Too Much Kryptonite

Dreams

when i was 5, i wanted to be a superhero 

i would bounce around walls, and use force to protect all

superman would visit me, and i would smile at him, and thin we'd defeat the Villans 

see, i didn't need anyone to play with, because i was happy with myself 

imaginary wars, and pretend heroism 

when i was 8, i wanted to be a soldier 

so i wrote stories about great adventures fighting a war

and through my words i soared high above burning landscapes 

and kept my people safe 

i mean, it didn't matter who i was fighting, as long 

as i was fighting, because that's what a hero did 

i wanted to be a hero 

and i wanted to save everyone around me 

when i was 11, i wanted to make people happy 

so i cracked jokes to pass the time 

and i would never rhyme 

and forced my parents to listen to the same s****y jokes day, after day, after day 

god i love them, becasue they laughed even after the thousandth time 

and i would smile and hug them as my heart grew from the sound of their chuckles 

i mean, i just wanted to make them happy 

when i was 14 i felt lost 

so i got a bike and go riding around in the woods 

i would zoom past hikers, discover new worlds, and find myself 

i found dirt paths leading to nowhere 

and i found it was comforting 

so i earned for a concrete jungle just waiting to be explored 

i wished to be isolated in nature with nothing but the trees around me 

i mean, i wanted to find myself, while searching the woods for answers 

so i sit 

at 17 

while looking back at everything i've ever wanted to be 

and how no matter what, how i feel that i would never be happy with, 

with just being me 

because instead of wanting to be a hero 

i desperately want someone to be a hero and save me from my own mind 

and instead of wanting to defeat the villains 

i want to defeat the Lex Luther that lives inside the superman of my own mind 

and to replace my want to be a soldier 

is a want to end my own mental country, and use bullets to do so 

and instead of wanting to tell jokes and make people laugh i just want them to hear me 

but they can't hear me over the sound of their laughter because i don't know how to breathe 

i don't know how to sing

i wish i knew how to sing 

because maybe if it sounded pretty they would hear my plea but they won't

because now i want my ,mountain bike to crash 

i don't want to explore the dirt i want to be buried in it 

i still wanna find myself but i wanna find it my way 

i don't want them telling me, directing me, instructing me 

pulling the corners of my mouth up in a crooked smile like 

i'm the puppet and they're the masters 

i just want to find what i'm seeking after 

because trust me, i still want to be a hero, and i still want to get the one

i just want to be remembered, and i want to be sure 

that when i throw myself off this building like superman waiting to fly 

that hopefully no one i love will shed too many tears and cry 

because i just want to be a hero 

and when i don't grow up 

i want to be a hero 

Reviews

[Boring~Potato]

This poem is a raw, powerful exploration of growing up and grappling with the conflict between youthful dreams of heroism and the haunting realities of inner turmoil. The speaker traces their journey from childhood aspirations to the present moment, where the dreams of saving others and being a hero have evolved into a deeper, more painful need to be saved from their own mind.

The opening lines are filled with nostalgic simplicity—an innocent longing for adventure and the power of a superhero. The speaker's younger self was confident, buoyed by an imaginative world where they were capable of anything, from defeating villains to bounding off walls. The playful tone at this stage is poignant, hinting at a time when the speaker's greatest worry was finding happiness in their own company.

As the speaker grows older, their aspirations shift. At 8, the desire to be a soldier is tied to a need for purpose, a sense of fulfillment in fighting for something greater. This transition is compelling as it speaks to the developing complexity of the speaker’s self-worth—fighting wars not just to win, but to feel like they mattered, to protect others, even if the enemy was unknown. The ambition to "save everyone" echoes the universal desire for significance, to make a difference in the world.

When the speaker turns 11, there's a notable shift toward seeking connection—"I just wanted to make them happy" stands out as a poignant realization. The repeated jokes and the laughter of their parents symbolize an attempt to create joy for others, to elicit warmth, but it also reveals a vulnerability. The humor is a facade, masking the inner desire for love, attention, and acknowledgment. The speaker's yearning for validation becomes more complex, and the line between making others happy and finding their own happiness blurs.

At 14, the speaker searches for solitude in nature, finding comfort in isolation and trying to "find themselves." The woods symbolize a safe place for exploration, but it also underscores an underlying sense of disconnection from society, a search for answers that seems ever elusive. There’s a sense of longing for escape, an escape from expectations and societal pressures that only grow as the speaker moves through their teenage years.

The turning point comes at 17, where the speaker's perspective has drastically shifted. Instead of dreaming of being a hero, they now seek an escape from their own mind. The dreams of grandeur give way to a deeper, darker struggle with mental health and the overwhelming desire to be saved. This transition is heartbreaking, as the speaker's internal battle becomes more pronounced, more urgent. The metaphor of defeating "the Lex Luthor that lives inside the Superman of my own mind" is both vivid and sorrowful, capturing the deep self-conflict of wanting to overcome the very mind that holds the speaker captive.

The closing lines are incredibly poignant, revealing a deep, aching despair. The desire for death is not just an end to suffering but a tragic plea for a hero, for someone to intervene, for someone to "hear" the speaker beyond the laughter of others. The lines, "I want to be a hero... when I don't grow up," echo a deep sense of unfulfilled potential and unresolved pain. The speaker's yearning for someone to save them, to understand them, makes the reader feel the weight of their internal struggle.

Overall, "When I Was" is a powerful exploration of the contrast between childhood dreams and the dark realities of mental illness. The poem navigates the complexities of wanting to matter, to be seen, and to be heard, all while grappling with the haunting feeling of not being able to save oneself. The progression from innocent superhero dreams to a desperate call for help speaks to the often-unspoken struggles that people face as they grow older. It’s a heartbreaking, beautifully written piece that captures the fragility of the human spirit and the overwhelming need for connection and understanding.