Chapter 7: Tribulations Part 4: A.J.T.

It is the rite of passage handed down from father to son, in order to set the boy on the path to manhood. But what happens when a father is not present to guide his son along this path...He becomes introverted, learns to stronghold his emotions deep withi

Much like everything else, the knowledge I retained about my father was predominantly gathered from my mother’s journals. I've only met Allen Joseph Tolliver once, after my mother died, and he hardly stayed long enough to establish any kind of fatherly bond; not that I was harboring any hopeful expectations at fourteen. But for many years I speculated on what possible reasons might have led to his departure. Was he disappointed in being a father? Did my mother upset him in some irreconcilable way? Eventually, as I developed an understanding as to who Allen Joseph Tolliver was, I decided the fact of the matter was simply that he was a very selfish individual.

I can't deny that his presence was sorely missed. I spent years reading books in the basement, studying how a father's involvement is imperative in preparing his son for the future. There are two stages of development in this process, both equally important. The first is by relation through understanding. This is where the father relates the similarities of his own childhood to help guide his son with a masculine sense of wander and discovery, testing the boundaries of acceptability, and becoming expressive through adolescent mischievousness. The second phase is a foundation of stability, leading by example, teaching the young man the importance of dignity, patience, and logical reasoning.

It is the rite of passage handed down from father to son, in order to set the boy on the path to manhood. But what happens when a father is not present to guide his son along this path, to lead by example? The boy becomes confused, questions who he is as a human being, lashes out in unexpected bouts of rage. He is quite lost without this proper guidance. He becomes introverted, learns to stronghold his emotions deep within his heart 'till they explode like a time-bomb when something uncontrollable happens, and over time he develops a deeply rooted angst that threatens both him and society.

Even though I grasped this understanding fully, there was no avoiding the inevitable. I sought relentlessly to understand why such internal frustrations were stirring inside of me, to discover a thread that tied the ends of my and my father’s lives together, in order to prevent this foreshadowing conclusion.

It was an arduous journey to self discovery, a path that led directly to the boy my father used to be. I knew very little about his childhood, or what he wanted to be when he got older, but I managed to squeeze a few drops of information from my mother's journals to satisfy what curiosity I had - enough, at least, to slow the progression of anxiety that weighed heavily on me - and to appreciate my father’s positive qualities that were instilled in me; qualities that comforted, and at times infuriated my mother.

She cared for my father Allen very deeply, even if she did not openly admit it and that for better or worse, his influence would have an everlasting impression on her. I never found among her journals an entry that would suggest she projected her affection for him onto me, due to the suffering she endured because he left her. I don't even think she realized the truth of this epiphany. As hard as she tried to convince herself otherwise, to her, I was my father. He abandoned her once, and she wasn't going to allow him the opportunity to do it again. I don't doubt for one moment that she was not greatly concerned for my safety, but the reason that was just given was extra kindle for the fire.