Smile Like A Cheshire Cat

I had no idea what to name this one.

Y’all ever put on a fake smile 

When you’re really screaming inside?

Feel like you’re drowning in self-doubt 

And self-hatred so you hide?

“C’mon, Nix, let’s see that smile!”

I’ll put on my mask and pretend like I’m happy

When inside, I really feel like bile

Sometimes, I honestly feel like I’m trash

Can anyone relate?
Nah, I’m sure you all love yourselves

Well, I guess that’s just great!

I’ve written about things pretty hard to digest

Inspiration seems to come best to me

When I’m feeling depressed

I’m really not that smart

Despite what some of y’all think

My self-esteem got thrown in the ocean

My self-worth got poured down the sink

It’s enough to make me wanna pick up a drink

Just know: If I smile at you, 

It’s probably fake

I’ll look content on the outside

But inside I’m thinking, “I’m just a mistake”

Most 17-year-olds are out with friends, 

Enjoying life

What am I doing?

Confined to my room, nothing to do but write

It’s okay though,

I love the reviews

Makes me feel like other people feel alone, too

I feel like I write too much about my past traumas

While Ts’s over there 

Feeding a lightbulb to a llama

Always feeling like people won’t relate

Always feeling like my writings aren’t great

But I still write

And I still post

And still feel like no one will ever know who I am

I pour my heart and soul into my poems

And I still feel like a sham...

Author's Note

So...I know the Ts line is gonna confuse some of y'all, "While Ts’s over there, feeding a lightbulb to a llama" that was referring to something I read that T.S. Ulmus wrote about feeding a camel a lightbulb, and trying to blend a llama...or something? So I switched it to "feeding a lightbulb to a llama" simply because it rhymed with trauma.
Tell me what y'all think!! ❤️

Reviews

[T.S. Ulmus]

I love the title you went with. The poem reads very smoothly and, as usual, you have something to say. For clarity's sake, my line was "I fed a light bulb to a walrus and tried to put a llama in a blender". But your poetic license isn't expired yet so you can do as you please. Wait? Are you even old enough to get a poetic license? Just kidding, I read your other stuff and you definitely passed the test. It mostly involves suffering.

[duff]

There are sharp and clever lines throughout. Full of unique personality that has energy yet tells a story with a pace that captures the readers eye. I love your title. Smiling while typing. Nice work.

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you so much, Duff!!! I appreciate the read and review!!!

[Helen]

People definitely relate - I do anyway and I love your poetry - it has an energy to it, no matter what the topic. I too have a habit of matching my insides with other people's outsides!

I don't like the picture though, it's a bit too creepy for me 🙂

[Nix is typing...]

Haha, that's okay, we all have our preferences. Thank you so much for loving my poetry! I always put a lot of thought into my works and I'm always hoping for people to love them!! Thank you so much for your review, Helen. ❤️

[Kari Rakitan]

One of the few nice things about Covid is that wearing a physical mask is easier than forcing a smile. I rarely wore a mask during my school years, but when I did, it was mostly to hide menstrual pain. I don't miss those days at all.

[Just Kim]

Such an emotional read, nicely expressed

[barleygirl]

I couldn't agree more. I've put on a feeble smile for many people over the years & it has taken me all these years to realize I was faking it. It's good to fake it some. Ya never know where a bogus smile might lead. It could go into a positive direction sometimes. But I agree that many times we are just faking that smile & you've painted a word picture of what that looks like (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Words of Wisdumb]

I like this. Life is all about pretending. If you pretend your happy long enough you might even fool yourself into believing you are. Writing is like making stew. Feel free to season to taste with Llamas and traumas.

[Nomo]

"I’ll put on my mask and pretend like I’m happy

When inside, I really feel like bile

Sometimes, I honestly feel like I’m trash"

There are times where its okay to feel like trash but understand, our minds are weak yet strong. You have a strong mind. You write beutifully and confindantly even if it is a hard topic. Putting on a mask is okay as long as you have a person to take off the mask with. I love this peom bacause you captured so many emotions into such few sentences.

[Nix is typing...]

I have a person or two that I take the mask off with, which makes me feel good when I can't hold that fake smile anymore. I appreciate your review, Nomo!!! ❤️

[Cassie]

You are a good writer...Repeat that after me...plus you are so young and good things are ahead of you. keep hope alive.

[Nix is typing...]

Lol, um...okay?
I am a good writer. ❤️

Your review is so sweet!! Thank you so much, Cassie!! ❤️