I had a Dream (Final Night)

I had a dream
a nightmare
with no beginning

I was at sea

I don't know why

 

the others were enjoying themselves

but I was overcome with illness

from the bucking sea

their disgusting smiles

 

with fierce teeth

seeking to devour me whole

brushing after every meal

 

macabre odors on a breeze

that should have been endowed

of salt and life instead

of whispered death to come

 

never had I felt so alone

even as the deck grew more

crowded

with ill-intention's laughter

 

I wanted away from this place

to return to shore, to home

but I couldn't remember where

that even was

 

how lonely a dream

without a beginning,

waiting only for an end

in rotting snarls

 

so I clung to the rails

looking to waters

which sought only to destroy

me

 

at least water cared

enough to take me

to embrace me

to kill me

 

violent gusts threw me back

as if to mock my desire

telling me that I could

never leave

 

looking heaven-bound

clouds gathered into beasts

of primal unforgiving

fury

 

that moment when you know

this is a dream

but nothing has felt more

real

surreal

inane

important

enough that

you never want to let

go

 

was that why my hands clung

so strongly to the deck

as the others scurried

about without purpose

 

then came the tempest

Insidious waves

seeking to devour

and coerce

 

lighting leaping

like laughter

that I

despised

 

as a hurricane

not only I

but all souls on this

god-forsaken

journey

were told at last

seek what solace you can

in fathomless

depths

the ship

convulsed

shattered

suicidal ends

 

yet I stood there

as malicious smiles simply

vanished

like fog under the waves

 

because that was all they were

fog

fog I had built

despised

clung to

only to have it evaporate

under effervescent hands

that never were

 

before me rose a wave

more immense than

the ocean itself

and certainly

me

 

as it crashed

down

I knew it was

the end

of my dreams

desperate not to let go

of a nightmare

I clung

with all my strength

every iota

to the board in my hands

 

please don't let me die

don't let it end

for me

because I am selfish

because I am me

 

then

there was no wave

something so great

gone

like fog

under the sun

 

which bore down on me

the storm but a memory

taunting me

with a simple end

 

you wouldn't let go

never let go

you said

enjoy the fruits

of your labor

 

and I regretted

everything

to have even dreamed

because I was

nothing

but driftwood

under a prismatic

sun

 

it was only then

after an eternity

at sea that I remembered

there was never

a shore

a destination

a purpose

 

I wept

tears

which fed

oceans

 

grip lost at last

I sunk into depths

reaching desperately

for that wood

 

my last thoughts were

not alone

please

not alone

let me take another

to the fathom's end

but the ocean laughed

a resonating

grinding

chuckle

 

you will always be alone

and I sunk within

never to awaken

or dream again

Reviews

[Kuandio]

Where the last one slouched a bit, this one got my attention right away. Throughout the entire thing I felt much more anchored as part of a pov within the poem. I have to say that this last poem is madness! You really pulled out all the stops this time. The description of the sea and environment are powerful, and evil feels like it is suffused in everything here

"waiting only for an end in rotting snarls" - man that is wicked

"as it crashed down I knew it was the end of my dreams"

"I was nothing but driftwood under a prismatic sun"

I don't know if it was a happy ending or not? I think it was the death of the entire ordeal maybe.
You should have more people read these. There is a lot of potential. First maybe let them sit for awhile and then go back over the series and then maybe try submitting it to some contests, magazines, poem book compilations

[Nusquam Esse]

Hah, as I said, the slouching of the last one was deliberate (at least if the slouching was a loss of emotional impact and a feeling of such repetitive and overdone darkness that you don't even feel like it matters) I wanted this one to feel like Everything in the world was filled with malice that was just waiting to destroy you. And I was, as you said, pulling out all the stops to make it feel as much like a nightmare as possible. As for the happy ending, for me... it is like the idea of suicide. At what point does it seem like too much, and just not feeling any of it would be better? Not to mention the ambiguous way that awakening and dreaming are used... they can both be twisted in a different direction. I am glad that you enjoyed the 'ordeal' and think this has potential. Poetry is generally not something I contemplate publishing; but I thought that these might make for an interesting anthology. Of course I need to finish the other 2/3rds of the poems... =_= At that point I can go back and figure out how to make them transition more naturally, and to make the moods feel more on-point. Until then I haven't been actively promoting these, because I know they need work.

[Kuandio]

I should have taken into account that this series isn't complete and that you are going to be slotting new poems in there. I think you may have mentioned it in a previous reply of one of my older reviews, but as is often the case with me, I forgot. In any case, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you are doing, I mean the overall flow and effect that you are trying to create. Good luck to you. I think that if I read any more of these, it should be after the entire series is done. Send me a message and or read request at that point

[Nusquam Esse]

okie dokey

[Rene Salinas]

Oh it overtook me. Just as I came to be embraced by a new beggining I was reminded that you where still bounded and it is still cold a litle dark although no signs of winter. How crack still show and the words still thunder and although there is an uproar again I can't put my finger on the nature of the flooding revolution. It is as if the soul in this dream is taken for a long stride and it will take a while to awake. Even when the words are telling me of the action to disagree to never awake or to dream who is to say if this is carries any certainty.

