I've Been Alone All Along

Songfiction, set to the lyrics of Evanescence's My Immortal. A girl finally has the strength to move on.

From her window, through the shutters, she watched with a fluttering heart in her chest as he strode up the driveway to her front door.  Each step he took in the drizzling rain slapped the pavement with a sense of both longing in her soul and doom for her dreams.  For every step he took toward her meant every step he would take away from her... steps, perhaps, he'd begun taking long ago, before she was aware of her own denial.

The doorbell ringing brought her back from her wayward thoughts, and she dried the last of the tears she'd already stopped crying, resigned to accept that her burning eyes would be red no matter what she did.  Tucking her hair behind her ears, she sighed and rose to let him in.

Step, step, step... bare feet padding down carpetted stairs never sounded louder in her ears.  She felt very much like a dead-woman-walking, not-so-gracefully approaching the chopping block to accept her fate.  Tracing a slender finger down the banister her left hand yearned to tighten and grip for dear life to prevent her from finishing what should have already ended; what her mind was convinced had already ended despite the protest of her heart.

Finally reaching the door, she took one last instant to regain composure before opening it.

A blast of chilly air nearly ripped the door from her fingers, blowing her auburn hair free from its loose tie and causing her dress to dance hauntingly about her legs, chilling her slightly but far less than it should have, for the tumult she was otherwise experiencing left her mostly numb to the elements.

He just stood there only raising his head with his hand resting against the doorway, rain dripping from his hair and jacket as puffs of steamy vapor emanated in time with his breath.  After sniffling softly, his unusually low voice addressed her.  "Hi."

She didn't answer, but stepped to the side to allow him in, unable to return his captivating gaze eerily silhouetted by the absence of light inside her house coupled by the streetlight's ambiance behind him.  Only the raindrops dripping from him reflected any light against the velvet shadow of his current visage.  Depsite that, she could practically feel his normally kind and wise dark brown eyes boring into her as if probing her chest for any betrayal her heart could offer of her true feelings.

Handing him a towel, she closed the door behind him, and the room returned to the soft glow afforded by the candles burning on her kitchenette.  Memories of laughter, music, and even torrid passion vaguely teased her mind as she swept her eyes about the living room, but there was only silence now broken only with each sniffle.  He finished drying himself abruptly, dropping his arm and reaching for her hand.  "Babe..."

She shook her head, pulling her arm away, the tears threatening to escape again.  'No', she warned herself, 'he knows just what to say.  It doesn't work anymore.  It can't...'

"Baby... I know what you must be feeling right now.  I know it means so little anymore as often as I've had to say it, but it still bears repeating: I'm sorry.  For everything.  I never meant to hurt you.  Ever.  I -- I love you..."

His eyes met her gaze, shining coals that probed her again, but her tear-walled blue eyes were cold and unyielding until the emotions began bursting the seams of her resolve and she weakened, unable to control the floods that broke the banks and flowed freely.

"I'm so tired of being here," she whispered raspily, "Suppressed by all my childish fears."  He blinked, unsure how to react apparently, and his hesitation afforded her the opportunity to choke back the sob and wipe her eyes.  A little more steadily she continued.  "And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave."

"Why?  Why do I have to leave?  I don't want to lose you."

"'Cause your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone."

It seemed like a minor panic began to creep into his voice, and his eyes grew nervous.  "Sweetheart... we can work it out.  We always do."  He reached for her again.

"These wounds won't seem to heal," she pleaded, "This pain... is just too real--" Dropping the towel he scooped her in his arms, shaking his head in what appeared to be disbelief.  "No," he protested, "you're just upset.  You don't know what you're saying."

She struggled lightly in his arms, shaking her head sadly.  "There's just too much that time cannot erase."

He let her go but held her hands still, then getting on his knees he pleaded with her.  "What are you saying, Baby?  You can't give up on us.  I believe in us.  Don't you believe in us anymore?"

Her silence did little to subdue him, and he shot up abruptly.  "So that's it, then.  You're just going to give up, aren't you?  It must be so easy for you, isn't it?"  His voice was icy, cold and bitter as he bit her with his words.  "I didn't know you could be such a heartless b***h."

As if stabbed, she stepped backwards.  How could he?  With half-incredulity and half-newfound abject sorrow she softly rebutted through fresh tears, "When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears... When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.  And I held your hand through all of these years..."

Apparently taken aback, maybe even remorsefully his eyes lowered to her feet.  "So when," he choked, his own tears beginning to form, "did you stop loving me."

'But you still have all of me,' her heart yearned to cry.  Instead, she replied, "You used to captivate me by your resonating light.  Now I'm bound by the life you left behind."

"What do you mean?" he said, exasperated at his failing shield as his emotions began to betray him.  But her only answer was to walk to the door and open it again.  Outside the rain had stopped, and the moon shone brightly from behind the veil of rosy-purple clouds casting a thousand little moons like fireflies among every puddle and raindrop on the ground.  She said nothing, but her expectant stance said it all.

Still in evident disbelief, he rose like an empty ghost and strode to her.  He slowly raised his hand to her cheek to caress it, as if his touch could wake her from this nightmare they were both having together, but she pulled away, turning her cheek to hide her face, for she knew his touch could infect her again with false hopes and pretense and she might falter, as if it were clearly written in her eyes.  She simply waited for him to leave.

He sighed, then lowering his hand he blew her a kiss.  "I do love you.  I always have," he whispered.  "But I guess it wasn't enough."  And with that, he turned defeated and nearly stumbled down the pathway to the sidewalk.

After she closed the door, she leaned back against it, her chest tightening and her throat closing with the relentless threat of more sobs.  With closed eyes, she whispered out loud, "Your face... it haunts my once pleasant dreams, your voice... it chased away... all the sanity in me..."  And the sobs broke as she sank against the door, all strength failing her as her legs gave way.  She covered her eyes as if to stop each tear from falling away with a little piece of her...

After a few minutes of this she stilled and managed to rise.  Against her will it seemed she was drawn to the window.  There he was still, sitting on the curb in front of her house, head cradled in his hands, his back heaving slightly but rhythmically.  Her heart tore in two, for after all he'd done she still felt his pain as her own.  But her own words repeated in her mind, restraining her from running to him to once again kiss his tears away and shield him from pain with her love.  'These wounds won't seem to heal... this pain is just too real... there's just too much that time cannot erase..."

A wave of weakness struck her and she ran to the door, hand quivering against the doorknob, but her wrist wouldn't work and her feet remained planted in place.  Relaxing only when she realized she couldn't go out there, she turned her back against the door and leaned against it again, raising her arms up and placing her hands over her forehead and eyes.  She closed her eyes, then opening them she peered through the glass accent of the door to see him still there, unchanged.  She repeated this action twice...

"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone..." she whispered at last, her spell broken.

Finally defeated by her own self, she stepped back from the door and turned to face the stairs.

"But though you're still with me," she whispered turning back to face the door, "I've been alone all along."  Tearing her eyes from the door, she finally slumped upstairs.  She was exhausted; she was frightened; she was lonely; she was depressed.

But she was finally free.

Author's Note

Although this song probably means something else, one day when I was rather melancholy this was the story that was inspired. Lyrics themselves are of course copyright by their respective owners.

Reviews

[Kristina Bree]

thats really cool how you did that. i love it though awesome ^-^