My Story

This is another one about my past...

My melatonin pill certainly hasn’t helped me

So I sit on my bed and write

Insomnia possesses my body

And I can’t sleep for the rest of the night

Tears streak my cheeks at five a.m.

I’ve been holding my emotions in all day

Trying to act like I don’t listen to them condemn

All I can do is hold in everything I have to say

But I do have things to say that I know I’ve said before

My innocence was murdered when I was a child

Everyone treated me like I was a w***e

So I just shut my mouth and smiled

I can tell you stories most seventeen-year-olds couldn’t

I’ve been hospitalized for committing my sins

I’ve been through things a child shouldn’t 

It’s like I could never get any wins

I let their words get to me

I let the darkness consume who I am

I changed me and what they see

Outside, I pretended like I didn’t give a damn

I wanna get away from this life

I want to leave

Sometimes I want to turn to the knife

When my soul becomes cleaved

So here’s part of my life’s story:

From ages nine to fourteen, I was sexually abused

Over and over and over again

I got used to being used

 I never knew what to do with my body after then

I’d let anyone use my body for their pleasure

Feeling like I was nothing inside

And if I didn’t please them, there was pressure

So it was always happiness I tried to provide

When I was twelve-years-old, I got hit by a car

Flew eighty feet away and five feet in the air

Left with forehead and arm and ankle scarred

Why must life be so unfair?

When I was fourteen I was thrown in a place

Where I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys

They treated me as a disgrace

They kept sharp objects away and took away my joys

I stayed there for a while, compared it to a prison

While I watched the other girls with slits in their wrists

Yes, there were councilors yet no one would listen

Other people there, wishing they’d never exist

I’ll give y’all a break from listening to my life’s story

But I really think the rest is to be seen

I’ve tried to not go into detail, tried not to be too gory

I’ll let y’all click on something else on ya screen

Thanks for listening...bye :)

Author's Note

I was really hesitant when writing this one...I haven't written about my past in a while...
I tried to make it
True, raw, uncut,
Or at least get outta this writing rut

Thoughts?

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A powerful opening poem my dear friend. The words were honest, hard and the reader could feel and understand the pain. You are right. After a time. We can get use to anything. Thank you for sharing the powerful words and your thoughts.
Coyote

[emmajoy]

A tragedy, to say the least. Yet... someone who can write as you have shows defiance, honesty, guts and more. You carry a past that for most would eat into a fragile spirit but and yet.. you're not hiding, you're walking, holding the quill and saying, 'This is me, was broken but hey, am walking forward... '

'. All I can do is hold in everything I have to say~ But I do have things to say that I know I’ve said before~ My innocence was .. .. '

[Kaylor Mason]

Wow. I cannot begin to comprehend what you went through. This is definitely raw enough. You are a very strong survivor. I can relate to some of it, especially the part about being dehumanized and the coldness of doctors and counselors, but I guess I am even more reticent about writing about my past--some wounds should never be reopened. (At least for me--others find remembering things and talking about them therapeutic. For me, I just spend my life trying to forget, forming armor around my heart.) Perhaps I'm wrong in that; I don't know. But I know this is a strong poem, and any review I could give it would not do it justice. You have my utmost respect.

[Wherearemysocks]

I like honest people.Honesty is something that never worked for me.People that are honest enough always get used or worse abused.But I have high respect for both you and this poetry.It takes guts to show what you really are to the world.

[Haley]

What a bold piece that speaks of your bravery. You've managed to weather through the storms so far, and you will continue to weather those storms. I am here for you as I have struggled with some of the same things, but I think this writing it a wonderful outlet and you capture the rawness and the pain as well as self-esteem issues that come with trauma. It's a beautiful piece about something terrible.

[Einstein Noodle]

I think you are brave. I think there is an eloquence in the rawness .. your life is meaningful .. you did nothing "wrong" ... and you are not alone. i am on the fence as to the efficacy in using the different colors .. the greens, especially V7 and your closing are difficult to see in focus .. but i am old and have bifocals ;) ......... I don't think you should ever stop telling your story as long as it remains in you to tell it. I think its important for all of us actually; but especially for those who have suffered abuse ... just within the small circle of people i know at least 30% have experienced abuse of one kind or another .. and all of them women. i am a retired RN and working in a profession that is mostly women .. perhaps skews that number; but i bet it is close to the National average .. and in reality most likely much greater as there is a reluctance to report such things. You be well, my friend and stay safe in all this covid junk

[AJNJ]

A very heartrending poem recited in a very eloquent and elegant way. My heart goes out to you. Please be brave. Tomorrow is beautiful.

[T.S. Ulmus]

It's such a very touching piece, I just wish I weren't true. I wish the same wasn't true a thousand times over across this country. You are not alone and you are worth more than your body, you have an amazing mind.
Also, on the technical side you stick the rhymes pretty well.

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

That is truly heart breaking. I was sexually abused for years as a child too, so I can relate to the feelings you felt and were going through. Everyone has their fair share of heart break and raw pain. But it is important to remember that your never alone in this world even if it feels like it. I think you were brave to open up about you’re past because it opens up to others who have gone through something similar and are able to all come together and help other. As well as inspire others that if you and I can get though something that traumatising then anyone else can arise from the darkness and overcome it.

I love the read. ❤️

[Nix is typing...]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, too. What in the hell is wrong with people that like to do that? It's so sick! Thank you for opening up to me. :) Sometimes I feel brutally alone, like no one would ever love me for anything other than my body...but then I read comments like this, and I don't feel so alone. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through this, too. I'm glad you loved the read, though. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. :)

Nix ❤️

[♔ CrownedDevil ☾]

You’re very welcome. ☺️❤️ Things like that just makes us stronger.

[Ballpark Frank]

This is heart breaking....I am so sorry. Its good to get this stuff down though I think. I hope things are better now?

[Nix is typing...]

Thanks for the read and review, Frankie :) I think it's good to get my emotions down, too.