Naked

Emotional purging, nakedness, exposure...

I'm not sure where to start this; the beginning seems so far behind me and I'm not sure I can make my way back.  I feel as though I am about to undress in front of the world; but maybe that's what I'm supposed to feel, hell at least I'm "feeling" at all, right?
As I sit here in the silence, the deafening silence of my house, the loneliness overwhelms me. This is one of "those" moments, one of them where I know I have a million reasons to feel gratitude and blessing, and even though I am grateful, and I know that I have been blessed, something so deep inside of me hurts, longs, cries out, to no one, and nothing.

I'm afraid to expose this emptiness inside; because maybe then I have to acknowledge it and accept the realness of it.
I have come to know that the only truly unconditional love I will know in my life(aside from that of my Higher power) is the love that flows from my children , because it seems like no matter how much we might struggle, the look in their eyes when they look at me doesn't change. God makes the bond between a mother and child this strong because He knows that there will be times that we need something unmovable, something solid and steady; and there is just nothing more solid than the love of a child to their mother. In these moments of pain and emptiness I reflect on the little faces that were once part of my everyday, smiles that I woke up to every morning, and the breathing that I would fall asleep listening to as they drifted off into dreams in the next room at night.
I sat here looking at my son over the weekend and saw this amazingly handsome Man sitting there. It caused me to stare at him because it really wasn't supposed to happen so fast; this growing up thing. A wonderful thing happened, and it provoked tears of joy from me and my son came to my side and put his arms around me while I cried, he didn't speak, he just offered his Mom a safe place of comfort for a moment because he knew thats all I needed and then I would be just fine, and I was, and the love and pride that I feel for him filled my heart.
I watched my baby girl step into yet another rite of passage in her life today as she passed that drivers test; the smile on her face was enough to light up a room; and again my heart overflowed with love and pride.
As I sit here now typing these words, the tears won't stop running, and the ache that I feel in my chest won't let up;  I am so very proud of them, all that they have been, are and will be....but only God knows how much I miss them and how I embrace every second with them these days because I’m never quite sure when they will be back.

The looming realization of an empty house is like a mirror reflecting how I feel inside......it wasn't supposed to be like this; it wasn't the picture I painted on my lifes canvas so long ago; I never saw myself sitting alone after they grew up and began lives of their own. I never saw lonely nights that I would crawl into an empty bed and cry myself to sleep; Nope, I just didn't see it. Were my eyes closed?  Was I sleeping at the wheel when I was meant to go right and went left instead?  I don't know. I just know that my heart aches and the loneliness that I feel is threatening to swallow me whole.
But, what I also know and what I believe, is that GOD is working right now; perhaps life has been too loud lately, too hurried and full of way too much worry....maybe, just maybe, I am standing on the edge and He is about to push me because I've stood there long enough without movement, and it just seems to be His way in my life to bring me to my knees, right before He lifts me up.
I have nothing without Hope..........

My cup of tea is empty and all I want to do is surrender to the warmth of my blankets and the security of my pillow wall and just let these tears pour out until the well is dry or until i drift off into slumber, exhausted from this emotional purging.
I feel naked knowing that I am about to hit the "publish post" button on this, but I just don't have the will in me right now to put a smile on my face and speak about positive things or hopeful tomorrows; right now I just hurt inside and I just want to be held tight, but that is not a luxury I am allowed.........