A Pirate's Life

The Peterborough Pirates is a youth hockey association well-known for their bizarre take off-season dryland training. While most teams stick to weights and cardio in fitness facilities, the Pirates strive to stay in the frame of mind of their mascot by going on pirate-style looting raids complete with pirate-talk and attire.

In the absence of a proper tavern fit for a pirate, the team was gathered at the bar of the local Applebee’s. Others in the restaurant stare at what appears to be two adult pirates and a bundle of smaller pirates about half the size of the big ones.

Coach Mike addresses the team, “Ye scally-wags be ready for a next-level booty looty! Done be ye with yer Dollarama and Retirement home loots. Ready be ye for a challenge says me - Canada’s legislature, Canadian parliament! To Ottawa!”

The team erupts in cheer, “Y-HAR! TO OTTAWA BE WE!”

Just as the cheer settles, the Applebee’s manager approaches Coach Mike, “Excuse me sir, but your party needs to either order something or leave.”

“Apologies, we were just leaving,” explains the Coach, breaking character.

The team piled onto a bus and made the trek all the way to Ottawa. Upon arrival, the bus driver was visually distressed. Sure, they are accustomed to transporting school children, but a group of boys encouraged to act like pirates is a different bottle of rum altogether.

The bus stops right in front of the parliament buildings and Coach Mike stands up for the pre-loot lecture, “Training have ye been for this day, and ready be ye. Legislature looty!”

The team spills out of the bus, charging the front lawn of Parliament. All other foot traffic in the area halts to watch the two adult pirates followed by a group of halfling pirates running towards Parliament. Many are hiking up their pants and grabbing hold of various ill-fitting garments to ensure they don’t fall off on the run, while chanting, “Legislature looty! Legislature looty!”

As the team approaches the entrance, the raid loses steam at the sight of a single unarmed guard. The group of pirates stop in front of the guard. “No legislature looty,” says the guard, clearly unimpressed.

The pirates were devastated as all of their pent up energy and excitement was quickly draining.

“Yarr. Err…Uh, Legislature lawn looty?” suggests Coach Mike.

A few seconds pass as the halfling pirates process the situation. Then, the team erupts, “Legislature LAWN looty!”.

The pirates spent the next hour sprawled across the lawn kicking at the grass, looting imaginary gold and jewelry, and breaking imaginary breakables like vases, plates, and glasses.