The Seat She Should Have Sat In

You might not be your first love's first love, but that doesn't change what you feel for each other.

It’s warm out. Not a cloud in the sky. Is it fitting or wrong for the weather to be so nice?

They pull in to a cemetery she has never visited in a town she has driven through countless times. But this cemetery isn’t the only thing that has existed without her knowing.

The girl under the headstone, for example; she lived and died years before Maria would ever hear about her. She rode horses and played pretend. She had been her parents’ only girl, a little sister to one son and a big sister to two. Are you still a sister when you’re gone? Stupid question, of course you are.

They drive to the back of the cemetery, and Alex smiles saying, “Bet you can guess which one’s hers.”

“That one?”

“Yup.” He laughs.

Purple flowers and horse figurines cover her gravestone, which is also shaped like a horse. Horses were her thing. I guess purple was too; that explains why all the ladies in her family love the color so much. She would have been 17 today if she hadn’t fallen into the pond.

Alex isn’t crying as Maria expected. As a girl lucky enough to have never lost someone, all she knows about grief is the debilitating agony that she reads about in books. The kind that makes mothers never leave the house and stop caring for her children. The kind that makes people go quiet. The kind that makes people retreat into themselves; you know because you can see it in their eyes. But Alex doesn’t do that. Six years after her death, his eyes are dry as he smiles down at the granite stone, knowing he will see her again. Alex wanted Maria to come, since she’d never met Ally.

He kneels, leans a rose on her headstone, and stands up again. For the next forty minutes, he tells stories of the best friend he lost too soon. He laughs as he tells Maria about the games they’d play. She can’t help but smile when she hears how Ally hated to get dressed up and preferred to let her hair hang loose, unbrushed and wild. He doesn’t look sad at all. We’re at her grave and I’m closer to tears than he is. Months ago, she asked him how he can talk about his childhood sweetheart so easily.

“It’s been six years,” he said. “I’ve had time to get over it, and I know I’ll see her again.” He must really believe it, because his words are full of love and laughter but his eyes are dry as anything. Despite seeing how content Alex is, Maria still feels strangely out of place. Her nose burns, and she stares at a bumble bee buzzing around the countless purple flowers. I’m sorry this happened to you Ally. You should be here. With him. He’s so handsome, Ally. You would be lucky to be loved by him.

After a while, they head back to the car. Maria squirms in the passenger seat, where she should have sat. A young girl materializes in the back seat, visible to Maria in the reflection of the side view mirror. She’s in a white dress, and her long dark hair hangs beautifully over her shoulders.  Even with her unmistakably darker skin, she doesn’t look completely solid. Though she is only about a year younger than Maria, the girl has the face of eleven-year old Ally.

“Hello, Ally.”

“Hi , Maria.”

“I- I’m sorry… about what happened to you.”

“It can’t be changed now.”

“I wish it could. You should be here. You should be with him.”

 Alex takes her hand when he should have been taking her hand. “You’re quiet,” he says. She nods and stares out the window, knowing that looking into his eyes would betray the guilt she felt.

“Your hands, they fit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because I shouldn’t be here.”

“I want to show you something.”

Ally dark, dainty, not-completely-there hand reaches forward and gently touches Maria’s left shoulder. The two gilrls are suddenly standing beside an old white farmhouse with chipping paint and dirt all over it. “I’ve been here,” Maria says. “It’s your parents house. Er- your house.”Ally nods as she looks at the house. Then, her head slowly turns to a farther part of the yard. Maria hears little voices but sees nothing.

 Two children dart out from one of the bushes and Maria instantly recognizes two faces from numerous photos. Pointing at the children, Maria looks back at the girl in white. “That’s you! You and Alex!”

“Yup,” Ally laughs. “I was the master sergeant and he was the medic.”

“He’s said that.”

“Yeah, he would say I was bossy. I told him I just had good leadership skills.” They both laugh and, as Ally takes her hand back, return to the car. 

They were perfect for each other. Probably would have joined the military together.

“He wants to be a Marine, you know.”

“Still?” A moment passes. “Well, I’m not surprised. We loved playing army and stuff.”

Maria, on the other hand, couldn’t bear the thought of him leaving. Losing him. Like he lost her. She couldn’t imagine losing the one she pictured spending forever with like he had. It doesn’t matter how old she was when it happened; Alex had admitted to Maria that he would have likely been with Ally if she were still alive.

“I… I told him I don’t want him to go. He’s even told me that, if he hadn’t met me, he’d probably enlisted right now. Instead, he’s in college-”

“Seriously? You got him to go to school even longer?”

“He hates it.”

“I’m not surprised. But still. Wow, he does love you.”

“That’s what I’m told.”

“You okay?” Trees rush past in a blur. She can feel the slight concern in his eyes, though she refuses to look at them. But if she stays quiet, he’ll know something’s wrong.

“He’s not happy, though.”

“Yes he is.”

“You said so yourself, he hates school.”

“I also said he loves you. Oh, and you should probably answer him.”

“Yeah.” Dang it! Her voice cracked.

“Baby,” he says, and this time the concern is unmistakable. “Are you crying?”

