紅涙など (To Those Bitter Tears:)

Another Senryu (Translation provided)

Kourui,

Naze Konna
Chikaku ni Uso wo
Tsukutta no?



To those Bitter Tears:
Why did the likes of you make
these lies run so deep?

Author's Note

Here is another senryu for those who enjoy my attempts at Japanese poetry. This translation suffers from some extreme liberties to make it conform to English Senryu standards. In order to meet the syllable counts I actually had to integrate the title itself as part of the poem. (Because Japanese is less wordy than English, it would actually be expressed with fewer words than allowed in a haiku)

Reviews

[Alisa Js]

Aloha,

This one is quite good. 'Bitter tears', nice!

Interesting ending.

I will return.

Alisa ;-)

[Zahra]

This is a beautiful senryu. Think I should learn Japanese from you. :D Senryu is my favourite form.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading, I am glad you enjoyed it. Hahaha, Japanese is not exactly an easy language... ;)

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are quite good at these translations..amazing that you can do the japanese part...

and yes, the lies run deep, very deep.

[Nusquam Esse]

Thanks for reading, I am glad that you enjoyed this. Japanese poetry is a whole 'nother ballgame, so it can be tricky learning how to use short 'cutting' lines. But I find it works well when combined with long flowing words. When you tend to have 40+ word sentences (like I often do), a single word can often carry the most impact. And yeah, the Japanese is not amazing, since while I can read it just fine, I rarely write with it... so I am inexperienced at expressing myself. But hey, we never get better without trying.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

that is true, trying and much practice trying. :))

[Nusquam Esse]

It may be of interest, but 'Kourui' refers to crimson tears, which are filled with blood of suffering, yet also carry a feminine nuance like running makeup. Bitter Tears was the best I could manage with so few syllables.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

it works here.

[Tina Louise UK]

So much said in so few words...enjoyed :) x

[Einstein Noodle]

powerful expression ... well done says i ..personifying the tears is perfect .. absolutely perfect ... wish i had thought of it when suffering them ..might have made it easier :)
E.

[Bri 810]

For your translated version: It's simple but strong. I like it. :)