Truth, Treachery, and Tomfoolery

A young woman will go on the journey of a lifetime as she discovers the value of truth, the consequences of treachery, and the joy of tomfoolery.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

AT RISE: The setting is a dingy, dimly lit prison cell with a ragged looking woman sitting in its corner. It is late in the night, as the full moon casting pale waves of white light across the stone floor of the prison could indicate. The cell is lacking any furniture, save a bucket in the corner and a bed chained to the wall. The woman has her knees hugged to her chest, looking quite pitiful as she gives an upward glance at the iron door every so often. On the woman’s wrists are a pair of wooden stocks with a large, iron lock holding them shut. Eventually, she sighs, allowing herself to sprawl out as a contemptuous look forms on her face.

DUPLICITY: I thought he would be here by now. I’ve spent far too long in this wretched backwoods hovel, and I wish to spend no time further! (She stands.) Just a week ago I was a queen of the crime syndicate. No fool dared challenge my power! And now look at me! Dirty, starving, and without a single coin to my name. (She sighs.) I pray those two come through. They’re the only hope I have of escaping the noose, but it’s been three days since I’ve seen either hide or hair of them! (She steps to the wall and stares out the window.) I swear that if somebody doesn’t--

She is interrupted by the loud, clanking sound of metal on stone. DUPLICITY swiftly returns to her pitiful position on the floor, peeking up at the door as the sound comes closer. Three heavy knocks come in succession against  the iron door.

DUPLICITY: C-Come in? 

A large knight clad in glittering, silvery armor carrying a large club over their shoulder appears in the door frame. 

ERNEST: (A long series of muffled, incoherent words are spoken with absolute confidence by the knight.)

DUPLICITY: Riiiight, no matter. Thank you, my dear hero, you must free me from this terrible prison before those beasts return to hang me! 

ERNEST: (Begins to speak another muffled speech.) 

DUPLICITY: I get it! (Her patience is obviously wearing thin.) May we please make our escape now? 

With a nod, ERNEST takes her by the hand, and the two flee the prison, passing by several unconscious guards with large knots on the tops of their heads as they do so. 

A large wooden coach with a lantern hanging on either side is resting outside of the building in which the two are preparing to flee from. The vehicle has obviously seen its share of adventures and experiences, as many cracks, cuts, splinters, and several other various forms of damage and deterioration would illustrate. A large burlap sack is stowed underneath the driver’s seat, drawn shut with a scrap of twine. Inside of the coach--where the patrons would typically ride--is stuffed to the brim with various baubles and bric-a-brac that completely halt any possibility of riding inside. The duo rush outside through an open door, ERNEST still dragging DUPLICITY by the hand. ERNEST loudly mumbles and points to the passenger seat, then ascends to the driver’s seat. DUPLICITY takes her place in the passenger seat. With a crack of the reins, the wagon begins moving forward and away from the stony prison. After a few moments on the road, in which the scenery becomes all woodlands, DUPLICITY noticeably relaxes and turns toward ERNEST.

DUPLICITY: I must say, my dear fellow, you are quite the adventurer for hire, if I do say so myself. Being able to melee with an entire prison’s worth of guards is no small feat. Especially while donning such heavy armor! Though it is quite a pity we were unable to liberate the key for these stocks before we made our escape. 

In response to this, ERNEST puts up a finger to stop her, takes hold of the visor of the helmet, and lifts it to reveal two facts: ERNEST is a woman, and between ERNEST’s teeth, she has the key.

ERNEST: (She speaks in a loud, high-pitched, and obviously-from-the-country voice.) Sorry for the spit, but I ain’t got any pockets on this thing. (She unlocks DUPLICITY’s stocks, then casts them from the coach.)

DUPLICITY: Oh, um, you are a--

ERNEST: Knight? I know, I know, it’s pretty impressive. 

DUPLICITY: Well, no, I was going to say--

ERNEST: Well, if I’m bein’ truthful, this armor is my daddy’s. 

DUPLICITY: Indeed, but--

ERNEST: But I’m just as good! Although, I’m not technically an official--

DUPLICITY: (Her temper flares.) Woman! You. Are. A. Woman.

ERNEST: You’re speakin’ the truth, but what of it?

DUPLICITY:  Well, this is just...odd to me that you are not a man, but I will not look a gift horse in the mouth.

ERNEST: Yeah, that’s how ya get bit. Speaking from experience on that one. Ya wanna see the scar?

DUPLICITY: I’d rather not. I trust you’ve been informed of my tragic situation? 

ERNEST: Of course! I heard they hadn’t fed you yet, you must be starving!

DUPLICITY: (A brief pause as she slaps the palm of her hand to her face, then, with a deep breath, attempts to compose herself.) No, I’m afraid I’m referring to a more important matter. 

ERNEST: There is no such thing.

DUPLICITY: (She continues in as polite a voice she can muster.) No, my hero, I’m speaking of my capture. You see, I am the princess of Glendove, and these foul men have kidnapped and imprisoned me! For no reason other than cruelty!

ERNEST: Glendove? That’s a whole…(ERNEST counts on all of her fingers at least twice before answering, mumbling to herself the entire time.) two days away!

DUPLICITY: Exactly! These terrible monsters have drug me from my home in the shroud of the night and placed me in this miserable cesspool of a country!

ERNEST: Um, I live here. 

DUPLICITY: As I said, it is a wonderful place, but not my home, you see. That’s why I need you to--

ERNEST: So you’re wantin’ me to take you home!

DUPLICITY: Exactly! Yes! I find it odd you were unaware of the situation. I thought you were given instructions by the members of my guild--I mean my friends! My dear friends were supposed to illustrate the tale of my kidnapping to you.

ERNEST: Ohh! So that’s what that was! (She produces a piece of paper from the bag under her seat and hands it to DUPLICITY.) Ya see, the problem with that was that I can’t read, so, I just asked where to go and who to help. You’re the right person, right? I really hope I didn’t blunder this job too.

DUPLICITY takes a long, hard look at the paper as she reads it, and then turns and gives ERNEST a large smile. 

DUPLICITY: Of course I am, Ernast! 

ERNEST: It’s actually Ernest. 

DUPLICITY: And what a beautiful name it is for such a...muscular young lady such as yourself. 

ERNEST: Thank you! I get it from my father...well, I got it from my father. 

DUPLICITY: You speak of him in the past tense? 

ERNEST: (She is silent for a moment, but shrugs it off quite quickly.) Alright, so, what’s on my mind is dinner. We need to get something in that belly of yours as soon as possible.

DUPLICITY: Oh, no, it’s no reason to stop, I am feeling quite alright. Let’s keep moving, please.

ERNEST: Nonsense! I know a great spot to set up camp for the night! And this’ll give me a chance to try a new recipe of mine! You’re gonna love it, I’m sure!

DUPLICITY: Oh, that fact is up for debate.

DUPLICITY releases yet another large sigh as ERNEST continues to blather for the remainder of the scene.

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

AT RISE: Later that evening, the two are gathered around a campfire; the coach is resting in the background. The faint chirping of crickets and other various evening ambiances are echoing all throughout the forest. ERNEST is laying a large pile of logs by her feet as she takes a seat across from DUPLICITY. Between them is a low, smoldering fire which ERNEST tosses one of the logs into. Above the fire is a black iron pot which ERNEST opens and dunks a ladle into. She fills two bowls, then hands one to DUPLICITY, who reluctantly takes it from her. She takes the other for herself.

DUPLICITY: Oh, um, thank you. 

ERNEST: You’re welcome! (She takes a large drink from the bowl, empties half of its contents in one gulp, then gives a loud sigh of appreciation.)

DUPLICITY takes a small sip from the bowl, finding herself surprisingly pleased by the brownish stew. 

DUPLICITY: This is...actually quite nice. It reminds of a dish some partners--servants of mine used to make.

ERNEST: Oh, it’s my daddy’s recipe! He was the best cook in the whole country! You can ask anybody! Oh, and the best fighter too! Not even a whole army coulda stopped him! He even took on a bear once! Well, they said he did, but I wasn’t there, but I’m sure it happened!

DUPLICITY: He sounds like quite the extraordinary man. 

ERNEST: You bet! He’s actually the reason I got into adventuring. 

DUPLICITY: I thought you said he was a knight. Quite different from an adventurer, is it not? 

ERNEST: Well, yeah, but I tried to be a knight. They wouldn’t let me on the count of my being a female and whatnot. But my daddy always reminded me it didn’t matter who you were; it mattered what you did. So, I decided to help others. Like yourself, whom I just saved from starving to death. 

DUPLICITY: Hm, quite the ideal to live by, but what about you? Don’t you want to be the one gaining? Why risk yourself for others when they wouldn’t do the same for you?

