Listen

The experience of dealing with depression and fear

Listen

 

“It’s coming,” the voice says.

“Breathe deeply,” it whispers again.

And then, even as the breath fills your lungs over and over, you can feel the weight pushing you down….down…down…until you’re buried underneath the rubble, struggling for breath, not sure whether to pray for death, or to ask for a hand up and out once more.

 

You’ve fought so hard, so long, so many times, feeling as though you’re just moving in place.  The tears come and you swallow hard, the ache in your chest wells up to choke the breath from your lungs, and you feel your fists clench as your eyes focus ahead intensely.

 

You’ve won again, but only for a short while. You know it will come back, and when it does it will be even more determined to bend your will and drain your strength.  The clock on the wall ticks away the minutes, the hours and the days, until suddenly it’s there again, that voice in your head….”It’s coming, get ready,” it whispers without feeling,

“Stop fighting. Face it this time. Look it in the eye.”  And although you want to, to just give in and let it happen, you feel the fear of not knowing- not knowing if this will be the time that you get swallowed completely, or if you will find your feet again.

 

In one fail swoop it washes over you like a massive tidal wave. A killing mass of burden and heartache, and you find yourself lying in the dark, weeping and weak, beaten and bruised yet again.  Answers don’t come, your soul just howls with hurt, and all you can do is lay there immersed in it- sure that this will be the time when the darkness will prevail.  No one can guess how long you’ll stay, not even you.  No one is sure if you’ll ever leave, especially you.

 

“Find a safe place,” the voice calls from far away, and somehow you get to your hands and knee’s and you crawl through the darkness until you find that place.  It gives you time to tend to the wounds, time to clear your sight and look for something to grab on to. There is a light, a small yet visible glimmer just beyond your reach, but as your eyes focus you begin to realize that its drawing closer, and suddenly you realize that you’re moving again, slowly yes, but forward for sure.  Clawing and digging you’ll reach that light and you just try to remember that once you’re there, you’ll never have to be here again.

07/20/2003

~kdk~

Reviews

[Becky C Strukamp]

WOW!! Powerful. TO me, this decribes the feeling of a past love coming to haunt ones memories and as it does it tried to linger but you continue to push away those bad memories and go on with a healthy life.But it comes back over and over because the hurt was so intense. Beautifully written.

[ColorfulWinds]

This is very well written and captures depression and anxiety so well.

[Lily Mae]

This is so intense and right on... truer thoughts on depressions couldn't be said.. and awesome write on a tough subject..x

[lostboy]

that we all could reach that place and stay forever.perhaps that is heaven.

[Ruth]

WOW! This is enlightening and a lot can relate to the subject of this piece also.....free form thought provoking work! Love it xx

[MS. BABy]

I love creative writing because it can be related to so many things Hello Ms. Gold, I hope we can share more of our work together, I am BABy......smile

[Jaded Mermaid]

Everything I've read of yours speaks so loud. You're a great author of these stories telling about your life. There was once this icon I had, I might still do if I look, it says "In all this chaos we found safety," how true that is!