Riff Raff Rackus Becomes an Outlaw

A Story by Noah Bovier

Riff Raff Rackus was born in the hills, where he lived in a little shack with his Ma, and two little sisters named Red and Blue. Red liked to read, Blue liked to write, and Riff Raff played the guitar.

“Cut down on that racket, Riff Raff Rackus!”, his Ma would shout.

“I got one more song to play.”, he would say.

But Riff Raffs songs would go on for days.

Everyone in the hills loved to hear Riff Raff play his guitar. Sometimes Riff Raff would take his guitar down to the river to play so the water could enjoy the music.

Red and Blue would pick fruit out of the garden to feed to the animals in the forest. Everything was very pleasant in the hills.

Then one day a man came to town with a large top hat, and a pistol, which made him the law. He ate meat, so he made a law which said that he could kill all of the animals in the forest to eat them. He then made a law which said that people needed to buy things, so he cut down all the trees to make paper money. Then he made a law which said that every town had to build a sewer system that made all of the rivers dirty.

Most of the people just went along with The Mans laws. The man told them that they were going to progress. But nobody knew what they were progressing towards.

“Oh well.”, they said, “If The Man says we must progress, then we will do what he says. After all, he is the law.”

If the people did not obey The Man, he would take out his six-shooter and shoot them down. When The Man found out that Riff Raffs Ma didn’t have any money, which was against the law, he shot her down as well. After that, nobody disobeyed The Man ever again.

Riff Raff took Red and Blue, and ran off into the desert. They couldn’t go back to their old home ever again, because now they were outlaws. They didn’t like to hurt the air, trees, water, or animals, so The Man turned them into outlaws, because they went against the law.

Nobody even knew that they were outlaws until The Man told them. Before that, everyone just thought they were kids who liked to have fun, but then The Man told everyone that they were outlaws and then everyone knew it. “It’s a good thing The Man told us they were outlaws”, the people would say. “If it was not for The Man, we would never have known it, and those three outlaws would still be having fun right now!”

Pretty soon, everyone in the world was listening to The Man, and doing exactly what he told them to do. They were all eating meat, polluting the water, and spending lots and lots of money on things that they never knew that they needed, until The Man told them that they needed them.

The people were so grateful for The Man, that every time they made some money, they would give a little of it to The Man. Besides, The Man had made a new law that said that everyone had to give him some of their money any way.

Then The Man made another law that said that every town had to have some roads. The people would have to pay more money, but this was progress, so everyone paid more money to The Man. Then The Man made another law that said nobody could ride their horse on the roads, and now everyone had to buy cars. Cars were progress, so everyone spent lots and lots of money on cars. After that, The Man passed another law which made everyone in the world need a special license to drive their cars. This would cost more money, but it was progress, so everyone agreed. But that wasn’t all. The Man then told them that they needed to pay more money to insure their cars, in case they got in an accident. Nobody minded the law, and they all paid their money so they could drive their cars. But then everyone noticed that their cars wouldn’t start!

“What’s wrong with our cars?”, the people wondered.

“Stupid people, don’t you know that cars need fuel to work?” The Man said.

The people did not know that cars needed fuel, but they were happy that The Man told them, otherwise they would have never known.

“Where do we get the fuel from?”, the people asked

“You need to drill into the ground for it”, The Man told them. “This will cost lots of money, and hurt the land!”

But the people paid for it very quickly. They were all so happy that The Man showed them how to make their cars run.

Out in the desert, Riff Raff, Red, and Blue went on living their lives like they always had. If they were hungry, they would find some food that nobody else was eating, and they would eat it themselves. But then The Man said that it was against the law to eat food for free. He said that people had to pay money for food, and if nobody could pay for the food it had to go to the garbage dump. So pretty soon, the three little outlaws had to eat food out of the garbage dump, because they had no money to pay for it, but the man said that this also was against the law. People who snuck into the garbage dump were called “trespassers”, and trespassing was against the law.

