Tracks in the Snow

A reflection about meeting My Self in a random moment in life

I walked through the snow one day and became aware of my tracks. As I looked behind me, my steps in the snow became crooked and sloppy. I tried to walk straight while still watching behind me. I couldn’t do both and do them well.

 

I began thinking about how my life is like those tracks in the snow. I talk a lot about The Fear Factor in my life; my insanely insecure moments when that b*****d Fear grips me like a boa on its prey.  There are some days that I am untouchable and strong and I believe in the good around me, I believe in the good in other people, and on those days, I am content in my world, but there are other days when nothing feels right, and I feel like a caged animal screaming to be heard and loved. How is that for a piece of realness? I felt like I had no choice but to bare my soul with this one. Someday someone is going to hear me, and they will gently help me heal inside.

I got a stone cold look at my Self, and perhaps my future, yesterday; I wasn’t really liking what I saw, actually I didn’t like it at all, but the positive energy that came FROM it, made me realize why it happened.  I tell people all the time that all things happen for a reason, and as much as I believe it myself, there are times when I question it a bit; mostly because something happens that I don’t understand.

I can tell that my mind is getting quieter lately, because I am actually hearing the answers to the things I have questioned.

What I saw in the mirror last night was a woman with a whole lot of love and life to give, but just like those tracks in the snow that get all off course when you try to watch behind you, so does our life.  I realized that as long as I keep looking back over my shoulder, I’m going to keep stumbling all over the place, it’s when I decide to turn my head around and only watch in front of me, that I will stay on the path that I aspire to. My past is forever a part of me, the people in my past will always be ingrained in my life’s fabric; but they don’t have to hold me hostage. It’s MY job to make that woman in the mirror okay, and it’s even okay to want a man to let me be soft and weak now and then, because it is after all, just who I am.  I’ve never hidden from the fact that I make mistakes, and I don’t always think before I speak, and sometimes my censoring button gets stuck in the “OFF” position when it should be flashing green for “GO! CENSOR HERE!” I am after all, just who I am.

The other big light bulb moment last night came in the proud realization that I had learned how to gracefully be responsible when I am wrong, own it, and be genuinely able to say that I am sorry because I know that I have done something wrong, and the beauty in it, was that I allowed myself to be completely emotionally naked and just said exactly what I was thinking and feeling.  We all say we want real, we want openness and honesty, but sometimes even the best of us having trouble accepting it. I have been doing a lot of growing lately with all the writing I’m doing again, and last night I understood the growing pains a little better. I came to peace with my Self and forgave myself for making a mistake, and I forgave others for being less than gentle; when they needed to come from a place of love and patience. It is after all, just who we are though, right?

 

 

01/09©2009.KDK.All Rights Reserved. 

 

Reviews

[Jaded Mermaid]

Is this one of your first stories laid out in format? If so, bravo! You did so good. I've always tried to bring about that point too, the whole 'forgive who you are' situation, it truly does help get you to the person you wish to be but along the way you unleash all your demons and battling those can be...hellish. Hopefully you don't lose this feel of accomplishment.

[Christina May Shanaberg]

This was written like a page from a journal or diary; not really written to anyone, but yourself. I liked it!