! we all lament a lost love or two ;)
E.

[PHFASCES]

I admire how your poetry takes me into my imagination and get me going on the journey.A brilliant piece and a phenomenal style of writing.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for taking time to read, I am glad it sparked an imaginative frisson. After all, is that not one of the more aspiring goals of writing?

[PHFASCES]

It truly is. thank you

[Elwyn]

"I trickle upon solitary moonbeam" simply beautiful. It's been awhile, but your poetry is still breathtaking. Adore your word-choice, everything has its own flair and nothing repeats. Lovely.

[Nusquam Esse]

Glad you enjoyed it, sometimes one does question their own sense of aesthetics. I have not been neglecting writing; just not been as active on here. Still, I have posted a few poems this last month. Btw, I have still been reading your poetry periodically; just not been actively reviewing on here.