Riff Raff was becoming upset by The Mans laws, but there was nothing he could do about it, so he decided he would just play his guitar instead. But nobody wanted to hear Riff Raff play any more.

“Your not famous enough to play good music, Riff Raff Rackus!” the people said. “You’re not famous, and you don’t make money from your music!”

Riff Raff didn’t know that people could be famous for playing music.

“That’s silly.” said Riff Raff. “Any old person can make music. Music isn’t worth any money.”

“Oh, yes it is!” the people said. “The Man made it against the law to listen to music for free!”

So Riff Raff could not play music any more.

Then one day Red, who liked to read, was reading, and she read that The Man was in town. The Man was in the middle of the street right now!

“I know” Red said, “I’ll go down and talk to The Man, and tell him how silly his laws are.”

So Red went down into the middle of the street to tell the man how silly his laws were. But The Man grabbed Red and put her in jail.

This made Blue sad, so Blue, who liked to write, wrote a letter to The Man telling him how silly his laws were. Then the man put Blue in jail too.

Now Riff Raff was all alone. His family was gone, and he was a wanted man.

“What should I do?” said Riff Raff. “All I wanted to do was have fun and make people happy.”

Then he thought of a great idea.

“I know what to do! I’ll let the man put me in jail! Then I can be with my family! And all the people will be happy too, because they think we are outlaws.”

So Riff Raff Rackus went to the man and said, “Here I am. Put me in jail.”

The Man was very happy.

“Ha ha ha. I’ve got you now, Riff Raff Rackus! You are an outlaw, and I’m going to put you in jail like I did to Red and Blue!”

So The Man put him in jail.

They all stayed in jail for a very long time. Once in a while, people would come to the jail to talk to Riff Raff. They would even put him on television! The Man made it a law that everyone had to have a television. They also needed electricity to make their televisions work. This costs lots of money, but it was progress, so everyone agreed to pay.

When Riff Raff was on television, he told everyone how silly The Mans laws were, but nobody listen to him.

“He’s just an outlaw!” the people said. “The Man has helped us progress. We love The Man!”

For many, many years, Riff Raff, Red, and Blue lived in jail while The Man made more and more laws.

Then one day, the people wanted to eat some meat. But all the animals had already been eaten. There was not any more animals for the people to eat.

“What are we going to eat?” the people asked each other. “I don’t know. The Man says that we must eat meat, but there is no more meat to eat.”

Then someone had an idea. “Let’s drive our cars around and see if we can find some more animals in another place.”

But when the people tried to drill for fuel out of the ground, they found out that there was no more fuel left in the ground.

“How are we going to drive our cars now?” the people asked each other. “I don’t know. The Man says we must drive cars, and we can not ride horses. Even if we could ride horses, they are all dead now.”

Then someone said, “Let’s all swim in the river to see if we can find more animals to eat, and fuel to drill out of the ground.” Everyone agreed that this was a good idea, and they all ran to the river. But when they got to the river, they realized that the river was too dirty to swim in, and it would make them sick if they swam in it.

“How can this be?” the people asked. “The Man told us that we were progressing. But now we have destroyed our world.”

Then The Man showed up. “Ha ha ha! I fooled you all!” The Man said. “I told you all that you were progressing, but I never told you what you were progressing towards. Now I have all of your money, and you have nothing!”

Then The Man ran away with all of their money, and the people had no more trees to make paper money.

“What are we going to do now?” the people asked each other. “We have been living by The Mans law for so long that we have all forgotten how to take care of ourselves!”

Then some one had an idea.

“I know. Let’s go ask Riff Raff Rackus! He knows how to take care of himself, and maybe he will help us!”

So all the people went to the jail and they freed Riff Raff, Red, and Blue. The people now knew that they were not really outlaws after all. They were only outlaws because of The Mans silly laws. If it was not for The Mans silly laws, they would never have been outlaws.

Riff Raff, Red, and Blue were very happy to be free again, and since the people had learned their lesson, they agreed to help the people learn how to be free themselves once again.