It is haunting but inviting at the same time.

Thankyou

[Elwyn]

This is an incredible complimentary piece to the first poem. You cling to nightmares like we cling to misery, just to have something. Anything. Loneliness is the worst disease plaguing the human race.

[Jennie Baron]

A perfect, seamless tie-in to the first one and every bit as brilliant.

[Ashira Macy]

Wow. There was a lot in this. First of all, I really liked that you tied this to the first night by using similar beginning lines, I thought that was very clever. In the last one the theme was being alone and beginning to feel that gnaw away at you like frost bite (at least that is what I got from it). In this one it seems as though you are surrounded by people that you see as fake or malicious, and so even though you aren't alone, you still feel as though you are. And then, as everyone disappears below the waves you cling to your nightmare, even though you know it is bad for you, something that is hurting you, you still don't want it to end, because if it does you will have ended the way you started: by yourself. I could be way off. Either way it was a fantastic read full of rich imagery. I think I liked this one better than the first night.

[Nusquam Esse]

You are dead on here; again, no thought process was involved, I just wrote it as I went.

[Ashira Macy]

Glad to hear it. It was an awesome journey!

[Lyn Anderson]

I really like the way this one went, and the path it meandered down, it was kind of entrancing, you had to scroll through it, which is saying a lot for me, since I am not a fan of scrolling through, and like poems placed on the page so they are easy to read at once.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it; and was willing to keep reading it. As people have told me, it was a bit lengthy. But I wanted to craft something that felt like a dream you would be lost in; which isn't really something I personally could do with a single page of short broken thoughts.

[Frieda P]

Dreams always intrigue me, this one has a feeling of being out of control and powerless, not being able to see the light, even when given hope. Ocean dreams tend to be a popular mind fook, either calm seas or violent surges, you seem to have composed a bit of both, ocean as your unconscious desires and calming seas could be as a protective mother, who knows, it's all open for interpretation. Who's laughing is what I'd like to know. I did enjoy this one Esse.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading! I just started writing what came to mind with no real analysis behind it; so I don't even know what it all means. But then and again, because of this, it is probably more true to how I feel about parts of my life, than most of my writing. Not really sure who or what is laughing, and I am not even sure if I dislike the laughter. ;)

[Frieda P]

Was it a wicked laugh?

[Nusquam Esse]

Not sure, as you may have noticed, I have my own wicked ways... so I am hardly the right person to ask. :D

[Frieda P]

Exactly what I was thinking ;)

[Nusquam Esse]

Ouch, so now I have someone else convinced that I am a devilish rogue; not helping the self-confidence of this one...

[Frieda P]

Did I say it was a bad thing? You are what you are, hey I don't know too many red krakens that are o the up and up, if you know what I mean....

[Nusquam Esse]

Sure sure, on the up and up. that is a good enough point. Of course, if we look at this objectively... there are not many red krakens to begin with. It is like being an only child/kraken and having your parents/the world tell you that you are their favourite child/kraken. Not much competition you know? =)

[Frieda P]

Now that's a whole other poem. ;) You must be the black sheep of the family....haha

[Nusquam Esse]

what, so now I am a black sheep am I? :) Well, you are correct; I don't exactly fit in with my family. A bit more... unconventional if you will.

[Frieda P]

Tell me something I don't know.....

[Nusquam Esse]

uhhh, I like cooking? :P Well, I am a nihilistic atheist, and they are all a bunch of goody goody Mormons... that is where the differences start, but certainly not where they end. I value knowledge and acceptance, and just a generally stoic perspective on life. They focus more on the fact that I brew my own liquor, swear in ways that sailors would fear, and that I am open about sexuality.

[Nusquam Esse]

I mean... one time of someone saying "When in Rome, Do as the Romans" and you reply with "Crucify Christ?" And suddenly no one wants to talk to you? :P (okay, so maybe it wasn't just one time)

[Frieda P]

Okay I wasn't expecting all that, I'm shocked you didn't include your shoe size...you brew your own liquor, now I'm intrigued. ;)

[Frieda P]

Jaysus even I won't go there....

[Nusquam Esse]

hah, I don't remember my shoe size; otherwise I would totally offer up that information. And yes, I brew my own liquor, because it is fun to do! Right now I have three batches processing (about 5 gallons each), some Pumpkin Cider, Mango Banana Mead, and a Spiced Wine.

[Frieda P]

Never had Mead....and I love anything pumpkin.

[Nusquam Esse]

Mead is a tricky thing to deal with... it takes a long time to clarify, and for any tannins or acids you have in it to mature. I made the mead over a year ago, and it is still bubbling, still clarifying. If I tried bottling it right now, the bottles would explode... :P

[Frieda P]

Really, there's another guy ron here that makes honey mead, and I don't think he fermented it for that long...