“Look what you’ve done. Now he knows there’s something wrong.”

“Well, shouldn’t he?”

“No!”

“Why not?

“Because it’s going to make him feel bad and he doesn’t deserve to feel that.”

“And you do?”

“No.” Her voice cracks again as the tears, which she has held at bay, well up uncontrollably.

“Baby! Look at me.” She turns and sees his brows knit together. “What’s wrong?”

“What am I supposed to do now?”

“Ask him.”

“Nothing.”

“Maria.”

“Maria.”

“Watch the road.”

“Ask.”

“Maria?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Liar.”

“It’s obviously something,” he says.

“You’re not the kind of girl who cries over everything-”

“How do you know-”

“So it’s pointless to lie.”

“Fine, maybe you’re right, but how am I supposed to explain it?”

“I… I just…”

“Be honest.”

“Just say it, Baby.”

“Say it!”

“I don’t know how!”  

“Just,” his eyes go from the road to her and back again. “Say it!”

“Say it!”

 “She should have been here!”

“There.”

“What?”

“She should be sitting here holding your hand and riding with you.”

“Is that what you wanted from me?”

“It’s a start.”

“Ally?” Maria gives a quick nod, unable to speak around the lodge in her throat. “Baby…” he sighs.

“You guys were perfect for each other. You both loved the military, but I ask you not to go.”

“Keep going.”

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

“You both loved horses and playing outside, and I’m just not like that!”

“Baby it’s not your fault.”

“I know it’s not but… why do I get to be here and she doesn’t? You guys are like the classic story of childhood sweethearts, and then I come in to steal her place.”

“Maria! That’s not how it is at all-”

“You’ve even said you’d be with her if she were alive!”

“Yeah, maybe, but I can’t be sure. We were kids!”

“You would have.”

“Okay, yeah maybe but-”

“That’s why I’m crying.”

“But I’m still happy with you!”

“He is.”

“I know! And it’s not like I’m jealous or whatever- it’s not like that. It’s not like I’m glad she’s not here… I wish she was here. You guys deserved this future. I shouldn’t be here. It’s like I stole this from her.”

“But you didn’t! God took her-”

“Why-”

“I don’t know why, but He did! And He gave me you.” His hand, the one she feels guilty for even holding, gives hers a squeeze. “And I am so thankful that He did.” They’re quiet for a bit.

“Do you miss her?” Of course he does.

“Do you miss him?”

“Why would I? I’ve been watching him for years.”

“But don’t you ever wish you were…”

“Alive?”

“Do you ever imagine what it would’ve been like to be a teenager with her?”

“Sometimes,” he says quietly.

“Yeah…”

“Not really.”

“You love him don’t you?

“Of course. And I have had the extraordinary pleasure of watching him grow and fall in love with you. I think your love story is my favorite.”

 “Do you ever… do you ever wish she was here instead of me?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Because I want to know.”

“But why? What purpose would that serve?”

“Because… I need… If I knew…”

“You couldn’t bring me back. And would you really want to give him up?”

Instead of jealousy, Maria chokes on a guilt she did not earn, can hardly explain, and does not know how to escape from.

“I love him more than I thought I could ever love anybody. And because of that, I want him to be with the best girl for him.”

“Why can’t you be the best girl for him? Maria, you got him to go to college. You kept him here because he can’t imagine losing you anymore than you can fathom losing him.”

“After what happened to you, he worries about me. Constantly.”

“Of course he does. He’s strong, but he’s not superman. His love for me was the love from child to child. For you, it’s deeper. Losing you would be like pulling out a part of his own body. Of course he worries about you. You’re everything to him.”

He looks her square in the eyes -despite the fact that he’s steering a 2,000 pound vehicle down a country road at 65 miles per hour- and he says, “No.” He looks back at the road. “If I could go back, knowing what the future held, I wouldn’t change it. And I don’t think she would either.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Her death brought so many people together, and we don’t know what her future would have held. God took her for a reason.”

“Why did He take you?”

“I can’t tell you, and I think you know that.”

“So you haven’t ever wished you were dating her?”

“Not since I met you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How do you know what he’s thinking?”

“I know him. I know how his mind works.”

“Really.”

They pull into her driveway and she wipes her eyes. He shuts the car off and sits quietly. Still unable to look him in the eye, Maria leans over to put her head on his shoulder.

“Aaaand that’s my cue to leave.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need me anymore. You’ve got him. And you should listen to him. He wouldn’t lie to you.  Aside from the fact that he does love you, he’s also extremely transparent. You’d know if he was lying, Maria.”

The smell of his cologne calms her more than she thought any smell ever would, and his warm hand comes up to rest on her cheek. His fingers go to her chin and gently lifted until she’s looking into his warm, brown eyes.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“He does.” And, with that, Ally turns to leave and Maria realizes, for the first time, that Ally is now standing outside the car window.

“Thanks, Ally.” The girl in white smiles, turns, and disappears.

“I love you too.” And, though she will never completely lose the guilt she feels, Maria can’t help but melt into the lips of the boy who loves her more than she can fathom.