The Carousel

A short story I had to work on for a class. I was willing to create a gloomy dystopic atmosphere in this one.

The carousel. What a wonderful machine full of excitement spinning around on a horse or into a spaceship under a charming song. The carousel I am going to tell you about is very different. In a time not so far away and in a world not so different from ours, the carousel is a machine conceited by the most brilliant inventors to clone humans and create better self. It was built under the authority of an assembly of powerful leaders. During these times, heads of state were not the only decisive voice in terms of world governance; were invited chief executive officers and their board, young celebrities, and perhaps one or two scientists. “A revolutionary progress and an amazing improvement in our quest for good and better self” was the first declaration made during the press conference held after the agreement on building such a machine. 

A quest for good and better self: that is what Jon Deckard dreamed about all his existence. Jon was a miserable lonely man whose age we do not know. All his existence, he read about great adventures and journeys of figures who aimed at independence and great happiness. However, Jon never succeeded to reach such an ambition and had been unable to fund a family and to leave the dust of urban life. In fact, Jon did not remember his family and never crossed the frontiers of his city. He lived, like many others of his comrades, in a huge dirty block made of concrete and steel without any windows. Windows would have only given him to see the dark and rainy weather of the megacity. Everything was wet, messy and polluted. The authorities claimed it was because of years of bad governance that preceded them. Jon only saw the gloomy light of the outer world to work. Food, enjoyment, sports were possible and available inside your home through a machine called The Idle. I spoke of his job as his exclusive link to the outside system: he worked in a quarry of a mineral resource useful to the creation and the functioning of The Carousel. His situation would only been evanescent as the machine was soon ready, and he would be replaced by the first human clones to be created. This last at least for 2 years. The Carousel was a colossal, titanic and thrilling project. The panacea to all the greatest leaders’ worries and headaches. 

Under the highest tower, here lied the breathtaking machine. Numerous rooms, multiple computers, an immense and endlessly warehouse, a yellowish atmosphere: that characterized the Carousel. 

It was decided that there would be two kinds of clones: the workers and the exclusives. For our story, let’s focus on the exclusives. The exclusives were advertised, and you could buy them by a click from home. The first of this type were not that expensive as they were only prototype. They were symbols of expansion of liberty. For a man as desperate as Jon Deckard, it was the good deal. He spent his whole existence alone. He spent his whole existence thinking his alienation would be his fate. Now was the opportunity to escape his miserable life and waste the rest of it with someone like him. 

One cloudier night, in his tiny single room, all his savings went on this diabolical invention. The next day, he woke up in front of a box. “What’s in the box ?” he asked. He obviously realized it should be his double. His emotions were mixed between awe and dread. How would you feel if you had just bought a person that look just like you ? Jon Deckard stood in front of his doppelgänger, symbol of both his hope and despair. When he pushed that button on the back of the neck, a shiver filled his body. 

6 months had passed before a peculiar event occurred. Everything was doing just fine with Jon’s clone until one night Jon could not turn it off. He thought it would be an isolated issue and left the device activated. The next morning, he found the wide-opened black eyes �" starring at him. Moreover, he saw that drawers had been opened as if something was to find. The first thing Jon did is trying to turn the clone off. Without even resisting, the clone shut his eyes. He felt relief. At this moment, Jon knew what the clone was capable of. The angst of living with uncertain motives increased. Did the fundamental need of being with someone prevailed doubt and terror of the unknown ? Jon had to sacrifice the only enjoyable element he had.

A few days later, Jon claimed a refund action. Unfortunately, the system required to bring the clone directly at The Carousel location. He had to wander outside, under a light rain and heavy grey clouds. The tallest building of all rose before his eyes. The building of all the sins. He entered the mass of steel with the box. Long and deserted was their path to The Carousel. The yellow lights were blinking. Downstairs, he found himself standing in front of the machine. There were no living souls ; only him, the clone, the glitter of the computers, and the colossal creation, spinning around with the song of death. He left the box behind him to admire the beauty made by the men, made by him. All these pieces of plastic and steel conceived and assembled, all these works coming to life. A deep warmness filled his heart; maybe his duty was to contribute to the greatest project of good and better self. He realized that this deep warmness started to flood on his ordinary clothes. Flood as blood. Behind him stood the symbol of his hope, stabbing the chest of his. He built that machine �" it killed him. 

His corpse lied on the asphalt ground. In the yellowish darkness, the dreadful machine full of hopelessness kept inhumanity alive.

Author's Note

I'm still learning a lot of particularities of the language of Shakespeare, so please be tolerant on mistakes that I probably made. The story seems to me a bit rushed; I had a small amount of time to write it. My teacher hasn't given it a mark yet, so I would appreciate some different views on it.
If you could just read it, that would be huge, and I thank you for that.

Reviews

[JayG]

• The carousel. What a wonderful machine full of excitement spinning around on a horse or into a spaceship under a charming song. The carousel I am going to tell you about is very different.

The problem you face is unrelated to language. It’s that you’re trying to use the techniques of verbal storytelling in a medium that reproduces neither sound nor picture. Verbal storytelling is a performance art, where how you tell the story matters as much as what you say. Pull the performance out of it it, and the reader has a storyteller’s script without performance directions. They have only punctuation to suggest how to read a line that you, knowing the story, already hear in your own voice as you read.

About half of new writers elect to try writing that way. The rest use the book-report writing skills we’re given in school. They have to, because no one tells us that we learn only nonfiction writing skills in school because that’s what employers need. Professions, like Fiction-Writing, are acquired in addition to our schoolday skills.

The good news is that your teacher probably doesn’t know that either, and is probably looking more at your English skills than your knowledge of the skills the professionals take for granted.

Looked at in that way, you’re doing pretty well.

If writing fiction is something you would like to do, in English or French, you need to pick up the specialized knowledge and techniques.

For what it may be worth, the articles in my writing blog are meant to give an overview of the major differences between fiction and nonfiction. I’m sure the libraries in your town have a fiction-writing section, which can be a huge resource.

Sorry my news isn’t better.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/