[Nusquam Esse]

Some mead doesn't take long; honestly I have no idea why mine is still fermenting. But all mead takes a while to fully clarify (because of the pollens and other such things in honey) It also depends on how much honey you use. I bought a s**t ton of it from some monks... >_>

[Frieda P]

I guess I'll stick with store bought vodka...

[Nusquam Esse]

hah, to be fair; it is illegal to distill liquor, so high point liquor is still something you need to get from a liquor store. Well sorta... There does exist a loophole. While distilling alcohol is illegal, taking the water out is not. You can take advantage of the difference in freezing temperatures between water and alcohol, in order to separate, and eventually remove the water. But it is tedious, and you lose alot of your drink in the process. But hey, imagine what 70 proof wine tastes like... lol

[Frieda P]

I can't imagine, but let me know if you whip some up. ;)

[Nusquam Esse]

Lol, I have already made some before. Gave it to a coworker; it was poignant, but he had no idea it was as potent as it was. He ended up drunk as a skunk... and according to him, it was the worst hang-over of his life. :D

[Frieda P]

Ha sounds like fun. ;D

[Nusquam Esse]

I wouldn't know... never been drunk before...

[Frieda P]

Never, in your life? And you distill liquor...

[Nusquam Esse]

Okay, so I am not an alcoholic... next, I only brew liquor; don't go using words like distill or else I might have someone raiding my house. I am not too worried about the booze; but what if they find something else, you know? :P And what can I say, I am a large guy, Irish descent... I can drink absurd amounts. I caught a light buzz once; but that was after roughly 40-50 shots of whiskey (over the course of four hours; I got the buzz after I pounded 20 or so of them back to back)... >_>

[Frieda P]

Oh now I get it....one of my best friends was Irish, he was 6'4" and liquor couldn't touch him, although he dropped dead on a bar stool with a beer in his hand, exactly the way he said he wanted to go....young guy too.

[Nusquam Esse]

0_o Oh s**t... that isn't how I want to go. Like I said, I ain't an alcoholic; hell, I haven't drunk a drop since I went on my diet. What a seriously morbid story to throw in there; now I am all paranoid.

[Frieda P]

I miss the heck out of him, it is what it is, he enjoyed life to the hilt, he went the way he wanted to go....I don't think since I told you that story you'll go unless it's your time paranoia freak...

[Nusquam Esse]

hah, I will try not to... I've had enough brushes to be content with not having any more. ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the free verse works..you do it well...it's a bit long for my taste, and most times i feel longer poems lose some impact, but there are parts of this that just sent me reeling...the speaker had purpose, the rest ran around in confusion....he held on, they didn't ....sort of like Conrad in "Ordinary People"
he hung on, his brother didn't ...and Connie blamed himself.

we cling to beliefs to get us through, others laugh...make fun of us...but they go down, like those on the Titanic...while others cling to rafts of hope, and make it through.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading, and your insights. I agree that it is a bit too long; but I was wanting to form a hybrid between free-verse and prose. There is a Japanese author named Natsume Souseki, who I deeply respect (He was actually on Japanese currency, that is how much impact his contributions to Japanese literature were). He wrote a collection of short stories (like 1-2 pages each), almost poetic, called Ten Nights of Dreams. I was aiming for a similar vibe, albeit less archaic. (His writing was in the early 1900s, and Japanese as a language changed a lot after the war. So he uses older Japanese, which I love to my core; even if it is difficult to read at times.)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

and in that case...as a poemy short story...it is effective...and besides, i am just one reader, and many readers like more length...it's a lot to do with taste...
but the piece spoke to me, nonetheless.

jacob

[Einstein Noodle]

i thought this was probably a real dream you had ... i think there is a lot of fertile ground for your creative mind .. should you choose to alter it .. but i enjoyed it very much the way i took it .. you wrote this down in a frenzy upon waking so as not to forget it .. the way we do with dreams .. water and storms in dreams is a significant thing .. especially if one is in a structure that is leaking (or not) etc. it reads more like prose to me .. in a free form ..dreams are very interesting to me
E.

[Nusquam Esse]

This was not actually a dream; nor have I had this dream (that I remember). But I LOVE surrealism, so I often try and incorporate little bits of dreams and an uncertain reality into my work. I am thinking I will try and make a series of free-form poems/prose like this based around dreams. Admittedly the idea of a collection of dreams in stories is not mine, but rather a famous Japanese Author named Natsume Souseki. I really enjoy and respect his work, he is probably a top five writer for me. Anyway, he wrote a piece called Ten Nights of Dreams (or something like that; can't remember the English title for certain)

[Einstein Noodle]

i will check him out for sure .. love the dream theme :)

[Troy Henson]

Nice form here. Dreams are made up of what our deepest thoughts are. If seeing is believing then what is dreaming?

Troy