Fighting Fire with Fire

i'm starting to feel like i used to feel, back when i didn't.


everything that happens is like a giant, flashing, neon sign saying i'm going the wrong way....
they tell me
"don't bother with this, or them, they're just trying to slow you down. trying to distract you. forget about this and stop being so dependent.

"

i got a slap in the face tonight.


a reality check.


i went to a show with my friend who's on leave from the army...stationed in south korea. he's leaving in 3 days so i was trying to enjoy an experience with him before he was gone for another 6 months or so...
we went together, but we didn't leave together.



i guess getting laid is higher up on his to do list.


he probably thinks that i'll "understand" or whatever.


and i do... but that's beside the point.



i know i told him " you can't worry about anyone's feelings but your own... you're only responsible for you. If someone gets upset or angry because of something you did...it's not your fault, it's their's.

"

but now that it's me that's upset at him...i'm gonna be a huge hypocrite and flip the f**k out.



not really...but ...ya know... it just goes to show you that, no matter what's going on.... you can't depend on anyone.



he totally ditched me to go screw some chick he met at the show... the show was at a bar.



i had to find other means of transportation in order to get home.



it really wasn't that big of a deal ...as far as the actual event itself...
but under the circumstances...it made me pretty upset.



i mean....
A. if it was some girl that he was after for a long time...or that he actually cared about a little bit maybe...i would probably have said "no problem"
B. things at home are........questionable to say the least.


C. i thought it was just gonna be us having a fun time at a rock show...(which, is my bad for having expectations.

)

and those are enough for now...

i don't want to go into all the endless things my workaholic mind can come up with about this.


largely due to the fact that i'm tired and i don't want to type that much...

but it's just.....like.....

he's no different than all the other people that i've severed my ties with over the years...
none of my friends are any different.


neither is my wife...
neither are my parents,
neither is my boss,
neither am I.



and I see it.



and it makes me just want to take all the drugs i can get my hands on.


and vandalize things.


and be an a*****e to people for no reason.


and yell
and drink until i puke

i realize....
i don't know anything other than what i see with my eyes...

everything else...is trust.


and if it breaks...
and i shut my eyes.


what's left?

all i know is what other people tell me.


and of course...they're gonna try and paint pretty pictures.



i don't know where to turn, other than inward.


but ...without all of them... there isn't much to me.




all of my friends make jokes about me being married.


and i don't know if they're really joking.



my wife ....is resentful of me, for more things than anyone who's married to someone should be.



my family....
is shattered and scattered.



who am i?
what's left?

i have a calling...
but could i ever sacrifice enough
to pursue it?

what's the point in pursuit when all the people you care about aren't looking or even showing their true colors?

what's the point in ambition if nothing really means anything to anyone?

i hope this is just another wave of apathy that will pass like the days.


maybe i should go to a doctor and get some happy pills.



it seems to work for the rest of the world.



i'm too broke for that.



they say money can't buy happiness.



but that saying was thought up before anti-depressants.



i wonder if they actually make you happy, or if they just make you care even less.



because i'm not really depressed...
but i don't think fighting fire with fire is the best strategy for apathy.

Reviews

[Hedra Helix]

thanks for letting me into your head, what can i say? thats a common scenario and i identify riddiculously and it fluctuates day by day too, though its always the same.
It hard to live in a world thats falling down.
Its hard to remain the you you want when everyone else is tilted.
perspective is a blessing wrapped up in a b***h;)

hey! but this was a fun a*s read, so thank you for that.
wish we both had solid (is that the right word?) friends but outside of grammar school relationships I dont even know if that exists.
man i miss the days of knockin on the door to see if they could play,
everyday single day the same, the playground and the sun.