Let's go

this is the first chapter in my book called Demetrah's New Experience of Christmas. in this chapter, Demetrah and her best friend Maybell visit Demetrah's Aunt before they start heading out of town.

On the first day of December in Jackson Mississippi, a teenage girl loads her Hennessey Venom GT with her belonging for a long journey to West Fargo North Dakota. The young girl is known as Demetrah Ray. As her long blonde hair is perfectly fixed in a bun, her beautiful Hawaiian dress almost reaches her shoes. Demetrah's best friend Maybell is joining her on the long journey. Maybell is an emo girl Demetrah met in first grade, and she has been emo ever since she was 10. With her long black hair fixed into ponytail, Maybell wears a My chemical romance shirt and black skinny jeans. Maybell runs to Demetrah and asks "Hey Demetrah, are we ready to go?" Demetrah replies with a beautiful velvet voice  "Yes Maybell, we're set. I'll start the car." Demetrah just turned 16 in November, but Maybell doesn't turn 16 until December 19th. The girls got into the car, and started their journey. Suddenly, Demetrah's phone begins to speak "Call from Nikki." Demetrah's visually impaired, so she uses an app called Wireless accessibility on her android phone. Since Maybell is driving the car, Demetrah hooks up her phone to her car's Bluetooth system. Demetrah begins to speak into her phone's microphone "Answer call." With a voice of excitement, Nikki says "Hey, are you coming to get money for your journey? I have it on the counter in the kitchen, hopefully it will help you." Demetrah and Maybell chuckle, then Demetrah replies "Yes Aunt Nikki, we're coming. Maybell is driving since I can't drive." Nikki replies to Demetrah, and tells her "That's nice of her to help you. Make sure you have your cane with you, you'll need it." With a warm smile, Demetrah reassures Nikki that she has everything. Pulling up to a blue house with a beautiful garden, Maybell says to Nikki "We're here. Can you please bring the money out to us?" With a soft voice, Nikki says "Alright. I will bring it to you. Besides, I want to say goodbye to my beautiful niece." After hanging up the phone, Nikki jogs out to the car with a pink wallet full of money, Nikki sets it on Demetrah's lap. Nikki lifts Demetrah's hand, and says "Hey Demetrah, it's Aunt Nikki. I hope you have a wonderful time. come visit whenever you can." feeling the wallet full of cash, Demetrah kisses her aunt on the check and says "Thanks Aunt Nikki. Maybell and I will visit when we can. we will send you a postcard too." After they all say their goodbyes, Demetrah's car drives off out of Nikki's sight. As they drive, Demetrah pulls out a Kit-Kat pack and sets one down for her friend. "We're going to have so much fun on this journey." exclaims Maybell. "Oh my gosh! yes we are! being best friends, this is going to be a whole new experience for us." Maybell grabs Demetrah's hand and says "Remember Demetrah, we will have to stick together. Since you're visually impaired, I will help you every step of the way." "Let's listen to some music, and we better go put gas in the car before we head out." The teens agree, and they stop at their local Holiday station.  

Author's Note

ignore the name spelling. that's how I meant to spell it. hope you enjoy it.

Reviews

[Leon C]

Nice opening to the story.

Just a couple of points to think about.

Description - try to add a bit more description into your writing. Think about the detail, a few well chosen words can add so much depth to a story.

Information -Tell the reader about the gadget used. You know all about it, I'm sure, but the reader may not. A story can be educational as well as entertaining.

Formatting - I think a little more white space on the page would make this easier to read. Try putting dialogue on a new line. Check out how other writers cope with this. Empty space on a page really improves the look of a piece.

Minor things really. Good stuff