A lifeboat

My thoughts about hope, dreams and facing life with mental problems.

I am standing in front of the grey ocean. My thoughts are more turbulent than its waves and my scars are deeper than its depth. The more I Look at it with my teary eyes, the more greyer it becomes, as if my eyes had a magical powers to turn anything into something mournful and darker.
I am the absent sun, I am the non luminous moon, I am the last autumn leaf of dying tree. I am the broken glass. I'm the lost dream.
The grey ocean’s mountain like waves urge me to leave. The wind around me is howling and whispering in my ears, "Do it, end that tragedy which is called life."
I'm afraid though I am the fear itself. I am facing problems by the number of the water drops in that grey ocean, but actually my*biggest problem of all my problems is me, I'm the problem.
I have tried to escape several times but I failed, and how can I escape from what is inside me. I am a prisoner of my thoughts.
Those who I loved them made it worse by breaking their promises. In fact, they did not break the promises of not leaving* , but broke my heart and my mind and my soul.
I stand in front of the grey ocean, without a soul, only with a weak body and a mind *that* can not stop Thinking.
Life is not a life. I do not see the sun in the horizon and I can not smell the fragrance of flowers anymore. Even the sand beneath my feet is burning me as if it was the lava itself.
I’m the problem.
I have failed to change my destiny. The more I try, the more my heart gets broken . My heart is broken now that it does not want to try anymore. It just wants to stop beating forever
Failure, depression, fear, anxiety. All these things are just words till you feel one or maybe all of them. You will find out, they are monsters. Hideous, dark monsters that are killing you a hundred times a day. You feel your weakness in front of them.
I stand in front of the grey ocean looking at the turbulent waves in front of me and shout, "O grey ocean’s waves, do not go away without taking my soul with you."
Everything in my life is as miserable as it used to be. I will not earn anything by continuing to live that way. The likelihood of suffering *will* only increase. Everything is wrong, and I had no way of putting things right. I am powerless, I am defenseless, *and so,* I choose freedom at last. The eternal absence of mine.
Death is my only solution.….. I decided to be dead.
Because *being* dead would no longer be able to be sad, afraid or even lonely. Dead is just dead.
The sun is setting fast in front of my teary brown eyes and the grey ocean turns into an endless pond of blood. The cold grey ocean *is killing* the warm golden sun. And it felt like all my hopes and my dreams have been killed as well.
It’s terrible to feel that you’re fighting in battle you’re destined to lose. I feel fear, a terrible fear of the unknown.
I am looking at the grey ocean in front of me,
I am smiling,
I am frowning ,
I am devouring the air
I am walking into the grey ocean.
I am giving up fighting its enormous dark waves.
I am seeing the death with my own eyes, but I am feeling relieved.
I am giving up on everything
I am giving up on life itself
I close my eyes, I don’t want to see my sad ending. I wait and wait and wait. I didn’t die.
I open my eyes slowly to see the grey ocean turn blue. And the angry waves turn into soothing , calm thing. I look at the sky and I see the sun shinning and the birds singing and flying happily .
“ It was temporary. It was temporary. This is not the end. This isn’t my end.” I exclaim happily.
The hope has came back to my heart again, I even regret giving up. My new hope warms my cold body. And I started swimming through the blue new ocean to discover the world. To discover my world.
I am blinded. I am ruining my whole world by focusing on the negatives and totally ignoring all the graces I have. I still have ability to swim I still have desire to see new worlds and fall in love with new people.
I am swimming deeper and deeper into the new blue ocean. Finally I see something new. A boat.
“God, I am so grateful. I will never give up on myself again. I am so thankful for being alive” I think to myself while looking at the clear sky above me.
I get into the boat. My lifeboat.
And my heart is full of passion and love to discover a new world full of new hopes. It wasn’t my end but my beginning. I am blooming and I am growing like I have never done before.

Author's Note

One day s British Friend of mine asked me to write a short piece about depression and mental suffering as he was so broken and depressed because his mother just passed away recently. So, I decided to write about my break up (which happened 4 months ago) and how I could get through it . Hope you like it and try to ignore my grammatical mistakes

Reviews

[Viktoria]

A lovely tale, Nora. One infinitely relatable to many. Much like the weather, our lives have their moments of greys, but if we keep striving and keep love and hope in our hearts blue seas and skies are always on the horizon. The positivity detailed in your ending was lovely to read. I enjoyed the story. 🌹

[Nora]

Awww, your review made my day 😻 I am so glad you enjoyed my story ❤️ I wrote it when I was totally broken but now I am looking for my new world, hope I will get better days soon 😊