My Worries I have Never Told You

Is it so wrong to worry? I mean, is it wrong to worry about whether or not your relationship with her will change, all because of one moment? Is it so wrong to worry that, after the one moment where you two became one, if only for a moment, that your relationship will become one of the flesh, not the heart? Maybe it's just me, but I think that having that one, single, blissful, solitary moment means the end of the world. It means that your whole life is about to flip upside down, in subtle ways, and that you will be tested in earnest. I hope that my choice was the right one, I hope that I won't regret it later on in life. Maybe I'm too young to be thinking this far ahead, but I worry that when I'm 30, 40, maybe even 50, I'll look back on that choice and think, "why the hell did I decide to do THAT?" I know she worries that she was not worthy to take the card, that she is too dark, too twisted to take that from someone like me. But I worry that maybe I wasn't worthy to have the card taken by someone like her, beautiful and kind and caring, even if she doesn't like to see it or admit it. I guess my fears come from my feeling that I do not belong here, that I am not like everyone else, that I, and my beliefs are so foreign that I will never be truly accepted and loved for who I am...

I know I don't know everything about her, about her past, but I want to know, I hunger to know, but I am trying not to eat too quickly; I want to slow down and savor the tale, but maybe in my desire to savor, I failed to get the answers that would direct me now, or maybe, that would have warned me about what is to come..

 I am feeling like my lack of true thought has resulted in my position, where I don't know where to turn. I smile and nod, not really hearing my friends, because all I want to hear is her words, her story, but I don't know when she will speak. She claims to be an open book, but I have to ask the right questions. Yet I prefer to sit back, listening to their story, only asking questions to clarify something, or further investigate how they would react to a certain thing. But now, I am being forced to find the words to ask the right questions to find the answers I need. But how can I find words to form questions I don't know to find the answers I don't know I need? I guess most of my questions are about the collection of cards she holds, about the life of pleasure she has led so far, but I don't even know if they are the right questions.. Perhaps Apollo or Janus could help me, but Eros, the one who holds the questions I need to ask, is never telling anyone, until it's too late.

I dream of the future, distant possibilities that may or may not come to pass.. I think of prom, then college, then maybe, eventually, marriage and/or kids.. I dream of the life we could live together, but I don't even know whether we will last a year... Hell, I don't even know exactly when we could say our relationship began...

I guess what I am trying to say is that I honestly don't know much about you, but I feel like you are the one I was meant to find. I feel like you are the one I am meant to love, but I don't know your story. I want to know, but I need a place to start. So I ask of you these things, in the hope that I might be able to better understand what it is that I love about you.

First, tell me of your childhood, tell me of your time in Louisiana, of your family before the split, of the events early on in your life. What memory do you remember the most from this time? Next, tell me of the move, why it was you and your mother, why your father stayed behind, why it was Dallas, and not someplace else. Tell me of the years in middle school, of the first time. Tell me of the frequency with which it occurred, tell me of the numbers of people, tell me of the best and the worst experiences. Then, tell me of the high school years, of the people, the experiences, the frequency. Then, tell me of Purvis, how you met, your alone time with him, tell me how inferior I am to his performance, to his attraction. Lastly, Tell me of our story, retell the story of the first time we met, retell the journey we took over this past year, tell me why it was that you let me try to find a barrier, tell me why it was that when I asked to meet, you said yes wholeheartedly, and tell me what it is about me that is attractive.

I hope that this will let me begin to understand, but I fear my skill with words can only go so far.. I fear that I am not strong enough to accept that my words are not enough to unlock to puzzle of why I fell so far in love with you. I thought I had fallen in love several times before, each time, a little more than the last, but this time, I fell from the apex of Mount Olympus to the depths of Tartarus. Now that I'm here, I need to find the solution, so that i may forge the blade that will destroy the evils of the world. Please help me, before I lose myself to the dark again...