The Dead Men's Shadows

I had this idea one day and decided to write it down . Please tell me what you feel about it :) !! P.S : I really don't know what genre to put this under... I can call it Fiction ,right ?

                                                       The Dead Men's Shadows

When the night couldn't grow any darker ,

When the clouds couldn't hold anymore water ,

When the owl couldn't hold its sleep any longer ,

The first shadow arose from its tomb.

The dead men lay in their graves ,

Their bodies rotting inside out ,

Their shadows rose one by one

Until they Became the darkness.

They crept along the ground

And wandered into unknown places ,

They bathed in dark waters ,

And searched for living souls.

If they ever came upon one ,

They leapt into their shadow -

Unseen , Unheard

Unexisting , Unbeknown.

Just before dawn ,

They crawled back into their womb ,

Until the next night when 

The first shadow arose from its tomb.

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Reviews

[alf]

Hi. I would classify this as dark!!! the image you portray is ghastly ethereal lifeforms that are actually dead!!! Love the image!!! Love the imagery!!! Ghouls and demons . . . ugh. they create morbid fascination!!! I loved/hated the journey you take the reader on . . . and then let us know they have retreated back to their place of origin, the womb!!! Well done!! alf

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot !!

[Nigel Newman]

I should be doing homework for my German lesson later ... but this attracted me. A few thoughts

I like the concept of shadows rising from graves and returning only after leaping into shadows of living people; but actually they didn't seem to have any effect on the living people, so I wonder if you missed an opportunity. I would have thought the ideal would be that somehow they change the living person, capture or pervert their soul, etc etc. But as it stands, they just toddle back to their dark beds.

Your first stanza suggests meter and rhythm then doesn't adhere to any. This is totally fine, but I would re-look at the first couple of lines to reduce the possibility of readers expecting meter and rhythm.

I have no idea why 'Became' has a capital B

I love - favourite line - they bathed in dark waters. Wonderful line. Wonderful.

You write the poem in the past tense, but I wonder if it might be more powerful in the present tense - after all, they're still doing it, presumably every night into eternity ...

I'm glad you had this idea and chose to share it. Nice job!

Nigel

[Nirupama.H]

Wow! Firstly, thanks a lot for your time and for the comment.
About the effect the shadows had on people, I haven't really thought about it.. I wanted to focus on the shadows themselves and leave some ends untied for the readers. But this is a good idea too and I'll think of something.
About 'Became', I wrote it with a capital B because that's how I say it when I read out the line..ie., with emphasis on the word.Hence, "became" became "Became".(I hope that made sense!! ).
About the meter. Here again, I hadn't paid any attention to the technicality part of the lines because 1)The poem was just an expansion of my flow of thoughts and 2) Because I didn't really(and still don't)know how to correct it without changing the words I chose.. That's something I have to work on.
About the tense, I just happened to write it that way. Past tense sounded eerie-er to me.
So overall, I have a lot more stuff to think about to better the poem.
Also, I'm really glad you liked the lines you've mentioned.
It's been a while since I wrote this poem, so I've kinda lost the flow but I'll try my best to improve the lines.
Once again, thank you for the valuable advice.

[Nigel Newman]

No worries. I don't know if it's any help, but I sometimes find that even if I agree with a comment from someone, and I make a mental note to edit or change; somehow it doesn't always 'work' in that piece. But what I do try and incorporate thereafter is my interpretation of the feedback I found valuable. I bear it in mind, and somehow at a subconscious level a sort of essence of it hopefully influences.

[Nirupama.H]

Yes yes.Thank you so much!!

[Miss Sharon]

Bravo! Beautiful and dramatic imagery and scene portrayal. You're only 18? You write with depth and style of someone much older. I look forward to reading more of your work. ~Sharon

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot, Miss Sharon. This means so much to me!!

[CA Anurag Sharma]

The title attracted me towards this poem. And I liked the brilliant flow of this poem. Its dark but truly enjoyable piece..

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot !!

[matpat]

this is unique...I would classify it as dark.

[Nirupama.H]

Thank you :)

[Emily]

Great idea for a poem!
Keep on writing!

[Nirupama.H]

thank you :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Goosebumps!
Your words gripped me in a trance until I could imagine the sign of such eerie things! Yikes this scared me!
And this effect of your words clearly says how well you have penned this piece!
Excellent!

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot :)

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

You are welcome.

[Marie]

This is very strange, with its images of dead men and shadows. It is fiction, but I would call it surrealistic verse.

[Nirupama.H]

Thanks a lot for reading and commenting!

[AaronFreitas]

A very good story my friend... great imagery... kept me on my toes I wanted more :)

[Nirupama.H]

Thank you !! :)

[Perkele.7885]

I like the premise of your poem but, I do not understand what happens after the shadow finds a living soul!

[Nirupama.H]

What i meant in the poem was ,
the shadow hides in the living soul's shadow and wanders around as the living soul's shadow until it HAS to go back to where it belongs ....
That makes sense ?

[Perkele.7885]

ok, I'll buy that! But, to what purpose does he wander around?

[Nirupama.H]

The shadows wander around so that they can BE with the living as long as possible ...
they don't wanna be dead ... They wanna be alive ....