The Untitled.

The Untitled.

One foil flower by the staircase
One sodium lamp by the window.
Is a room of people, all it takes?
To make a gloomy day bloom?

The second floor's pink quiet
The dents of hail are forever on our roof.
Will the wind blow the blinds away?
Will the crying quiten the rain?

Somewhere, a little feather dipped into ink
Somewhere, it drew on a yellowing sheet.
I hope a room of people is all it takes
To make a gloomy day bloom.

Reviews

[Surya]

Words you prefer, And the flow you get into is pretty good.

[Nirupama.H]

Thank you.

[Coyote Poetry]

I liked the places you took me with. We need things that make a room bloom and life shine. Gentle flow of thoughts held great story. Thank you Nirupama for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot for always encouraging me with your comments!

[Coyote Poetry]

I love your work and you are welcome.

[Emily]

I like your choice of words!
Keep on writing!!

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks Emily!

[iamshadowine]

Somewhere, a little feather dipped into ink
Somewhere, it drew on a yellowing sheet.
I hope a room of people is all it takes
To make a gloomy day bloom.

These lines made me smile :)
Keep writing

[Nirupama.H]

I'm glad! Thanks for commenting :))

[Valentine]

Perhaps a few smiles on those peoples faces would have brightened up the place. Valentine

[Nirupama.H]

Yes..
Thanks for reading and commenting.

[JayG]

In S1 you make your point, that the subject is a gloomy day. And, you ask a question.

But then you mention things unrelated to brightening the day before coming back to the subject in S3.

The first thing that hit me was that the rhyme in S1 gives the expectation that it will continue in S2 and3, but it doesn't.

Next, you establish three feet per line in S1, but in S2, the line "The dents of hail are forever on our roof," kills the established rhythm.

I hate to be a killjoy, but bear in mind that what I've said has nothing to do with talent or good/bad poetry. It's that there are a few things about poetry, in the area of craft—the learned part of the field, that you may want to dig into, to give your words wings.

As you write, keep in mind that your understanding of the poem's meaning is driven by intent. So it always works because you, in effect, fill in the blanks as you read it. But your reader has only what the words mean to them, and the odds say they are of a different age group, education, and experience, meaning that you need to keep their possible misinterpretation in mind as you write.

A really good place to begin picking up the nuts and bolts issues is the excerpt on Amazon for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot for the advice.
I understand that there's a long way to go.
In some of the lines, like "The dents of hail...." part, I was aware of the rhythm error but didn't know what to replace it with.. I didn't want to change the words either so I let the disruption pass.
About keeping the diversity of readers in mind, I actually wanted to keep the meaning vague so that everyone could relate with it and have their own interpretations.. Your comment makes me wonder if I kept the meaning a little too vague..
Also, in my mind; S2 was meant to be the transition from stanza 1 to 3. To me, S1 was like a description of the scene. S2 is a continuation to the sadness in S1 and S3 is the positivity part . I hope that made sense..
Thanks again for the suggestions. I will try my best to work on it.

[JayG]

• I actually wanted to keep the meaning vague so that everyone could relate with it and have their own interpretations.

Ahh... in that case, here is the prime example of that kind of poetry:



Did you like it? It can have any meaning the reader cares to assign. It's not mine, though, I stole it. ;)

Here's the thing. The reader wants you to move them emotionally. They're looking for entertainment, presented as a self-guiding trail, which supplies context with the words.

You talk about your intent for the various sections. But when we hand our words to others, we, our intent, and everything about us becomes irrelevant, because none of thet makes it to the page.

Think about your reader. Their age? Unknown. Their background? Unknown. Their education, local society, and everything about them? Unknown. Even their gender can't be predicted, and that skews the meanings of words because of sexual perceptions. In such conditions you cannot leave ANYTHING to the reader and expect them "get it." In short, poetry is a b***h to write—made doubly difficult because we are, in effect, writing in a minimalistic style.

And because of that, our writing must appeal to the emotional, not the factual side of the reader's nature. Rather then making them create a personal interpretation of the words, we must make everyone see the words as WE intend, by becoming the person speaking, or living as we watch.

I've written an article on why that's needed, Inside Out, for prose writers that might help explain. It doesn't go into poetic conventions, but still, the idea and the reasons are the same. For what it may be worth, it's here:

https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/

[Nirupama.H]

Hmm. I'm listening. Thanks again.

[Nirupama.H]

^ And I'm reading your article too.

[M P Ramesh]

Nirupama,

Yes. Each and every minute orgasms of nature take the writer to unknown realms to explore and recreate the untold.
The opportunity thus given to him/her should be shared as above
How and why are questions of uncertainty and it is told that once out of paper it belongs to all , yes readers
excellent effort...............

carry on


mp

[Nirupama.H]

Thank you for reading and commenting.