ERNEST: Ya know, I used to think the same thing, but when mamma and me were all alone with nothing but the shack and a few pieces of gold, everybody my daddy ever helped came back to lend us a hand. And while they were giving us everything they could, I noticed somethin’; they looked scared. I saw that they needed somebody like my father to watch out for 'em, so, I decided to step up and take his place. And ever since then, I been takin’ jobs all around the country! I’m there for whoever needs me, whenever they need me! That’s Ernest the Knight for ya!

DUPLICITY: I must admit, that is quite noble of you, Ernest. But...what if...what if you are not a good person? I’m speaking from my imagination of course, but what about those who have done things in the past that were...cruel to others? What about the criminals who have stolen things, or even killed people? What do you think about them?

ERNEST: I do declare that there are quite a gaggle of nasty people around here and just about everywhere else, but they ain’t all bad. And those who are, well, they ain’t too bad neither. 

DUPLICITY: Your logic confuses me, friend.

ERNEST: What I mean is that even when you do bad things, you ain’t a bad person. I think you’re just a good person doin’ things in reverse, if ya get my meaning. But what would a princess need with that kinda hoopla? Call it a knight’s intuition, but I can already see that you’re one of the good ones.

DUPLICITY seems genuinely shocked and almost angry by what ERNEST says.

DUPLICITY: Oh, really? What would you know? You know nothing about me! You just met me!

ERNEST: Ya see, here’s the thing. I may not be the brightest tool in the shed, but I know people real well, and I get the impression that you’re one of the good ones. I can’t explain it, really, it’s just one of those gut feelings I get.

DUPLICITY: And how often are your feelings wrong? 

ERNEST: (She gives a loud yawn.) Well, this’d be the first time so far. For instance, I feel like I need some sleep. (She rolls over onto her side.) Goodnight, princess.

DUPLICITY: To you as well. 

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

AT RISE: Even later that night, as ERNEST snores quite audibly in the background, DUPLICITY is seen standing at the edge of the campsite, searching for somebody. The camp fire has been completely snuffed out, leaving nothing but embers and ashes. All is silent; even the crickets and other various nocturnal animals have gone mute. Two men in black cloaks suddenly approach. DUPLICITY storms over to them.

DUPLICITY: You bloody idiots! (She cracks the closest one on top of the head with her balled fist.) I was five minutes away from dangling by a rope before this fool showed up! You’re lucky. If she had came any later, the two of you would have had an angry specter on your hands for all eternity. And I promise you I would be even more cruel in the afterlife!

CLOAKED MAN #1: Apologies, Duplicity, she was the only person we could find to take the job in time. I suppose we should have hastened. 

DUPLICITY: You’ve got that right! You know this woman can’t even read, correct? As far as she knew, she could have been rescuing anybody in that hayseed prison! Fortune has not completely abandoned us, it seems.

CLOAKED MAN #2: So, what should we do with her? Should we go ahead and get it over with? 

DUPLICITY: No. If you kill her this near to her home, investigations will happen and eventually we’ll be found and hung all over again. No, let her take me to the border before they kill her. That way I can make my escape before anybody starts skulking around.

CLOAKED MAN #1: Um, they? 

DUPLICITY: Well, obviously we must hire assassins, you dolt. Did you think I’d trust the job to you? No, this woman is formidable, and professionals must do the job if we wish to get out of this unscathed. Listen close, men. I’d like you to ride ahead to the closest town, then find and employ the best assassins you can on such short notice and such meager allowance. I don’t care from what guild or faction; this is no time to show loyalty.

CLOAKED MAN #2: Yes, ma’am, we’ll act as swiftly as we can.

DUPLICITY: Good, now, leave before she wakes. Lord, spare me. I must spend an entire day on the road with her. Once you’ve got the job done, return and follow us in shadow, but don’t parley with me until nightfall after she has fallen asleep.

The two men flee the scene as DUPLICITY returns to the campfire and fixes herself a place to sleep.

END OF ACT ONE.

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

AT RISE: It is mid-morning. The two women have returned to the coach and are riding down a dirt road that is surrounded on both sides by a maze of forest. ERNEST has taken her helmet off and placed it by her feet so that she can communicate easily with DUPLICITY. DUPLICITY is leaning forward with her head in her hands, barely listening.

ERNEST: So, there I was in the middle of town, wearing nothin’ but a smile, and it’s at that moment I realize it was raining. Lemme tell ya, paper clothes were not my best idea. Although that’s how I did find out that the butcher had a crush on me. Oh, that reminds me--

DUPLICITY: (She suddenly pops up.) I have an idea!

ERNEST: Well, don’t hog it to yourself, share it! 

DUPLICITY: I’ve concocted this wonderful new idea for a game. It is called the game of silence.

ERNEST: Ooh, sounds interesting. Might I ask the stipulations of this here game? 

DUPLICITY: Of course! You see, the only way to be victorious in this game is to be the one who goes the longest without speaking. Challenging, I know, but I believe you could be a worthy adversary. Shall we begin? Of course we shall. (DUPLICITY then sits back, sighing in relief as she is given at least a few seconds of peace.)

ERNEST is obviously struggling with the game, and is quite visibly having to force herself to not speak through a variety of strategies, much to the amusement of DUPLICITY. After about a minute, she bursts out with an incoherent, hasty string of sentences that not even the audience is able to translate. 

DUPLICITY: Well, it was nice while it lasted. 

Before the conversation can continue, a large rock is struck by the front wheel, sending the coach upwards, and with it, the two women, who have to hold on to their seats to prevent being tossed to the ground. After a few seconds of rolling forward with obvious damage, the coach comes to a creaking halt. ERNEST drops the reins to hop from the driver’s seat to inspect the damage. DUPLICITY follows in suit.

ERNEST: Ah, dang it! (ERNEST is walking in circles around the coach, bending down to inspect every inch of it.)

DUPLICITY: (Obviously worried.) This won’t be a problem, will it? You can fix it, right!?

ERNEST: Hmm, well, maybe. I’ll have to give her a once-over. Maybe a twice-over. 

DUPLICITY: Just do whatever you have to! Being out in the open isn’t quite...um, comfortable for a lady such as myself.

ERNEST: I’m on it, my lady! Just keep calm. (ERNEST saunters over to the other side of the coach and out of sight of the audience.)

DUPLICITY sighs and has a seat on the large wooden wheel of the coach, taking a look around and performing several other idle tasks without realizing that two bandits are approaching her. The first man performs a pantomime by attempting to silently illustrate his plan to the other through a variety of hand signs and gestures such as using his index and middle finger to insinuate sneaking up on DUPLICITY and then dragging his finger across his throat. 

BANDIT #2: What? 

DUPLICITY is startled, coming to her feet and backing away from the two. BANDIT #1 slaps BANDIT #2, then draws a ridiculously curved dagger and approaches DUPLICITY. 

BANDIT #1: Shh, shh, it’s okay! We’re not gonna hurt ya. 

BANDIT #2: But, wait, what was the whole ‘finger across the throat’ thing for, then?

BANDIT #1: Please, please be quiet. 

DUPLICITY: Stay away from me! I have nothing for you to steal, you scrounger!

BANDIT #1: This wagon seems to calls you a liar.

DUPLICITY: It’s not even mine!

Meanwhile, ERNEST is meandering around the coach to stand behind the two bandits. 

BANDIT #2: Well, then whose is it? 

ERNEST: That’d be mine, friend. 

The two bandits leap back in fear as they turn to see the gargantuan woman behind them. BANDIT #2 clings to BANDIT #1’s arm, but he angrily shoves him off.

ERNEST: And I’ll have to ask you to leave this poor young lady alone before I have to intervene. I’ll warn you, I’m a pacifist, but I’m not very good at it.

BANDIT #1: Oh, yeah? Well, me neither! 

BANDIT #1 rushes forward, slashing ERNEST across the face with the dagger, which causes DUPLICITY to shriek in surprise and fear. After stumbling backward, clutching her cheek, ERNEST grasps the man by the wrist and struggles with him as he attempts to dig the dagger into her throat. BANDIT #2 targets DUPLICITY by lunging at her. He grabs her by the shoulders with both hands, but DUPLICITY swiftly pokes him in the eyes, then trips him. While he attempts to stand, DUPLICITY ascends the carriage, grabs ERNEST’s club, and then cracks the man on top of the head with it, dropping him back to the floor and momentarily incapacitating him. Meanwhile, ERNEST’s struggles come to an end as BANDIT #1 leaps back, attempts to stab her in the chest plate of her armor, but quickly realizes how bad of an idea that was as ERNEST then knocks the blade out of his hand, grabs him by the shoulder, and quite literally tosses him away from the coach. When he lands, BANDIT #1 scurries to his feet and flees the scene. By this time, BANDIT #2 is crawling away from the scene as quickly as he can in pursuit of his compatriot. DUPLICITY gives him a swift kick in the backside as he does so.

