Bath and Beyond

Rolland is a man of many burdens. He has struggled with his weight his entire life and has a passion for bathtub-bathing which has been tormenting him due to the lack of bathtubs that fit is exact body shape. Every time he finds a tub close to meeting his criteria, he dismisses it and looks for a larger one. Don’t we all. However, the larger bathtub is always too big for his body so he resorts to gaining more weight to shape his body into the bigger and better bathtub. A vicious cycle, ‘tis. And it isn’t without consequence of course. These short periods of intense weight gain have caused Rolland’s sweat to turn cloudy and to increase in viscosity.

Every morning Rolland stands expressionless in his putrid shower, so open and vertical, contemplating how good his life would be if he could just find that damned bathtub. Rolland has been on a years-long and seemingly never-ending search for a suitable bathtub.

This morning is not particularly different than any other for Rolland. After drying off and ceremonially spitting on and kicking his shower, Rolland prepares himself for an especially busy day. Rolland has decided to step it up a notch and drastically increase his TTH, which is his own measurement of “Tubs Tested per Hour”. This is no joke, to Rolland.

Meanwhile, at the local precinct Detective Porcey scans over an unsolved case that has been haunting him for the past year. There have been several reports across the region from appliance and home furnishing stores of an unknown individual with a larger-than-normal body mass index destroying and vandalizing display bathtubs. While the destroyed tubs are cracked apart, the vandalized ones remain intact but contain a translucent greasy-slimy residue rendering them unsellable. Generally these instances result in one or two tubs being ruined in the store. Being that it is Black Friday, Detective Porcey searches the internet for potential targets in the area of the serial tubber. Detective Porcey finds a large Home Depot at the edge of town which has yet to be tubbed. With no better ideas, Detective Porcey grabs his badge and service pistol and heads towards Home Depot to scout the area.

Rolland is a human, and like anyone else he likes a good deal. Being Black Friday, he figured this is the perfect time to up his game and maybe even find that the perfect bathtub is on sale. To up his TTH, he decides to visit a Home Depot which has one of the largest selections of bathtubs in the region. “Done are the days of quickly testing one or two tubs and leaving �" this is a numbers game”, Rolland thinks.

Rolland walks into the Home Depot, more determined than ever. He walks towards the vast bathtub section and stays cool knowing that he can’t afford for his anticipation to get in the way. He starts calm and casual, slowly walking backwards towards a bathtub to lower himself into. Bathtub number one, “SMASH”, way too small. Bathtub number two, “CRUNCH”, still too small. Bathtub number three, “CRACK”, almost there. Number four, silence. Rolland fits but immediately starts wriggling side-to-side in the inch of extra room on either side. Rolland peels himself out of bathtub number four and scans the area. 

Detective Porcey arrives at Home Depot where it is busier than usual but nothing appears out of the ordinary. He parks his car and approaches the store.

After taking a minute to scan his remaining options, Rolland spots a pear-shaped bathtub that looks to be glowing. “Could this be it?” Rolland is sure that he has seen that exact shape in the mirror many times. Rolland scurries over to the bathtub.

Upon entering the store, Detective Porcey spots an employee that is clearly distressed and on the verge of tears. “What’s the matter, ma’am?”, questions the detective. “Oh, thank god you’re here! It’s … the bathtubs, the poor bathtubs. I’ve seen this happen on the news but I never thought I’d see it for myself!”, responds the employee. Detective Porcey starts running in the direction that the employee is pointing.

Rolland carefully lowers himself into the divine pear-shaped bathtub, and feels a brand-new sensation. It is as if Rolland has been reborn. Rolland tries to wiggle around and he won’t budge. In a state of disbelief, Rolland stays completely still and just listens … but there are no cracks.

“HEY!”

Rolland turns to see Detective Porcey with his gun raised. Rolland tries to get up to escape the detective but there is no room for him to move to be able to peel himself out. With no room to move, Rolland’s sweat acts as the perfect adhesive.

Three hours later, the police forklift arrives to removed Rolland, where he and the bathtub are then shipped off to jail.