My Past

This combines a lot of material from my previous works, like My Trauma, Society's Rules, and Therapy session, with some new material, too. I hope y'all like!

Typing up all this s**t from my past

Made me realize

That I was traumatized

Yeah, I had a rough past

And I envy those who haven’t

I’ve done stupid s**t

That I honestly wish I hadn’t

Brainwashed as a child to think things I shouldn’t

To not care when a person touches me

Wished I could say words that I couldn’t

Wished to speak up when I was uncomfortable

Wished that I brought more to the table

Waiting for my demise

Waiting for a surprise 

Hoping that one day

I won’t have to wait

Oversized hoodie on

Better watch my weight

Don’t forget about love, now

Don’t forget to keep the silence

Oh, wait,

I grew outta that, 

Now, it’s time for some violence!

Rise up against the hate

Against the people who hurt me

Fend for others having to do

All the same s**t I had to go through

Don’t remember much from before I turned twelve

Sorry, got hit by a car, not much on to dwell

Got a concussion

Lost so many thoughts

Still, remember what that man did to me

Lucifer, in Hell, I hope he rots

I was only nine years old!

S**t, man, I was just a little kid!

I didn’t know what was happening!

When he did what he did!

That man murdered my innocence!

God, that’s just SICK!

Wish I could get payback an’ cut off his - 

*Shakes head in frustration*

I didn’t ask for it to happen

I didn’t ask to be hurt

Sure, he didn’t bruise me,

But I wear what he did like a scar

He kept doing things to me

Even after I was hit by a car

I try not to write about s**t like this

It’s honestly hard to put down

Brings back memories that I try to drown

But it’s my past 

It’s my trauma

Mom and Dad always wondered why I got in so much drama

I never said a word

They didn’t know a thing ‘bout my life

Until the principal called one day, 

Got caught in a cloud of vape

“It was my boyfriend’s!

It wasn’t mine!”

“You had a boyfriend, and you didn’t tell us this whole time?”

Oops, guess some things just tend to slip my mind

I knew they’d break us up, if they ever found out

So, of course, ‘bout it, I shut my mouth

My word hole’s not a fountain, from it, words don’t need to spout

But my poem’s are my blood

They help me grow and sprout

You cut open my soul

And finally I bled

Out came my poems

And I still can’t clear my head…

Author's Note

Let me know how y'all feel about this one! :)

Reviews

[Oydrin]

Now this is imagery! I appreciate the brutal honesty. And I sympathize with the terrible things you've been through as described in these poems.

Not that I'm being insensitive -- maybe not this poem in particular if you're not yet comfortable with it, but have you ever performed any of your works? It has a very spoken word vibe.

Keep writing! Keep getting healed.

[Nix is typing...]

Performed? As in... been through it?

[Nix is typing...]

Or performed as in... said it in front of an audience?

[Oydrin]

In front of an audience, I meant. I think it has a spoken word performance vibe. But I understand this is very personal and quite traumatic, the content. I was just curious if you had perhaps read any of your poems in front to an audience.

Keep writing! :)

[Nix is typing...]

I've never read in front of people, I have huge stage fright and I don't think people would like the content of my writing. My voice would crack like a wet log in a fire if I saw someone walking out of the room because of my poetry. My insecurities like to eat me from the inside out and that's why I haven't

[Oydrin]

I see. Anyway, here's to more honest poems. I support you in sharing your experiences to assure people that they are not alone in their suffering.

Keep getting healed, and keep healing others with you poetry. More power! :D

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you for your support!! ❤️

[Mr. D]

Thus you realize how much people in this world totally suck. But maybe that won't deter you from wanting to be just like them...

But as you can see, people in this world do, in fact, suck, and always will. That is why I walk among society, not with them. But you can't be like me.

[barleygirl]

There are many life details in your story that will be relatable by many. I was abused in my childhood & when I write about it, it's sad how many people speak up & say they were also abused. First & foremost, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry to say you will probably carry the scars all your life, as I still do, at age 64. You are obviously a strong person & you're going to fight your way thru whatever issues this has planted in your life. The way you write about the tough stuff reveals an irresistible combination of fighting spirit & warm compassion within you. I love that you're not raging like I was for so many years. Here's wishing you an ever-buoyant spirit as you throw down your truths & see what various readers respond with! Very brave & honest writing! (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Nix is typing...]

I'm so sorry you were abused in your childhood, too, Miss Margie!! I figured I was going to have to carry those scars for the rest of my life, which I've learned to deal with over the years. Your reviews always put warmth in my heart!! Thank you so much for reviewing!!

[red93]

Agree with Oydrin, Nix - this is strong powerful up front out there Spoken Word material, of the type that Poetry Slam audiences will totally relate to.

[Nix is typing...]

Well, I'm seventeen and living with my parents right now, maybe when I move out and am on my own, I'll go to a Poetry Slam somewhere. But my confidence in front of people is still pretty shakey so...idk, maybe. "My Trauma" (Another poem I wrote) is a lot like this one, it features less stuff and singles out one of the things that are mentioned here. Thank you so much for your review! ❤️

[red93]

I understand. But public performance is like riding a bike, and once you get used to speaking your Word aloud, you will never look back.

[Nix is typing...]

I'll definitely keep that in mind, Red. :)

[wordman]

today is a new day,the first day of forever,the past is just that,move on life is waiting

[Nix is typing...]

Thanks for your review, Wordman :)

[wordman]

you`re welcome

[genocide]

Keep writing that is so sad that you had to go through that.sounds like you’ve been through hell.

[Nix is typing...]

Yeah, I've been to hell and back, now I just vacation there. 😆 Thanks for your review, Genocide!!!!! ❤️

[Just Kim]

Emotional read, very well expressed

[Nix is typing...]

Thank you, Kim! Reading your things, I know you've been through things, too, and I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. Thanks for reviewing :))

[T.S. Ulmus]

Hard to comment, I read this, it moved me.

[Nix is typing...]

As I've said before T.S., I love your reviews, whether wordy or... not so wordy! I'm glad my poem moved you to the point where you couldn't even find words. :)) Thank you so much for reviewing!! ❤️

[Laz K.]

Writing is one of the best forms of coping and therapy.
You've been through a lot, and putting it down on paper and getting it out of your system is the best way to slowly integrate these experiences into your psyche.

Anyway, you already know that, so just wanted to say, "Write on!"

[Nix is typing...]

Lol, thanks! I've written a lot of stuff about my past, it's really helped me figure some things out. Or at least get the word out there that people who've been through what I have aren't alone. Thanks for your review!!

[Kari Rakitan]

This helps to put more context on the other poems. You could put them all into a collection and make a book.

[Nix is typing...]

Thanks for your review!! I'm glad this helped clear things up for you :)