ERNEST: And don’t come back now, ya hear! Phew, that was troublesome, wasn’t it? 

DUPLICITY is simply staring at ERNEST in shock. 

ERNEST: What, is it something on my face? 

DUPLICITY: (With genuine appreciation in her voice) Why would you do that? 

ERNEST: What? Not wear my helmet? Well, it’s hard to breathe in it and--

DUPLICITY: No, I mean, why did you risk your life to protect me? Nobody has ever done that for me before, Ernest. I’ve...I’ve always had to protect myself.

ERNEST: Oh, that? That’s no big deal. (ERNEST begins walking back around the wagon, but DUPLICITY places a hand on her shoulder to stop her.)

DUPLICITY: Yes, it is! It’s the most kindness anybody has ever shown me! 

ERNEST: Psh, I’m sure you woulda done the same for me! (Continues to behind the coach.)

DUPLICITY allows her hand to slowly fall by her side as she lowers her head to the ground. 

DUPLICITY: (Softly.) You’re wrong. 

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

AT RISE: The wagon has been repaired, and the two women are back on the road. It is late in the evening; an orange sky with the occasional cloud dotting the expanse is the backdrop. DUPLICITY seems to be much more lively than she was earlier. She is actually listening to ERNEST’s stories and even sharing a few of her own.

DUPLICITY: I don’t know, Ernest, it’s kind of embarrassing to talk about. 

ERNEST: Pleeease! Listen, if you tell me, I’ll let you have one of my treasures. 

DUPLICITY: Your treasures? 

ERNEST: Sure does sound interesting, doesn’t it? Too bad you’ll never know unless you tell me.

DUPLICITY: (Gives a light chuckle.) Okay, okay. So--and this happened when I was young, so, don’t mock me for it--I was down by the river with this boy who lived down the lane.

ERNEST: I’m liking where it’s going already. 

DUPLICITY: Well, he was a farm boy, you know, big, strong, and just handsome enough to get over the fact that he had to hold up his fingers every time he needed to remember left and right. Anyway, so we were mingling underneath an oak tree, and he decides to kiss me. I close my eyes, and I give him free reign for a little while, but all of a sudden, there’s a momentary pause, and just before I open my eyes, I feel him start kissing me again, but it feels slightly different, rougher, if you will. Well, it’s not until a whole minute later I tell him to stop and opened my eyes to realize that he had left to tend to the cattle while his sheep dog had sat himself by me and taken over his job for him. 

ERNEST bursts out in howling laughter. DUPLICITY is obviously embarrassed by her story, but still smiling.

ERNEST: Shoo, hadn’t laughed that hard since last Christmas with my uncle. Alright, as promised… (ERNEST bends down to reach into her bag and retrieves a beautiful golden necklace with a small ruby attached to it.) here ya go!

DUPLICITY gingerly takes hold of the necklace, inspecting it with a scrutinizing eye. 

DUPLICITY: Ernest, this is absolutely gorgeous!

ERNEST: Well, I don’t call ‘em treasures for nothin’. 

DUPLICITY: I simply can’t take this from you! This must have cost you a fortune!

ERNEST: Oh, go ahead. I got that as a payment for some heroin’ work I did a long time ago. It's just been collectin’ dust in my bag. Besides, stories are the real treasure, anyway.

DUPLICITY: What do you mean by that? 

ERNEST: Alright, I’m gonna tell ya a little secret. Stories are worth more than any pile of gold to me. Gold doesn’t last forever, friend, but stories do. And I like to think of myself as a collector of them. Stories let me know a little somethin’ about everybody, and that gets me a little closer to them. Just now, you let me get a little closer to you, whether ya know it or not. And that right there? Well, that’s the best treasure a gal could find.

DUPLICITY takes a moment to soak in her surprisingly wise words, gently clasping the necklace around her neck as she does so.  

DUPLICITY: Well, Ernest, with all the stories you’ve shared with me, I suppose I should find myself in the town square of your heart.

ERNEST: Trust me, you’re renting a townhouse and everything. 

DUPLICITY: Well, let’s hope I don’t get evicted, then. 

ERNEST: I wouldn’t worry about that anytime soon. The landlord seems to have taken a liking to ya. 

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

AT RISE: The two women are once again gathered around the campfire, the only difference in this night and the one before being the fact that in place of a black pot are several skewers adorned with unidentifiable cuts of meat. ERNEST is standing over the fire, judging whether the skewers are done cooking while DUPLICITY patiently waits. 

DUPLICITY: You know, Ernest, I’ve had many splendid meals in my day, but your rustic concoctions are able to stand with the best of them. 

ERNEST: Yep! They’ll grow on ya the more ya eat them. Like a fungus! Just try city food after this; you won’t wanna bite of it. 

DUPLICITY gives an amused laugh.

DUPLICITY: I’ll have to challenge that when I get the chance. 

ERNEST lifts two of the wooden skewers from the fire and crosses over to sit beside DUPLICITY.

ERNEST: Here you are. 

DUPLICITY: Why, thank you. 

She takes a gentle bite of the meat, savoring it for a moment before she continues. ERNEST, on the other hand, simply slides the meat off with her teeth and devours it, making an almost feral sound as she does so.

DUPLICITY: I’ve never seen a chef enjoy their own cooking more than those they serve.

ERNEST:  (She speaks through a mouth full of food.) How could I not? (She swallows.) It’s just too darn good! (There’s a brief, contemplative pause.) Ya know, I could teach you to cook like this.

DUPLICITY: Oh, really? To be honest, I’ve tried my hand at it a couple times, but nothing too appetizing has ever been the result.

ERNEST: That’s probably because them city types don’t know how to cook. And I’d say double goes for those royal chefs. They’re always tryin’ to put all these fancy spices and herbs from all around the world in their food, but all ya need is the basics. Fancy doesn’t always mean better. Always remember that. 

DUPLICITY: I think you’re the living embodiment of that motto. 

ERNEST takes another skewer and slides the meat off and into her mouth. 

ERNEST: Ya got that right! 

The two laugh for a moment before DUPLICITY suddenly dons a serious look. A few uncomfortable, fluttering moments go by as the tension in the air becomes quite palpable. ERNEST stops mid-way through chewing to turn and see the disturbed look on DUPLICITY’s face grow with every passing second.

DUPLICITY: You know, Ernest, earlier today, when those bandits tried to rob us, I honestly thought for a moment I was going to die. 

ERNEST nearly chokes on her food, falling into a violent coughing fit. Duplicity pats her on the back until her fit finally settles.

ERNEST: Do what? Die!? I’d never let you die! Good grief! What kind of knight would I be if I didn’t protect a princess! That’s, like, the first rule of chivalry!

DUPLICITY:  I know that, but when he pulled that dagger out, my whole life flashed before my very eyes. I thought of my father, of my home, and to be honest, even of you.

ERNEST: Well, consider me flattered.

DUPLICITY: I’ve had to protect myself before, but this...it truly horrified me. 

ERNEST: Well, I’d say so! It was a scary situation.



DUPLICITY: (Obviously distraught.) No, you don’t understand! (She turns and places her hands on both of ERNEST’s shoulders.) This could have been it for me! Just...poof! My whole life over in a flash! Everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve ever believed in! I…(She lowers her head and crosses her arms, refusing to make eye contact with ERNEST. Then she speaks in not much more than a soft whimper.) I’m scared, Ernest. 

ERNEST: (She wraps her large arm around DUPLICITY’s shoulders and pulls her close.) Well, there’s no need to worry about that, princess. I will do my absolute best to uphold your safety at all costs. You can count on that. 

DUPLICITY: I don’t doubt your conviction, Ernest, but sometimes, thing simply fall out of anybody’s control. What do you do then? (She subtly wipes away a tear; ERNEST does not notice.) What do you do when your problems simply outgrow you? When they become too big to fight and too numerous to flee from?

With her free hand, ERNEST scratches the back of her head as she passes the thought back and forth in her head for a few seconds.

ERNEST: Well, at that point, I guess you just make the best of it? 

DUPLICITY: Make the best of it, huh…(She takes hold of ERNEST’s arm and leans into her embrace.)

ERNEST: I reckon. 

DUPLICITY: Well...I pray that fate remains as kind a lady as you are, Ernest.



ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

AT RISE: The early stages of dawn are breaking. Songbirds are sweetly singing as the sun rises, bees are buzzing, and two bandits from the day before are approaching the campsite. While the two women are sleeping, the two bandits are slowly wheeling in a large cart by hand. BANDIT #2 is pulling, while BANDIT #1 is shushing him and urging him to be quiet. As they pull up beside the coach, the second bandit lays the cart down and proceeds to assist the first with raiding the contents of the carriage’s passenger compartment. This goes on for a short time. As they pilfer the last crate of assorted items from the carriage, BANDIT #2 trips with the crate, making a large amount of noise as its contents rattle and spill out of the accidentally opened top. BANDIT #2 hastily tries to scoop the items back into the crate before slamming it onto the cart and fleeing. BANDIT #1 assists by pushing the back of the cart as they escape as quickly as possible. This commotion causes ERNEST And DUPLICITY to begin stirring just as the bandits are going out of sight. DUPLICITY spots the empty coach first. 

DUPLICITY: Ernest, Ernest, wake up! 

ERNEST waves her off, rolling over and away from DUPLICITY.  She rolls her eyes, then begins to vigorously shake ERNEST’s shoulder until she finally acknowledges her. 

ERNEST: Yeah? What’s wrong? 

DUPLICITY: Just look! 

ERNEST groggily sits up, rubbing her eyes as she does so. 

ERNEST: I don’t--ah, dang it! My stuff done went and got stolen! 

ERNEST comes to her feet, jogs over to the coach, and pops her head into the compartment, surveying it for a few moments before stepping away and kicking the dirt. 

ERNEST: Oh, confound it, they got everything! They even stole my food! (She sighs, then slouches.)

DUPLICITY: I’m sorry, Ernest. Was there anything of vital importance in there? 

ERNEST: (Melancholic.) Eh, nothin’ that can’t be replaced. ‘Cept my spoon collection. Doubt I’ll be gettin’ that back. (She gives another long, disappointed sigh.) Well, I guess we better be gettin’ back on the road. 

DUPLICITY: Now, hold on! That just doesn’t sit right with me, Ernest.

ERNEST: Well, what’s done is done, I guess. Ain’t no changin’ it now. 

DUPLICITY: Now, you may think that way, but there’s a saying in my guild: “What is stolen on your watch must be replaced on your watch.” 

ERNEST: Wow...but, wait, you’re in a guild? 

DUPLICITY: Umm...yes, a princess guild. A guild of princesses, very exclusive. It’s a well-kept secret, so, consider yourself lucky to know about it. 

ERNEST: Well, I already considered myself lucky, but now I consider myself even luckier!

DUPLICITY: Alright, now, we need to devise a plan to replenish your stock of...what exactly was in there?

ERNEST: Oh, you know, the essentials and whatnot. 

DUPLICITY: Like...your spoon collection?

ERNEST: Of course! I was gonna show you when I got the chance, but I done lost it now. 

DUPLICITY: Alright, well, what else have you lost? 

ERNEST: (She puts a hand on her chin, as if stroking a non-existent beard while she thinks.) Well, let’s see. (ERNEST begins counting on her fingers.) There’s my driftwood collection, my crate full of bear bones, my handmade bowls, my barrel of rat wood wine--no need to replace that though; that stuff was nasty.

DUPLICITY: Anything else of importance? 

ERNEST: Some odds and ends here and there, plus my food and kitchenware of course. 

DUPLICITY: Well, don’t you worry, I’ll pay you back and then some. 

ERNEST: Ooh, are you gonna use your princess treasures?

DUPLICITY: No, I plan to use more...common means of acquiring wealth.

ERNEST: How ya gonna do that? 

DUPLICITY: Just wait and see, my friend, just wait and see. 

DUPLICITY leads the way to the coach while ERNEST follows.

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE

AT RISE: The duo are entering the common room of a modestly furnished inn. The entire floor is lit by four windows, two beside the entrance the duo are entering from on the western side, and two by the exit on the eastern side. To the right of the exit is a door with the word ‘kitchen’ on a plaque above it. Stretching across the middle expanse of the room is a long reception counter with a silver bell resting in the center. There is no attendant behind the desk, but behind the counter, the audience can see a shut door with a sign on it that implores nobody to bother him. Past the counter are a number of tables spread out across the room, many of which have empty bottles or dirty plates on them, but only one of them has any people gathered around it. Three men are playing cards, one of which is smoking. None of the three look to be of the same background; the one closest to the exit is a scrawny man clad in the vestments of a peasant. He is quite jumpy, and his hands shake quite violently as he attempts to play. Seated to his left is the man smoking; he looks to be a mercenary, as he lets a long pike rest against his shoulder while he flips through his cards. Located next to him, closest to DUPLICITY and ERNEST, is a nobleman donning a purple surcoat with a scowl on his face. There is an empty chair between the NOBLE and the MERCENARY. DUPLICITY steps across the scene with swagger, then taps the NOBLE on his shoulder. 

NOBLE: (He fails to acknowledge DUPLICITY.) Well, that might be true, but I’ll have you watch your tone, soldier. I have quite the investment in this inn and I could have you tossed into the street if I wanted to.

DUPLICITY taps him on the shoulder again, which he simply waves off and ignores her again. DUPLICITY turns to ERNEST, gesturing for her to give it a try. With a rough hand, ERNEST slaps the man on the shoulder, forcing him to yelp and begin spinning around to face the large woman. 

NOBLE: (Furiously, then meekly as he realizes who he is talking to.) What do you...want? 

DUPLICITY: (From behind ERNEST.) Excuse me, good sir, but I would like to join your game.

The NOBLE attempts to face DUPLICITY by hooking his head around ERNEST to the left, but DUPLICITY hooks her head around in the same manner to the right, then the two switch off, once again failing to make eye contact. This goes on for a few moments before ERNEST finally steps aside. 

NOBLE: Well, I’ve never heard of a wench wanting to gamble before. But then again, what would be the point? This is a game for men, my dear, I don’t believe it would be your fancy. Perhaps you could meander to the kitchen and assist the chef.  

DUPLICITY approaches him, leaving only inches between them as she stares down at him, glaring daggers sharp enough to leave wounds. The NOBLE is obviously quite intimidated by the show of resolve.

DUPLICITY: For your information, you dolt, I am quite clueless in the kitchen, but at the card table, I am more than adept. 

NOBLE: (Clears his throat with a cough, then steps away from DUPLICITY.) Well, even if you do possess the skills you do claim to have, the matter of payment is quite prominent. If you can’t tell, the stakes are quite high. 

DUPLICITY looks past him at the shuddering PEASANT. 

DUPLICITY: Really, now? He is able to keep up with these high stakes of yours? 

NOBLE: (Turns to see him as well.) Oh, yes, him. Well, as foolish as it is, after his gold runs out, he’s actually betting his entire estate on this little game, as minuscule as the place is. I suppose he’s so nervous because he only has so much time before that beast of a wife of his comes searching for him and finds out about his unsavory activities. (He finishes with quite the snobbish fit of laughter.)

DUPLICITY: I see, well, I promise you that we are able to compensate for my losses. I’ll just have you take up the arrears with my associate over there. (Points over her shoulder with her thumb at ERNEST, who happily waves.)

NOBLE: I see. Well--

Before he can finish, DUPLICITY walks past him and seats herself in the empty chair at the table. ERNEST stands behind her. As the NOBLE returns to the table, the game begins. 

MERCENARY: (In a gruff, gravelly voice.) Alright, the game is Henry’s Court; I suppose you know the rules since you’re so confident.

DUPLICITY: (With a sultry laugh.) Oh, don’t worry, friend, I’m more than acquainted with the rules. (She says, putting special emphasis on the word “acquainted.”)

MERCENARY: (Clears his throat, then speaks.) Well, um, good luck to ya, then.

The MERCENARY deals three cards to each member at the table, then takes a moment to survey his cards. ERNEST is excitedly peeking over DUPLICITY’s shoulder to see her hand. There is a moment of silence before the NOBLE gives a boisterous laugh.

NOBLE: Well, my lady, I suppose you’re going to regret joining on this hand, as I believe I have it won before it begins. 

DUPLICITY: Confident words from a man wearing makeup. 

Everybody at the table, save for the NOBLE, have a rowdy round of laughter. The NOBLE is obviously flushed as he slams three cards down. 

NOBLE: There! The queen marries the jack, making him a king, plus an extra seven points! 

The two men at the table groan as they lay down their hands, but DUPLICITY merely smiles. 

DUPLICITY: (In a sing-song voice.) Ah, yes, buuuuut the jester steals the king’s crown, which promotes my ten to a jack, plus another eight points. Perhaps you should have kept your hand a little while longer. 

The other two at the table cheer, while the NOBLE broods. ERNEST leans down to speak in DUPLICITY’s ear.

ERNEST: Is that...is that good?

DUPLICITY: (She pats ERNEST on the cheek.) Don’t you worry about it, my friend. Just go get me something to drink if you will. I’m feeling lucky, and I think I’m in this one for the long haul. 

