I am

 

What do you do

I thought to myself, about my whole life thinking and agreeing that religion was man made [But I am Catholic by baptism, Agnostic at heart] So I could never ask my mom about it. The trade towers? It was on the television that day, Mrs Conti, my Geography teacher cried because a relative was there. We all watched that second plane. But the building falling never was right. I've been watching the History channel my whole life kinda [it's my favorite] and they have these shows about knocking buildings down. I grow up wondering why I can't get challended anymore [after I mastered long divison, nothing was hard] and I think to myself, why isn't there a challenge? Why is everything so easy? Why are assigned reading books so pointless? My freshman English teacher, Ms. Heine brought about my deep interest in the media and it's effect on society [I had a thirst for it before, but I had a mentor then with her] Why? WHY WHY WHY won't anyone answer me? Go through my life never once studying a thing, passing with A's...WHY!?! Sophomore year [I am ashamed to say] I died. I absolutely died. I didn't care what happened to my grades, what was the point if all we ever did was review, wait for the dumb kids in class that never paid attention, and learned at a snails pace? WHY?? I tracked the war in Iraq, That made no sense. It wasn't right. I mean in Amercian History, my teacher challened our thoughts with the dust bowl and the 1920's. He was right about how it made no sense. And centralized banking [one of my personal favorite lectures by him] Why are we getting dumber, why are we losing touch, why don't we go out and talk to people unless something fatal happens? My neighbors? Didn't meet them until the hurricane blew trees into their house and they had to live with us for a bit. How long were we neighbors? YEARS. WHY????

I was not born Anabelle Vizcarrondo, I was born a human that was meant to take that definition. I was made into Anabelle through learning and comprehension. I was made through a series of scenarios, so that the only human thing about me is my flesh, blood, veins, my heart my intestine, my mammal qualities that prevent me from being classified as anything else in the animal kingdom. So it's a matter of who I am, I know what I have become, and what got me here. In the end, everything was learned, so did I ever make anything for myself? A want for peace, well that was learned through a negative response twoards violence. A want for knowledge? Well that came from learning, and learning about those who don't want to learn, from learning about those who favor ignorance, from learning about those who established ignorance from disagreeing wich was taught to them from learning to agree, which was learned as a way of unison, wich was learned through battle learned from disagreeing, learned from...

What is mine to keep? I may start a new 'thread' of learning for my offspring, but that will be something I learned to accept/deject as a way I want them to know. Would it be me making my soul, my entity through what I deem pleasant and unplesant to me? Is that my claim? Is that it?

I don't want planets, I dont want land. I don't want money, I don't want possesions. I don't have a want to be powerful, I don't understand greed. I was established under guilt, stress, lonliness, abandonment and betrayal. This however did not make me into a violent dark person, it has brought me closer to understanding to my capacity. I have yet to even begin reaching maximum capacity however.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that I've never felt so stupid, numb ignorant and cold to learning as I have these past two years, and I want more than anything to wake up from this hellish nightmare before I am considered by America's standard to be "legal". I'm not going to worry about a car, I'm not going to care about a job, I'm not going to worry about stupid things like that until I am woken up.

 

Hopefully this could be understood.