Day of the Gear Master

Another nonsensical journey into absurdity. This time involving bears. with sniper rifles.

Warning : May contain words. May incite confusion. Do not take if pregnant or ill.
Warning : Do not read without epic music.

Ingredients : IB prophin. Red bull extract. Sleep madness. Coke, Fruitopia, Miss Vicky's chips. WoW. Fingers. Non-educational porn. Pendulum. red dye # 2.



K-chk. He reloaded his TRG-22 sniper rifle. Peering down the scope, sweat racing down his brow, he took aim of his prey. The man was running out of the woods like a cat out of a bath tub. His arms flailed wildly. The gun fired and the echo reverberated off the pine trees. The young man's arm was hit. He barrel-rolled violently do the ground. Blood poured forth like a broken beaver dam in the middle of summer. K-chk. The bear reloaded his sniper.


The man suddenly exploded into fire and rolled around into the ocean that suddenly appeared before him. He turned into a fish and swam into the sun. Other stuff happened.

This is the story of a bear with a sniper. No, a short story.

Will was workin at his crummy loblaws or superstore or Diminion or whatever when Chris burst in through the wall and shouted,
" Ugly! We have a problem! ". Will wasn't phased.
" Teh f**k? That better not come out of my paycheck you a*****e. What you do want?". His left eye floated away into oblivion.
" There's a Bear on the loose! " he said in a half-mad drawl. spittle flying from his nostrils.
" So go kill him. "
" I can't! HE HAS A SNIPER RIFLE! " and at that moment his head exploded into a mist of red blood and he fell over dead.

" Oh shiiiii - " will cried as the roof came down on him. Above him was the Bear, with his sniper tied around his back and a sawn-off shotgun in his hand. It let out a huge growl and was about to pull the trigger when will turned into an inflatable piñata of a crocodile and floated out the broken wall. He floated to Nick's house which was like 100 miles away. when he got there he turned back into an ugly person and knocked on the door.

Chaulticus's mom came to the door.
"hello? "
" yeah, is nick home? "
" Oh yeah, lemme go get him." she said as she disappeared out of sight. Will was left standing there alone in the cold January air. He was completely naked except for pants, shoes, socks, a black band shirt and a coat. His face was freezing from all the heat. After a few moments Chault's mom returned.
" Oh he's sleeping. want me to wake him? "
" uh.. sure." Will mumbled. unfortunately she forgot that will was there and walked toward the van and drove off to teh supermarket. Will was confused but walked into the front door.

" CHAULT. wake up! " he yelled. He went upstairs and found nick asleep on top of the tv. He walked up to him and hit him with a large fish.
" Yum. " nick said. He got dressed into a giant red blood stained chicken mascot suit.
" Whats up? "
" we're starring in a horribly written fanfic at 8 am and Chris has lost all sense of english skills. " NIck nodded and said,
" yeah i can tell. what you just said made no sense. ". Then they shared a cup of coffee which was 600% bourbon.
" Know whats funny? I aint even gonna read it all cause IM A LAZY JACKASS AND I DONT READ " said will. Nick laughed because he was going to read all of this but probably not comment. Anyway, angry writer's commentary aside, WIll explained to nick how chris was killed by the Bear with a sniper and shotgun.

" S**t that sucks. I guess we could rez him or something. " Nick said.
" yeah, i don't think jess wants a zombie for a boyfriend. ". They both laughed for a few hours until they calmed down and opened a portal to Dalaran, which opened a portal to orgrimmar, which they were stuck at because there was no more mages to open a portal to loblaws/diminion/whatever the f**k. Then will's hearthstone cooldown refreshed and they went back to his work.

Meanwhile the bear was setting up traps around the dead corpse of our dearly beloved author. The stench was quite bearable, something between strawberries and cemetary. WHich is surprisngly not that bad. The bear with a sniper and shotgun roared his grizzly bear roar and got a fake bush and hid in the butchery aisle.

The two would-be candid heroes hearthed at the supermarket or whatever the f**k and looked around. Everybody was dead except for 7 people in check-out, the butcher, a baby seal in titanium pun, will's boss, the district attourney of Canada, and themselves. Next to nick was a very suspcious bush. Nick looked up at the last paragraph because he is a cheater ninja like that and discovered that it was a trap. He peered into the bush but the bear wasn't there. THen he noticed there were thousands of bushes in the store.
"F**k" was all he could say before his arm was blasted off by a sniper round. K-chk.

Will started doing something pointless in the corner as nick used a phoenix down on chris. Fire exploded everywhere and stuff happened. Then chris was alive again but he was a useless zombie and wandered off.

The bear looked down his scope and it aimed upon Will. He took aim, but his OCD kicked in when he realised that Chris was walking again. The bear had a horrible case of OCD in which he had to shoot people in alphabetical order, IN order of appearance.

Nick/Chault used his ninja skills to detect a fragment of distortion in the fabric of Science and spotted where the bear was.
" Will he's over there! "
" k. "
" What you're not gonna help?"
" what do i look like? someone who's not lazy?"
" stop being willurobi, and be willidan for f**k's sake. " THis made will slightly irritated so he jumped anime style with generic flashing low budget background into the bear's bush. He then had his head blown off by a shotgun which the bear was holding.
" poop " said will's head as it soared out the door. His boss yelled at him for leaving on the job before his shift was over.

Now i have to go eat so I'm gonna wrap this up.

Chault went into options and turned on hardcore mode.
" I know what you're after, you stupid bear " Nick said.
" rawrrlgjge;;ee " the bear replied. In bearinese he said : you mawfucka. How'd you figure out i was after a perfect COD score?
Stuff ensued. Nick shot the bear with his gun making " pyoo pyoo " noises and hit the bear. He lost his 153 kill streak.
" argh. "

Then there was a plot twist and the bear took off his suit and it was Jess.
" omfg i thought you hated COD? " nick said confused.
" I do, but it was worth it to see you so confused! " she laughed. and then jess in a bear suit, nick in a red chicken suit, will with no head, and zombie chris all went back to his house for tremors marathon.

THE END.

Author's Note

This was just an old silly story I wrote for friends, but the general public is welcome to read it. contains.. foul language ;o and horrible purposeful spelling and grammar mistakes