ERNEST eagerly nods, then runs off to the kitchen and out of sight. The NOBLE releases a low growl as he slides a small pile of gold to DUPLICITY, along with the other two.

NOBLE: It is simply beginner’s luck. 

DUPLICITY: Well, I’m sure it will run out eventually. But you’ll have to just keep playing to find that out, won’t you? 

She laughs as he passes her three cards, which she quickly lifts and examines. A few moments go by without a word as all four players devise a strategy. The MERCENARY is the first to act.

MERCENARY: Alright, the queen enters the courtroom. (He slides one card into the center.)

PEASANT: W-Well, the king joins her. (He also slides a card into the center, almost dropping it in the process.)

DUPLICITY: But the king must hire a jack, mustn’t he? (She slides the card into the middle.) Soldiers really are the most important part of a kingdom, if I do say so myself. (She gives the MERCENARY a wink.)

MERCENARY: You’re not wrong, missy. 

NOBLE: Enough. You two are insufferable. Ten points for me. (He slides two cards into the center.)

MERCENARY: Aw, what’s wrong, yuppie? Luck run out?

NOBLE: Don’t mock me, bespawler!

The MERCENARY spits on the floor as the insult is thrown his way, just to spite the NOBLE. 

MERCENARY: Well, I believe another eight points keeps me in the lead, doesn’t it?

All three add another card to the table. Just before the last round comes about, ERNEST returns with a mug of frothy ale, passing behind the MERCENARY as she does so. DUPLICITY notices this and calls her over. As ERNEST puts the mug down, DUPLICITY leans in close. 

DUPLICITY: What’s his hand look like? 

ERNEST: (Loudly) Huh? His hand? 

DUPLICITY: Shh!

ERNEST: Well, it’s got five fingers, and it’s a little dirty--

DUPLICITY: No, I mean the cards, Ernest. 

ERNEST: Oh, well, I think I saw something...I dunno, it looked real fancy. 

DUPLICITY: How fancy? 

ERNEST: Uhh, well, it was black and, uh, it was pointy. And some weird symbol in the corner. Looked kinda like a tent.

DUPLICITY: Oh, no, that sounds like an ace. 

ERNEST: Is that bad? 

DUPLICITY sighs and pulls away from ERNEST, all the while the NOBLE is glaring at them.

DUPLICITY: Oh, soldier...I’m just so worried about this round. If I lose, who knows what will happen to me? Oh, woe is me, without money in such a cruel town there’s no doubt a meek woman like I will be forced to become a beggar. Oh, dear me! (She covers her face melodramatically.)

The MERCENARY is obviously bothered by this statement. 

MERCENARY: I...well, we can’t have that. (He looks to his left, then his right before sighing.) I retire from the courtroom. 

Both the NOBLE and the PEASANT are shocked. 

DUPLICITY: I...oh, did you do that for me? Oh, my word, you truly are a gentleman, sir! Well, do not fear, your kindness will not go in vain, as the king’s brother enters the courtroom to take his place. And with that, I believe the round is mine, is it not? 

MERCENARY: (Dreamily.) It sure is. 

The MERCENARY and NOBLE slide her the gold, but all three look at the peasant for a moment before he gulps and ducks underneath the table. Once he pops back up, he slams his ragged shoes on the table and slides them to her. 

DUPLICITY: Oh, um, thank you, but I don’t want that. (She slides them back to him.)

NOBLE: Alright, this is getting ridiculous! This will be the last hand of the night.

ALL THREE: Agreed. 

DUPLICITY takes hold of the deck, then, after a few moments of dazzling shuffling, slips three cards to each man at the table, then herself. The NOBLE sighs.

NOBLE: Twelve points. (He slides all three cards into the center of the table.)

MERCENARY: Ooh, tough break, lad. 

NOBLE: Quiet, or I’ll have your tongue cut out. 

DUPLICITY: Oh, please don’t. That would be such a tragic loss. 

MERCENARY: I, uh, think I’ll be retiring for the night as well. Here, miss. I insist. (He begins to slide his pile to her, but the PEASANT stops him.)

PEASANT: S-Stop right there! (He slams all three cards down in a dramatic fashion.) T-The king and his two brothers enter the courtroom!

The entire table looks to DUPLICITY for a moment. She’s sweating bullets as she examines her hands with the eyes of a scholar. The NOBLE looks quite pleased to see her so distressed, but both ERNEST and the MERCENARY look worried for her.

DUPLICITY: Well, that is quite the hand, I suppose, but...um...I have to say that...I…

She is thankfully interrupted by the eastern door being kicked open and entered through by a woman clad in similar clothes to the PEASANT.

PEASANT’S WIFE: Is this where you’ve been gone all day? What are--are you gamblin’ with my money! (She furiously approaches the table.)

PEASANT: N-No, I mean, yes, but no, because, look, I’m doing good, or I’m about to--

PEASANT’S WIFE: I don’t care! Ya got three little ones to feed! Oh, Patrick, this is the last straw! (She grabs him by the ear and drags him away from the table and out of the bar, angrily ranting on the way out.)

There is an awkward pause before Duplicity finally breaks out into a fit of laughter. 

DUPLICITY: Well, with that, I guess I’m the winner. 

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX

AT RISE: DUPLICITY and ERNEST are seated at the same table they had been gambling at a few hours before. The duo are sharing dinner, and neither look too pleased. 

ERNEST: Bleh, I told ya, there’s nothing better than my stuff. 

DUPLICITY: While I’m not hating it, I find myself agreeing with you. Don’t worry, in the morning we’ll go shopping for groceries, and we’ll see if we can’t replace that spoon collection of yours while we’re at it.

ERNEST: Even the soup spoons?

DUPLICITY: Ernest, with the money I won today, we can even start you a ladle collection. 

ERNEST deeply gasps. 

ERNEST: Are you serious? 

DUPLICITY: I’ve never been more serious in my life. 

ERNEST releases a squeal of pure ecstasy.

DUPLICITY: Alright, alright, calm down. We’ll go tomorrow right after I finish an errand. 

ERNEST: An errand? What for? Can I come with?

DUPLICITY: I’m sorry, Ernest, but I have to do it alone. It’s a...private matter. I hope you understand.

ERNEST: I do...but I’m not too happy about it. 

DUPLICITY: Don’t worry; I’ll do it early. By the time you wake up, you won’t even have known I was gone. 

ERNEST: Thanks. 

DUPLICITY: No thanks necessary. 

ERNEST: Hey...Duplicity?

DUPLICITY: Yes, Ernest?

ERNEST: Where’d you learn to play cards like that? I never knew princesses got taught stuff like that. Well, I reckon I don’t know much about princesses at all, but still.

DUPLICITY: Oh, that...well, I learned when I was young.

ERNEST: Who taught ya?

DUPLICITY: My father did. 

ERNEST: Ooh, a king? Did he look like the card?

DUPLICITY: Practically a portrait of him. He was a wonderful man, always trying to prepare me for the life ahead of us. He was busy, but he could always find time to see me. Frankly, I don’t think I have a single good memory that he wasn’t a part of in some way. 

ERNEST: What happened to him? 

DUPLICITY is silent, staring off in the distance for a few seconds before replying. 

DUPLICITY: He died. He caught an illness that he simply couldn’t recover from and he passed in his sleep. It happened when I was young, but I still remember it all too well. I remember trying to shake him awake for hours before my mother and the undertaker forced me to stop. 

ERNEST: I’m sorry, Duplicity. I know what that feels like. (She takes DUPLICITY by the hand.) I know how much it hurts. But you loved him, didn’t you? 

DUPLICITY: More than life itself.

ERNEST: Then I’m sure he’s watchin’ over you now. Keepin’ you safe just like my daddy is. 

A tear comes to DUPLICITY’s eye as she clamps her other hand onto ERNEST’s.

DUPLICITY: You know, Ernest, some would call you a fool for being so hopeful. 

ERNEST: Well, I’d rather be a hopeful fool than a hopeless scholar. 

DUPLICITY: (She gives a quite giggle.) There truly is something special about you, Ernest, I want you to know that. 

ERNEST: I could say the same for you, princess. (She rises from the table, still holding on to DUPLICITY’s hand.) Now, come on, let’s get some rest. We got shoppin’ to do in the mornin’. 

END OF ACT TWO.

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE

AT RISE: DUPLICITY is stepping into a lofty church with rows upon rows of pews between the door and the priest’s confessional. DUPLICITY navigates her way between the rows of pews, admiring the stained glass windows as she passes. Where the morning light doesn’t reach, rows of candles illuminate the shadows. There is scarcely a sound in the church besides the clicking of DUPLICITY’s heels against the wooden floor. THE PRIEST is waiting in the confessional, softly reading a passage from the bible to himself, but halts as he notices DUPLICITY coming closer. She enters the confessional, which is facing in a way so that the audience can see both THE PRIEST and DUPLICITY at once.

