[untitled]

Again, written after my mother left.

You're long gone now
And there's no turning back
But I still love you
Can't change that fact
You're engraved in my mind
And I cant replace you
It'd be hard to find
Another you
Every day is a struggle
A new challenge for me
Life has changed for the worst
It's not at all easy
Sometimes at night
I close my eyes
And I still hear your voice
I don't understand why
Why you left
Why you never said goodbye
When I think about you
All I can do is cry
I never thought this would happen
Nothing like this, not even close
But I guess the ones closest to you
Are the ones you don't know the most
I can't see you, mommy
I wake up and you're gone
You're never home, never here
Tell me, what went wrong?
Do you still think of me, of us?
Do you love the ones you left?
I know I never said it to you
"I love you" is a secret I kept
While I was growing up
You were always here
You started disappearing more
Each and every year
We went to the movies once
We never went again after that
You said you couldn't take me
Couldn't sit still, it hurt your back
You started getting moody
Closer to the end
And all I ever wanted
Was a mother and a friend
I wanted to be close to you
I tried and tried again
I wasn't good enough I guess
To be a daughter and a friend
I made so much effort
I tried my very best
It wasn't good enough though
I wasn't enough, I guess
I've been through so much
Since you've been away
I got sick and you weren't there
For the first time in so many days
I felt like you didn't care
I wanted to wake you up
So you could sit with me that day
So you could hold back my hair
And say it'd be okay
But when I opened the door
Your side of the bed was empty
You weren't there
Where did you go, mommy?
Why didn't you stay?
You should still be with us
Why'd you go away?
You didn't even say goodbye
It's weird without you here
You've taken so much from us
A piece of me left with you
And we all have broken hearts
I've cried in the past few months
More than I have in my lifetime so far
And as time goes by
Life gets harder than hard
Sometimes I look in the mirror
And I try to see you
The reflection I see though
Looks like someone I never knew
It doesn't look like me
It doesn't look like you
It looks like someone hurt and broken
Someone totally new
You have missed so much, mommy
My first prom, my sweet sixteen
We planned my party for months
But it turns out, that was a dream
It didn't happen like it should have
Instead I had no party
I had to turn into what I lost
I had to be a mommy
My sister has no hope
My father isn't well
My brother keeps it inside
And we're all going through hell
I don't know how you managed
You knew this would ruin us all
You held us all up, you see
But now you're gone, and we must fall
We're like a broken vase
That you dropped on the floor
Now the glue is gone
We're not sticking together anymore
We had no warning
We hand no clue
I can't believe you did this
How could you?
I'm supposed to talk to someone
Who better to listen than you?
The one who caused my problems
The one I thought I knew
I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know who I am anymore
I've changed so much, mommy
Since you walked out the door
Everything is so much different
I feel so much worse than before
Sometimes I hate being here
But it's not about me anymore
It's about my daddy
He's become my hero
My brother and my sisters
My importance is close to zero
I care for them more than anything else
Nothing can take me away
I won't walk out like you did
I could never, not any day
Tears are running down my face
As I write this to you
I really don't understand this
I don't know what to do
I don't sit with you anymore
And watch our favorite shows
I don't make you your morning coffee
I don't help pick out your clothes
I can't help cook dinner
I have to do it alone
I would have never guessed
You'd leave us on our own
You're gone now, mommy
I'm in a broken home
Even when I'm with people
I feel so alone
I don't know what I'll do now
Sometimes I feel like you
I'm becoming someone I'm not
I don't want to be like this too
When we packed some of your things
I found a lot of memories
I'll always keep them close
I'll always carry them with me
On top of everything you've done
The things to took and broke apart
You should know that when you left
You took a huge piece of my heart
I know it's not much
But it's the best I can give to you
After all the stuff you've done to us
It's crazy, but I still love you.
I will always remember the times we shared
The times you were with me
When you took me out and we were together
All those times we were happy
Long car rides and shopping trips
Holidays and summer breaks
Christmas gifts and family meals
Sharing books and birthday cakes
The times we went camping
Trips to the beach and the zoo
I remember all these times
Times I was happy, times I had you
I've never been so afraid
So scared to be like you
I don't want to have a family
And do this to them too
It's hurtful and heartbreaking
It's an awful thing to deal with
I guess since you didn't want help
We just have to cope with it
You're gone now, mommy
That's why I shed each tear
We're going to have to get used to it
Life without you here
I might look okay sometimes
I'll have a smile on my face
But me being truly happy
Is hard to see these days
Once in a while I'm in a good mood
That's not often at all though
Some people think I am
But how I really feel
No one will ever know
I can't do things I used to do
I move so sadly, so slow
The ones closest to my heart
Are the only ones who really know
I have so many questions for you
None you will answer though
You say you don't want to hurt me
You don't want me to know
I have something to tell you mommy
In case you don't already know
When you left us, you hurt me badly
The bruises just might not show
How do you sleep at night?
Do you have nightmares like I do?
Why wouldn't you come home?
What did we ever do to you?
I haven't heard from you at all
I haven't seen you in months, mommy
It's too late for you to come home
But could you say goodbye to me
I don't want to lose you
But I fear I already have
Now I'm left with my siblings
And my wonderful, loving dad
I do not have a mother, really
And I never thought this would happen
But you've been gone for far too long
And I can't keep that spot open
I hate that you're not here
I hate that I won't wake up and see you
I hate that we can't be a family
And I hate that there's nothing I can do
I feel so helpless, mommy
I feel like I should be able to fix us
That can't happen though
We've lost all hope and trust
I hate to be alone
I don't like the way life is now
I don't know why this happened
I really don't know how
It's hard for me to let go
I wish I didn't have to
I don't have a choice though mommy
I've already lost you
There's no turning back
At this point, not a chance
You won't be here when I graduate
Or when I got to my first big dance
You should have come home sooner
We could have worked things out
I know things would have been okay
I don't have a doubt
We could have been a family
Us children, you and daddy
Now it's too late
And you've left us all unhappy
There's nothing anyone can do
Not me or daddy, not even you
Not anymore, you lost your chance
We'll just have to move on to life without you
It's hard to adjust
It's terrible and I can't cope
To be quite honest mommy
I still have a little hope
I dream of you coming home
I have nightmares that you're gone forever
Then there are night I dream dreams
And in the morning I can't remember
I want so badly for you to be here
I know that will never be the case
I want you to come home mommy
I miss waking up to your face
Last time you said you love me
I believed you for that time
Then you left and all I could think
Was, did she mean it or did she lie?
There are things in life that are never simple
This should never have happened though
I thought we were a family
But now I don't think so
It's hard to tell you these things
You really did hurt me, you hurt me so much
I still don't want to hurt you though
I do love you and such
I went to the library not long ago
And the woman downstairs remembered me
She remembered me from when you took me there
She asked me how things have been
I didn't tell her you were gone
I didn't say I was hurt and upset
I said things were okay
I picked up my books and left
Just remember mommy
I'm never going to forget you
I'm sorry it had to be this way
I miss you and I love you.

Reviews

[We are young.]

wow this is amazing, When I clicked on it, I was liek woah this is long, but when I began to read I didn't want it to stop. I am so sorry if this is true. It truly made me cry. I love the emotion you put into this.