Questioning, Doubtful and Answerless

God, you listening? 'Cause I'm running out of ways to say the same damn thing.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't just believe in part of it? I can't swallow the bible whole, and nor can I believe the whole. 

 

So yeah. There's a God. I get that, really. With everything that's ever been believed since the first fire was built by man, there's gotta be something. Whether it's a benevolent old man, a court of warriors, or even just mother nature, there's some kind of (at least) semi-consciousness out there. Maybe it's a collection of souls, like in the movie Avatar, or maybe it's God, as in the God of the Bible.

 

But come on, really? I know the "true believers" are wrong about some things. They have to be. I've done horrible things that I regret every day of my life, and I can't just feel bad about it, and apologize and have it all go away. No sane person, let alone a god, would believe that. But according to them, I'm more redeemable than the most moral, christ-like person I know. But just because he loves another man, he's evil? Nuh-uh. I mean, he even cares about me. And I think by now, we've covered how much I deserve to be in Hell. Or at least purgatory. So, what the heck?

 

And then, they say that to go to heaven you have to believe in the Word of God. Literally, as in his message, and figuratively, as in his son. Okay, so my get out of Hell free card is Jesus? What about all the good people who die who have never even heard of christianity? They have spent their lives living like saints, better than saints, even. But because they don't believe in some guy, they go to Hell? B.S.

 

So now, you're standing in front of me, telling me what a good christian I am. For real? I haven't believed a word you've said, but because I look the part and go with my family to church, and behave all nice and christian , I'm gonna go to heaven? But you'll leave my best friend, the greatest person I've ever known behind?

 

And to top it all, I WANT to believe. Really, truly I do. I want to GET it. But I can't. So okay, I change what you in particular think, and say that he gets into heaven, and his boyfriend too. But where do I stop? Are murderers allowed in too? I don't think homosexuality is equivalent to murder, believe me, but it's the principle of the thing. Who am I to say that this "sin" is okay, but something like believing in another god isn't?

 

And sure, there's heaven. That's a nice thought. But where does the line to Hell start? By not believing in Jesus? How is that just as bad as murder? Or maybe I could believe it starts at harming another person. But then where does that qualify? Sure, there's rape and torture, but what about punching your brother? Does that count as hurting someone? How can you make the degrees of the matter straight and easy to read?

 

I don't even know why I thought to write this, except to air it out. And I don't know why I'm publishing this, except to look at it and hope someone somewhere has an answer to even one damn question. Because if there's a war, I'm losing. I've lost count of the battles, but I know the official count. It's a 3 and 2 moment, and I'm waiting for the pitch, but I can't see the pitcher, and the ball keeps getting lost in the sun. And I'm afraid of what being out could mean. I wish it would hurry up and cross my plate, already.