DUPLICITY: (Speaking quickly.) Alright, before I say anything, I just want you to know that this isn’t for me, so don’t get onto me about the whole salvation thing. I’m just here for...well, I don’t know what I’m here for exactly, but that’s not important. Now, how do we start this? Oh, father, I have sinned or however that goes. To be truthful, I haven’t even stepped foot in a church since I was a child, but I just felt the need to do this, alright?

THE PRIEST: (Slowly and warmly.) You are nervous, my child. Please, you are in the house of God, there is nothing to fear. Compose yourself and continue. 

DUPLICITY sighs and places her head in her hands.

DUPLICITY: Father, I’ve done many things in my life that you would call sins. I’ve lied, cheated, stolen, and gambled, but what I’m about to do is the worst sin I could ever commit.

THE PRIEST: What is that, my child? 

DUPLICITY: I have duped a woman who deserves nothing but the good graces of God because I am too selfish to resign myself to my fate. I’m a viper, father. I only kill and hurt those who dare to love me. I’ve lost many family and friends to my endeavors, and now I dare to lose one who is beginning to seem like both to me. (She gives a genuine, guttural wail of despair.) What am I to do? I fear it is too late to change the course of fate, and I can feel the shroud of death closing in all around me. (She takes a ragged breath.) Around us. 

THE PRIEST: I see why you have come. You are not here to repent, are you? 

DUPLICITY: No...no, I don’t deserve that. I don’t have the gall to pray for my own forgiveness, but what I am here to do is to pray for God’s intervention in this terrible matter.

THE PRIEST: In what way do you mean?

DUPLICITY: This woman deserves His protection, and if He can find some way to save her from the fate I believe is down the road for her and somehow preserve a future for me that is worth living, then I would exchange what little bit of my soul is left to him. I don’t know what would need to happen, but I just...I need an answer that will fix all of these disastrous problems I have wrought.

THE PRIEST: You know, it is not God’s tendency to make deals for mortal souls. It does not surprise me, but I believe someone in your profession is more likely to sell their soul to the devil than to live a life in reverence of God. 

DUPLICITY: My profession? Now you’re the one who has me confused, father.

THE PRIEST: You are Duplicity, are you not? 

DUPLICITY perks up at the sound of her name.

DUPLICITY: How do you know that name?

THE PRIEST: I am a man of the cloth; I hear many confessions that are one and the same as yours. To be quite honest with you, your name has floated about here before, and I must say it never follows kind words. 

DUPLICITY: That’s typical. The holy man is here to judge others from his high horse. I’ll just be going now. I’ve had my fill of pompousness from men in robes through the course of my life.

THE PRIEST: Patience is a virtue, my child. If you’ll allow me to continue, I believe my words may hold true to you. 

DUPLICITY has quite a sour look on her face, but she crosses her arms and continues to listen nonetheless. 

THE PRIEST: I’ve heard your case. Your whole empire was brought down by one man who betrayed you in exchange for a pardon. A selfish man, I must admit, as I believe he did none of this for the sake of morality. While I don’t agree with your line of work, Duplicity, I do know one thing about it. Loyalty is honored above all, and to be quite frank with you, the same reverence goes for this church. It takes loyalty to God to pray every day in hope that things will get better, it takes loyalty to the people to usher in the impoverished and give them hope, and it will take loyalty for me to keep your whereabouts secret. 

DUPLICITY: (In an almost indignant manner.) You’re quite odd for a priest, you know that? Isn’t it your duty to punish the wicked in any way you can? Why would you not cast me out of your church the moment you recognized me?

THE PRIEST: Well, Duplicity, I believe you’re not too far gone from salvation to see the light. If your words from earlier were true, and I believe them to be, I can see that you have met someone who has brought out the conscience you so desired to push away. I believe you can make amends for what you’ve done in the past, but you must take the first step. The first step in the right direction. 

DUPLICITY gives a sad, recollective smile as she slumps down even lower than before. 

DUPLICITY: You know, your words remind me of the very woman I pray for. Tell me, father, is this some sort of convoluted plot from the church to punish me for my sins?

THE PRIEST: What would make you say that?

DUPLICITY: (Gives an exasperated guffaw before leaning back in her chair and staring straight up toward the ceiling.) Why, it’s obvious, isn’t it? You’ve sent an angel to punish me. God himself must have realized that it takes kindness to truly hurt me. This angel has dug up feelings I thought I had buried years ago, and now they torture me with every moment, as I know I don’t deserve to enjoy them! 

THE PRIEST: And what would these feelings be, Duplicity?

DUPLICITY: Love, father. A painful, sinful love born in treachery and nursed on kindness. (She pauses, then turns to face his side of the confessional.) You never answered me, father.

THE PRIEST: (A warm chortle rings out.) If only I were so clever. No, Duplicity, I fear this situation has come about simply from random consequence.

DUPLICITY: I see. If God has not yet punished me, then He has more than likely abandoned me altogether. There is no place for me at His side, but it was worth the effort if my pathetic pleas somehow softened His heart enough for him to dip his finger into our world and cast one final miracle for my damned soul. Father, thank you for your time. And one day, if things have changed, perhaps you will see me more often. But for now, I believe I must face the demons of my cowardice alone. (DUPLICITY stands and walks out of the confessional.)

THE PRIEST: It is never too late to save yourself, my child. May God be with you! 

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO

AT RISE: It is early morning. DUPLICITY is seen stepping out of the church, intense anxiety apparent in her manner. At the far end of the stage, ERNEST is sitting in the driver’s seat of the coach, admiring a box of spoons with utter delight. The coach is parked in front of the inn where the two had spent the night. DUPLICITY is wringing her hands and biting her nails as she is suddenly approached and spoken to by the two cloaked men. She is obviously quite startled at seeing them.

CLOAKED MAN #1: I’m sorry it took us so long to reach you, but we couldn’t risk being seen in the inn last night. But either way, I think you’ll be pleased with us today, my lady. We’ve hired the assassins, and they lay in wait at the border as we speak. It cost us quite a sum, but they are professionals, they will get the job done the moment you cross. Don’t worry, we’ve given them full descriptions of both of you so that they don’t accidentally strike you. The plan should be smooth sailing from here.

DUPLICITY: Well, that’s all well and good, but call them off! (She gives a worried look toward ERNEST.)

Both cloaked men show intense confusion at the woman’s decision. 

CLOAKED MAN #1: Well, that ship just sank.

CLOAKED MAN #2: What do you mean? If you’re worried about your own safety, I assure you, they won’t harm you. I’ve seen them strike a target from a hundred yards away with lethal accuracy.

DUPLICITY: No, that’s not it. (She stammers.) I’ve-I’ve...I’ve decided that it’s unnecessary. Killing her will only cause more trouble, and you know how loose ends make my skin crawl. No, when we’re closest to the border, I will simply slip away in the middle of the night. It will be much easier without this convoluted assassination plot.

CLOAKED MAN #2: But, my lady, won’t she--

DUPLICITY: Don’t question me! Just go back and tell them their services are no longer needed. Tell them the money is no problem either, they may keep it. Just go, quickly! Before she spots you! 

She shoos the men away as she takes a deep breath and brushes her hair back with her hand. As she approaches the wagon, ERNEST eagerly turns, nearly dropping her spoon collection as she quickly descends from the coach and runs up to DUPLICITY. 

ERNEST: There ya are! I’ve been waitin’ all mornin’! I was just too excited to sleep in! This whole adventure’s got me more riled up than a cat with its tail on fire!

DUPLICITY: Well, I’m glad you’re happy, my friend.

ERNEST: Oh, you have no idea! I’m gonna have so many stories to tell from this one! And this collection’s even better than the one I had before! Oh, hang on, take a look at this one! (She goes for her spoons, but DUPLICITY places a hand on her shoulder.)

DUPLICITY: Don’t worry, Ernest, there will be plenty of time to show me all of your wonderful spoons. I do hope you got some ladles while you were at it. 

ERNEST: Oh, I forgot all about those! 

Before she can continue, the NOBLE comes sprinting out of the inn and quite literally hides behind ERNEST.

ERNEST: Well, it’s nice to see you too, friend.

NOBLE: Giant, please, you must help me!

DUPLICITY: What could you possible need? 

NOBLE: A messenger has informed me that two marauders are approaching the town, and I simply know they’re planning to rob me blind! 

ERNEST: Well, when should we expect ‘em? 

Just as she says that, the two bandits appear from the same direction as the church. 

NOBLE: Oh, about now, I suppose. 

BANDIT #1: Hey, you! Aristocrat! Stop there and give us everything--oh, no, it’s you again.

