Without You

Of all of the people in the world,

The world gave me you.

There must have been a reason,

There was!

But was there also,

A reason it allowed you to change on a dime,

And rip me out of your life?

I suppose there was,

Maybe it's because,

I wasn't meant to stay,

Only to help you avoid the men who would hurt you,

Maybe because the world thought I wasn't changing fast enough,

Maybe because, after all this, you never really loved me at all.

This twin bed seems like the artic,

So lonely and cold, without you beside me.

My skin crawls, because I no longer feel your fingers,

Sliding in between mine.

I no longer see color,

Not that there's any reason to,

Now that that orange hair isn't next to me.

I can no longer smell the sweet scents of argan and vanilla,

Reminding me I'm safe.

I listen to our songs, crying, hoping to find some shard of you,

Tucked away within them.

I watch our shows,

Looking around the room to see where you went.

I put on our rings, wearing the one you gave back to me,

Hoping you'll come and take it back.

I walk to your door, I stand there,

I want to knock, to ring the doorbell,

But I know you won't answer.

I stand in our old haunts,

Remembering the good times.

I remember the stolen kisses,

Behind the choir room, in the alley behind my house,

I remember the stolen hours I spent with you, learning about you,

Enjoying being with you.

I think about the dates we've been on,

The movies, the picnics, the hanging out at the drink shop.

I remember giving you a piggyback ride over the water when it rained,

I remember cooking for you,

How much I worried that it would be terrible,

How much I wanted everything to be perfect.

I wear my jacket you wore so many times to bed,

I think about how much I wanted to raise a family with you,

I think about the dreams I had of you and our kids,

I remember making plans to celebrate one year of surviving together,

Making plans for little gifts along the way,

Seeing things and going "I wonder what she would think?"

I guess I was the only one who truly wanted that,

Even if I was the one preventing it,

Even if I had problems and issues,

even if I was the one who was rude and unkind at times,

Even if I was the one who pushed you away,

I was still the one who wanted us to work.

Who tried to keep moving on,

While you kept going through the motions.

You tried to help, but after I walked away the first time,

Your heart wasn't really in this relationship,

Was it?