言うだけ野暮 (You're Wasting Your Breath)

A Tanka in Japanese with English Translation

Iu dake Yabo

Yoro no Soko
Kurefusagatta
Higuremae
Yumechigaeshita
Tenchikaimei



You're Wasting Your Breath

Darkness of the night
was shrouded in my despair
before the sun sets
I pray away my nightmares
but all is plunged to darkness

Author's Note

I noticed a contest for Tanka on here, so I figured, why not try my hand at at? This Tanka, a contemporary form of the Waka, follows the traditional 5-7-5-7-7 On structure, as well as the transitional middle phrase. (3rd line is often used to work as both an end and a beginning for the upper and lower phases.) Please note that my English translations are not exact, since it is impossible to carry nuances while conforming to syllable count AND maintaining an exact translation.

Reviews

[Claire in VA]

Hmmm. Excellent writing.
I wouldn't know if the kanji (It is kanji, isn't it?) is correct or not because although I did study Japanese, I don't remember much of it because I haven't used it. I hope that last statement makes sense. :)
What I can say is that it is visually beautiful and audibly appealing.
Good grief; such gloom!
It's an incredible tanka.

I look forward to reading more of your pieces.
Thanks for writing!
Claire

[WindsorWolf28]

Amazing. I love it. (Gonna add fluff cuz I need at least 25 characters to submit this review.)

[Kasey Miriam]

Apsolutely aweispiringly. I have always enjoyed the Japanese styled poetry and this is no exception.

[Bowers]

wow, this is so great, I love the message and the translation! very cool write!

[Einstein Noodle]

love it! so compact and precise ... your title and the first two lines are particularly powerful to me... that the night itself is shrouded in my despair is really as deep an emotive phrase gets, says i ... i don't know Japanese but i don't think anything has been lost in translation ... nice job Esse!
E.

[don't know]

that's how a tanka should written. :) I like the imagery here.Also the idea of using the third line to work as both an end and a beginning for the upper and lower phases.)

[Blue]

You never cease to impress me, Nusquam. I don't know how to judge Tanka but this is excellently written. I like the last two lines particularly, intense and powerful. I just wonder why "Night", "Shrouded", "Despair", "Sun", and other words have to be capitalized?

[Nusquam Esse]

To be fair, Tanka usually don't have any capitalization in English, and they are devoid of punctuation. This is because the different parts of the poem play off of each other, and Capitalization and Punctuation can interrupt this 'device' if you will. It is supposed to have an almost 'stream of consciousness' effect. The general effect is similar to my poem "Calm Seas of Emotion" in which each bolded word begins and ends a stanza/idea simultaneously. So yeah... it really shouldn't be Capitalized, but I wasn't really thinking about that when I was translating it; my mistake! :P The first segment (top 3 lines) literally translated is something like "The Bottom (as in the darkest) of the Night, darkness (with a connotation of despair) is clogged/blocked, before nightfall." I was trying to give it an effect of the deepest despair settling over a person, like the darkest of nights, but it settles over them before the sun even sets. The second part (bottom 3) is "Before Nightfall. Resisting Dreams (not something easy to translate literally, it means to pray or recite incantations to try and keep bad dreams from coming true) Darkness overwhelms heaven and earth (an archaic saying). With this I wanted to convey the feeling of a person trying to keep away their bad dreams, keeping away their despair an darkness. They pray before the setting sun, but it is futile, because the sun is not swayed by your desires... and so Heaven and Earth are consumed with darkness, no matter how desperate you are.

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

AWESOME WRITE! :-D

Kaze~