ERNEST: Hey! Small world, isn’t it?

BANDIT #2: Hey, aren’t those the two that we--

DUPLICITY: Robbed? 

BANDIT #2: Yeah, robbed!

BANDIT #1 turns to him and makes a motion of strangling him, but doesn’t actually do it. Before the conversation can continue, the MERCENARY appears from the inn, obviously drunk as can be. 

MERCENARY: Fear not! For I am here!

BANDIT #1: Oh, no, that’s great, another one. Just how I wanted this day to go. 

MERCENARY stumbles over to the scene, dropping his pike halfway over.

MERCENARY: You leave these three fine women alone!

The NOBLE puts a hand up to speak, but DUPLICITY puts a hand on his shoulder and shakes her head. He downtroddenly puts it back down and allows the scene to play out.

BANDIT #2: Uh, I think we might just wanna leave. 

MERCENARY: Don’t think you can get outta here on my watch! (He goes for his pike, but realizes he doesn’t have it. He feels himself up and down, as if searching for his wallet, then spins all around looking for it.) Well, you really are master thieves!

The whole group behind the MERCENARY giggle for a little while as his drunken antics play on. The NOBLE leans in to speak to ERNEST and DUPLICITY. 

NOBLE: I had the attendant go for the guards the moment I heard about these two, we simply need to stall them until the authorities arrive.

DUPLICITY: Well, don’t worry about that, I think he’s got it covered.  

BANDIT #1: Alright, listen, step aside, please. We have inns to rob and people to extort. 

MERCENARY: Oh, ya think you’re tough, do ya? I bet you couldn’t even land a hit on me!

The two bandits look at each other, then shrug. BANDIT #2 takes a step forward and slaps the MERCENARY across the face as he desperately tries to dodge it, but fails miserably and is knocked to the floor, though he quickly pops back up.

MERCENARY: Cheap shot! Could never happen again! 

They shrug again, and this time, BANDIT #1 steps forward and slaps him in the exact same manner. He pops up yet again.

MERCENARY: One more time! 

For a short while, the two take turns slapping the MERCENARY until eventually, he stays down. While still laying down, he points straight up as he speaks.

MERCENARY: You have won this battle, but you have not won the war! I’m just gonna...gonna take a nap, and then...then we’ll get back to it. 

The MERCENARY’s arm drops limply as he passes out, much to the entertainment of everybody present.  

ERNEST: This is the best show I’ve seen in a dog’s age. 

DUPLICITY: I must agree. (She turns to NOBLE.) Ooh, you should go out there and juggle! Keep the show going! 

ERNEST: Yeah! (She claps.)

NOBLE: I am no jester! 

BANDIT #1: Alright, that was fun, but we’re gonna burn this place down if somebody doesn’t get us some gold. 

The NOBLE yelps in fear as he turns to ERNEST, then DUPLICITY.

DUPLICITY: You heard him. 

NOBLE: Please, giant, won’t you stop these two from destroying my wonderful hotel? If you do, I’ll give you another night for free! 

BANDIT #1: Alright, on the count of three, we’re goin’ in! One!

NOBLE: And I’ll even compensate you!

BANDIT #1: Two!

BANDIT #2: Seven! 

BANDIT #1: Leave the counting to me, will you? 

BANDIT #2: Got it

NOBLE: Oh, I’ll even offer you anything you’d like from the kitchen!

ERNEST: Kitchen?

DUPLICITY: Oh, you’ve done it now. 

ERNEST: Anything?

NOBLE: Anything!

ERNEST: Everything?

NOBLE: Uh…

DUPLICITY: Everything. 

ERNEST: Woohoo! (She rushes forward and tackles both men at the same time and pins them.)

DUPLICITY leans in to talk with the noble.

DUPLICITY: Honestly, I think you might have had less losses if you would have just let them burn the place. 

NOBLE: I’ll go warn my chef…

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE

AT RISE: DUPLICITY AND ERNEST are dining outside of the inn, both of them sitting on the first step of the front porch. It is late in the night, and the chorus of crickets has returned. A night sky dotted with millions of twinkling stars hangs above the two, creating a picturesque scene. DUPLICITY is taking selective bites from the remains of a meal on her plate, while beside ERNEST there is a literal two foot high stack of empty plates. 

DUPLICITY: Well, when quality is out, I suppose quantity is always a good substitute, isn’t it?

ERNEST belches in response, then rubs her belly. 

DUPLICITY: Well spoken, my friend. 

ERNEST: Ugh, I’m so full. 

DUPLICITY: I’ll say...didn’t you have a fork earlier? 

ERNEST brings her hands to her mouth, and with another belch, launches a fork a few feet in front of her. 

DUPLICITY: Well, at least it’s not a spoon. Speaking of which, why do you collect spoons?

ERNEST: Hm? Oh, yeah, well, ya see, I had this neighbor. He was a real nice fellow, he’d bring us milk every now and again and every summer he’d help us on the farm.

DUPLICITY: Why are there so many farms around here? 

ERNEST: Couldn’t tell ya. Anyway, one day, he brought me a box full of these spoons and told me that one day, they’d be worth more than his whole farm and home put together. And he gave them to me. Ever since then, it’s just sorta been a hobby to add on to his collection. 

DUPLICITY: Interesting. What happened to the man? 

ERNEST: Him? Oh, he died. 

There is a moment of awkward silence between them as DUPLICITY looks quite alarmed by the casualty of her answer. 

ERNEST: Yeah, he was crazy too. Turns out, he also thought he could talk to wolves. 

DUPLICITY: Well, could he? 

ERNEST: Uh, I’d say no by the fact that they mauled him, but he mighta just been unfriendly.

DUPLICITY: A problem you never seem to come across.

ERNEST: I try my best. 

DUPLICITY: And it shows, my dear knight.

ERNEST chuckles, then takes a moment to stare up at the stars. 

ERNEST: You ever...you ever wonder what it’s like to…

DUPLICITY: Oh, no, no let me guess! Um, wonder what’s it’s like to wrestle a deer?

ERNEST: Uh...no.

DUPLICITY: Swim naked in a lake in the summertime? 

ERNEST: Not quite what I was gettin’ at either.

DUPLICITY: Ooh, ooh, maybe…

ERNEST: You ever wonder what it’s like to fall in love? 

DUPLICITY is stricken with silence as she locks eyes with ERNEST. 

DUPLICITY: What makes you speak of such a serious topic, Ernest? 

ERNEST: It’s just sort of a...well, I’d call it a chain of thoughts, I guess. 

DUPLICITY: What do you mean by that? 

ERNEST: Well, ya see, when I was a kid, me and my dad would always go out at night and look up at the stars, and he would show me all the constipations.

DUPLICITY: Constellations.

ERNEST: Yeah, those. He would point ‘em all out to me, and to this day, every time I see a starry night, I think of him. And then after I think of him, I think of mom, and I think of a buncha other things, but eventually, I just started thinkin’ about love.

DUPLICITY: Well, I must say that’s some pretty deep thinking. 

ERNEST: Do you know what it’s like? 

DUPLICITY: To love? 

ERNEST: Yeah! My parents always talked about how I would find love someday, but I don’t really know if that day’ll ever come. 

DUPLICITY: You can’t give up on it so easily, Ernest. It’s not like you. 

ERNEST: Well, I wouldn’t know what I’m lookin’ for! How do you know you’re in love if somebody doesn’t tell you? 

DUPLICITY: Hm...that is a good question, isn’t it? If I were to risk a guess, I’d have to say that love is when you simply don’t feel complete without somebody. 

ERNEST: Complete? Like, having all my arms and legs and stuff? 

DUPLICITY: No, no, not like that. It’s...think of it like this. Imagine every single day when you wake up, you could see color. 

ERNEST: I’m followin’ ya so far.

DUPLICITY: Well, imagine that, after you met somebody, they left and you could never see color again. That’s as close to love as I think I can describe. 

ERNEST: So, you never know you love somebody until they’re gone? 

DUPLICITY: I’m afraid it does go like that in some cases. 

ERNEST sighs and lays down with her hands behind her head. 

ERNEST: Shew, I don’t know how my mamma thought I could find somethin’ so complicated. 

DUPLICITY: (She speaks in a far off, melancholy way.) It’s easier than you think, Ernest. Trust me. 

ERNEST sits up, rubbing her eyes and yawning. 

ERNEST: I’ll have to give it some thought in the morning. I’m too tired to think right now. (She stands.) I’m gonna head off to bed. You comin’? 

DUPLICITY: Just a few more minutes. This sky is absolutely beautiful.

ERNEST: Well, I’ll leave the lantern burnin’ for ya.

ERNEST steps through the front door of the inn and out of sight. DUPLICITY watches her leave, then after she is gone, gives one of her trademark sighs before running a hand through her hair and looking up at the sky longingly. 

