The Burden and the Bane Pt. 1

A short multi-installment story about the evils of advertising and online dating. Yep, only I could be so devious as to mix the two into a Chalupa of Madness. -NM

"The following message was forwarded via RealDate4Singles.com^TM."

"On Wednesday, September 12, 2012, Lindsey H. wrote:

'Hi, I saw your profile and, well, I liked what you had to say.  If you're still interested please drop me a line. (I think you can just respond to this e-mail, I'm not sure, LOL.  If not leave me a comment on my page).  Let's set up a date over coffee or something, what do you say?

Looking forward to hearing from you! :)
xoxo'"

'Which one was Lindsey's ad again?' I thought to myself as I checked my "Favorites" folder for her ad.  Once I found it I quickly re-read it, remembering how she had described herself.  "Oh, right!  She was one of the really cool ones."  I re-read some of her descriptions: Reasonably intelligent; attractive; affectionate; loves  music, literature, photography, nature; prefers coffee spots to clubs or bars...  I quickly responded with my confirmation and set a date for that Friday at a coffee-house chain in New Haven Port, a happening beach shopping district.

The night of the date, I was dressed as best as I could be.  Slightly old clothes, unfortunately, but clean and not shabby-looking.  Freshly showered and clean-trimmed there was a bounce in my step as I looked forward to a date with a lovely woman.  Down the driveway I walked towards my car, dropping my keys in anticipation.

After unlocking the door I sat behind the wheel, closed the door, and placed the key in the ignition, turning it.  "Good evening," a feathery female voice greeted me to which I replied sarcasticly, "Good evening, car."

"Before we begin, did you know that Bell Gasoline is the most efficient and 'green' fuel on the market today?"

"No, but thanks."

"Also, for a limited time only, any fill-up of eight gallons or more earns you a discount on a Premium-Star car wash, with a free trial of Tortoise HotWax..."

Sigh.  I sat through another two "commercials" before the car actually started, one about tires and another advertising a getaway package to a local desert casino resort.  I'd nearly gouged my eyes to distract myself with pain before I heard the gentle hum of my engine finally come to life.

Turning onto the boulevard I decided some music would be a good way to settle my nerves which were beginning to go into overdrive thinking about meeting this girl.  I turned on the car stereo which greeted me with another commercial advertising satellite radio subscription.  I waited the customary 45 seconds and connected my Mp3 player, to which I'm greeted by a commercial regarding its "eTunes" music download service.  In growing exasperation I braked abruptly to avoid rear-ending a car stopped at a red light as the list of new pop music released this week finished and my playlist became available.

Once on the freeway, the traffic was terrible: bumper to bumper as far as my line of sight can tell before the road bends south.  In the center two lanes however cars were zipping by, not terribly fast but far quicker than I was currently moving.  Above the center median was a sign that advertised: "Are you stuck in traffic?  Get moving with QuickTrak^TM for a small toll."  Just ahead a sign read "New Haven Port - 55 mins" while the sign above the express lanes read
"New Haven Port - 25 mins. Current Toll Amt: $15.75."  I pounded the steering wheel in disgust, then avoided watching the tollpayers on their expedited journey to the beach city.

After a gruelling hour of traffic I finally made it to my exit, Pacific Shore Hwy.  The traffic was thick here too but still moving quicker than the supposed "freeway".  Another five minutes passed when I made it to the Pier 3 district, and pulled into the adjacent parking lot.

Once at the kiosk, I pressed the green "Ticket" button.  A chipper male voice responded, "Parking is $18.00 for our General Parking, but you can upgrade to our Premium Parking for only $25.00, and our Valet Package for $30.00!  Just press the appropriate button below."  I smacked my forehead in frustration, then pressed the green button again.  To my dismay the voice repeated itself, and people behind me began to honk.  "Move it, buddy!  It's not that difficult!"  I contemplated getting out of the car to argue with him when apparently waiting 15 seconds triggered a ticket to dispense for the General Parking section.  "Jeez, finally!" I gasped.  I grabbed it hastily and pulled into the lot once the arm rose and headed for the general lot, which was packed and far from the actual beach whereas the Premium was right on the boardwalk.  D****t.

Relieved at finally arriving, I strode toward the boardwalk where all the shops and restaurants were, each step abounding with a mixture of dread, hope, excitement, and fear.  I was sweating lightly, and my heart appeared to pound heavier and heavier with each step closer to the Starwerks coffee shop.

When I got to it, I stopped just short of the window and peered through in a sidelong fashion.  Scanning the patrons I sought the girl that most looked like her RealDateSingles avatar, but the tables nearest were a sea of blondes.  I perused the lines and people waiting for their drinks, then finally spotted her towards the rear off to the side reading a magazine.  Sucking up my courage (and my gut) I approached the door and pushed through.

Inside the coffee shop the atmosphere drastically changed as the chatter of a hundred customers filled the air over the undertone of Dave Andrews Band, a hip and trendy music group.  The smell of mocha, vanilla, and espresso were rich, and the shop was warm but not torrid.

I proceeded directly to the table I had spotted Lindsey reading her magazine, psyching myself up the whole way.  "Be suave, be cool,"  I prepped myself.  "Don't say anything dumb.  Don't oogle her...much..."

Finally at her table, I stopped and hesitated for just a second before saying "Hi, nice to finally meet you."  The brunette raised her head to meet my gaze as a faint smile crossed her lips; soft-looking lips I was already fantasizing about kissing.  Even a twinkle appeared in her bright, liquid azure eyes...

Reviews

[Que]

Ah, the lovelyness of the future you created. Commercials just to turn your car on, makes me want to further my city-bus loving thoughts. A peak into a future corporate (probably closer than we think) world gone haywire.

Despite the obvious downer thoughts this chapter has given me, I do enjoy it. Also, I loved the "Starwerks" and "Dave Andrews Band" touch. Not quite the same as the true things, but quite obviously 'poking fun'. I"m eager to read whatever comes next (even if it is a surprise in the future to find that you've updated further than the 1st chapter. Your profile does say you often forget them. Or something along this lines.)

~Que

[Nicole (Carpe Diem)]

what a great piece... so enjoyable to read... love the second to last paragraph with the be sauve and don't oogle lines...

[Carole A. Ward]

Wow, I was half expecting her to blurt out some pre-programmed ad before beginning the conversation! LOL! Very well written. This piece definitely conveyed the emotion of frustration the MC was feeling, and I must say I joined him just reading the ads...and also feel a sense of dread that perhaps this could be in our very near future. I certainly hope not!

I look forward to reading more of your writing!

Namaste,
Carole