DUPLICITY: It truly is beautiful...but will it stay beautiful...if it loses color?

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR

AT RISE: The time is midday, close to evening. The sun is beginning its gradual downshift, spreading an orange glow across everything it touches. The two women have  finally been able to get back on the road, and Glendove is quite apparently getting closer. DUPLICITY looks quite nervous, and ERNEST is wiping sweat away from her own forehead every few moments. 

ERNEST: Shew, when did it get so hot out here? I’m sweatin’ like a sinner in church over here.

DUPLICITY: Hm? Oh, I hadn’t noticed, I suppose. 

ERNEST: I’ll be glad to get home and take this thing off. I bet you’re feeling the same way, huh? Almost home free. Now, if this kind of nonsense ever happens again, don’t you worry, Duplicity, I will come a-runnin’.

DUPLICITY: (She nervously wrings her hands in her lap as she speaks.) Thank you, Ernest, but I doubt that will be necessary.

ERNEST: Yeah, I suppose ya get kidnapped once, then ya never get kidnapped again, right? Hey, would you mind if I met your folks when we bring ya back? I never met royalty before, and I’d love it if they could...ya know...knight me? I’m not really sure how it works, but just the title would make my mamma so proud of me.

DUPLICITY: Well, of course, my friend, but in my eyes, you’ve already earned far better than that.

ERNEST: Aw, stop it, you’re makin’ this gal blush. 

DUPLICITY: I mean it, Ernest, you truly are a kind soul. (She locks eyes with ERNEST, then speaks with equal parts confidence and sincerity.) Ernest, I have lived a lonely life. Ever since I lost my father, I’ve never been able to truly trust others, as I’ve always believed them to only be after what I could do for them. But, now, now that I’ve had those riches and connections stripped away from me in this short time, I’ve finally been able to find a friend that I know truly cares for me. (She tightly clenches her fists in her lap and bites her lip for a moment as she struggles to choke back a wave of raw emotion.) You have been the best--if not the only--friend I have ever had, Ernest. I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me, and it simply wouldn’t be right for me to hold this secret from you any longer.

ERNEST: What? Are you in more danger? Is that why you been lookin’ so scared all day?

DUPLICITY is silent for a moment as she contemplates how to properly word her answer, but before she can speak, ERNEST takes one hand off the reins to clasp DUPLICITY’s hand in her own. 

ERNEST: I knew it. Well, listen, princess, I’m givin’ you my knight’s word that I won’t let anything harm you. If there’s anybody out there who you think might be tryin’ to hurt you, just point me to ‘em, and I’ll hunt ‘em down. I’ll fight through hell or high water to keep you safe, no matter what. 

DUPLICITY: But, what if they killed you? What then, Ernest? You can’t just make promises like that! (She cuts her eyes to the side.) You can’t just die for somebody like me. That’s not how it should be! 

ERNEST: My lady, there would be no greater honor than to lay down my life to protect yours. My daddy did the same, and I’d be happy to follow in his footsteps as long as you stay safe.

DUPLICITY is obviously in deep thought. For a few moments, she merely stares at ERNEST; a look of childlike awe passes over her features, eventually driving her to take hold of ERNEST’s hand with both of hers and kiss it.

DUPLICITY: You’ve done more than I could have ever deserved, dear knight. I’ll be safe, but thank you for such a selfless offer. (She lowers ERNEST’s hand, but continues to keep a tight, affectionate grip on it as she drives.)

ERNEST: Anytime, princess. And, uh, if you’re ever in need of a royal bodyguard or somethin’ like that, I’m always available! ‘Cept on my mamma's birthday. We always celebrate pretty hard on those.

DUPLICITY: Ernest, before this journey of ours ends, I just want to tell you that this has been some of the most fun I have ever had, and no matter what happens next, I want you to know that you will always be welcome in any home of mine. Whether it be a glimmering, golden palace or a dingy hole in the ground, I want you there; I want you by my side.

ERNEST: Oh, Duplicity, I couldn’t have said it better myself. When we get back I’m gonna-- (She turns her head to see a passing road sign.) hey, Duplicity, what does that sign say? 

DUPLICITY: Oh, um...it says…(Duplicity halts, horror violently striking her.)

ERNEST: Says what? Oh, no, did you forget how to read too? That happened to my uncle one time.

DUPLICITY: No, it says...Glendove...that way.

ERNEST: Aw, that’s great! We can get there before sundown if we hurry!

DUPLICITY: No! 

ERNEST: Why? What’s wrong? 

DUPLICITY: I...can we please make camp? 

ERNEST: Really? But we’re so close. 

DUPLICITY: I know, but I-I really just want another one of your dinners before I have to return home. It would mean the world to me.

ERNEST: Ah, I knew it would grow on ya! There’s nothing like cooking from the country, but don’t tell nobody back home that, alright? I’d hate to hurt their feelings. 

DUPLICITY: I promise to keep the secret. (She gives ERNEST one final, sad smile as they pull off the road.)

ACT THREE, SCENE FIVE

AT RISE: ERNEST is fast asleep, but for the first time, her armor is removed. The silvery suit is sitting across from her, each individual piece neatly spread out in preparation for the morning. The coach is sitting unusually close to the scene, its lanterns providing another small source of light in the pitch black darkness. DUPLICITY is sitting by the campfire, head in her hands; despair has obviously taken a tight hold over her. As her two compatriots approach, she rushes over to them, as she has done before. One of them is limping. 

DUPLICITY: What happened? 

CLOAKED MAN #1: I’m sorry, my lady. They refused to abolish the contract. They spouted off some nonsense about the contract being signed in blood, so it could only be ended in blood. My meaning is that they have no intention of accepting your request. They even put an arrow into my leg for asking. 

CLOAKED MAN #2: And to add to the bad news, they even warned us that if you tried to aid the adventurer, they would track you down and kill you both. We’ve made a grave mistake, I believe, in hiring these savages, my lady, but fear not, we’ll protect you with our lives! 

Both men give her a slight bow to punctuate the statement. DUPLICITY is silent for a few moments, turning away from the men to lovingly caress the wagon. She tosses a somber glance toward ERNEST’s sleeping form before shaking her head and turning back to face the two.

DUPLICITY: Men, I’m sorry for everything. 

CLOAKED MAN #2: My lady, what are you talking about? 

DUPLICITY: I have never apologized to either of you for any of the cruelties I have inflicted upon you, nor have I ever treated either of you with any kindness. I imagine the two of you must harbor such intense hatred for me, but if you withhold even the smallest amount of love for me, you will grant me this final request. 

CLOAKED MAN #1: Absolutely! What do you require?

DUPLICITY: After the job is done...I want you to make sure the assassins clear out before anybody else comes down the road, alright? After their contract is fulfilled, I want them away as soon as possible; this is incredibly important. 

CLOAKED MAN #1: Yes, my lady, but what of the body?

DUPLICITY: (She gives a grim guffaw.) Trust me, you’ll know what to do with it when the time comes. (Duplicity steps between the men, places a hand on both men’s shoulders, then plants a tender kiss on each of their cheeks.) Now, please, get out of here, and stay safe. I won’t be seeing either of you for quite some time.

Both men rub their cheeks in disbelief before bowing and stepping away, leaving DUPLICITY to stand alone in the darkness. The lone woman gives another spiteful laugh that extends for a while before becoming pained sobbing. She falls to her knees, clutching her face and wailing quietly. Eventually, she rises, rubbing her eyes as she approaches ERNEST’s sleeping form. She kneels beside her, placing a hand on the forming scar on ERNEST’s cheek.

DUPLICITY: Perhaps, in another time, in another world, I could have been just like you. Perhaps I could have been a hero rather than this foul creature that I am...I love you, Ernest, I love what you stand for, and I love who you’re going to become. I simply wish I had told you this when I had the chance. Perhaps that’s why what I have to do next hurts me so much. (DUPLICITY turns from ERNEST and begins gathering the individual pieces of her armor. As swiftly as she can, she puts the pieces on, save for the helmet. Once she does, she bends down once more to ERNEST.) What I wouldn’t give to stay by your side for just one more night. I have so many stories to tell you, but I simply don’t have the time. (She give a melancholy chuckle.) Do you remember what said when you first picked me up? About all bad people simply doing things in reverse? Well, perhaps, I’m finally going in the right direction. (Another chuckle before standing.) Goodbye, my dearest knight.

DUPLICITY ascends the coach and takes the reins, and with one final glance at ERNEST, rides off towards Glendove. 

THE END

Author's Note

Thank you all for reading, and feel free to comment! I am actually self-publishing this play, and if you're interested, and would like to support me, you can buy it here http://thebp.site/154518
Hope you enjoy!