The Little Angel

A poem from my book, 'MIROIR'. A young girl approaches the poet with a picnic basket on a warm evening...

Whilst the evening breeze blew into my face
I rambled down the tender slopes at a brisk pace.
The setting sun partially blinding my vision;
It was hard to see the endless path facing me and make a decision-
To go back home and rest in covers
Or to wait till the sun sets, bringing forth the moonlit hours.

Then, I saw a girl standing before me
Holding a dainty bloom in her hands.
She had a picnic basket of creamy white buns
And jam rolls wrapped neatly in bands.

She led me to a corner where the bordering fence
Was tainted jade by clammy moss;
I was offered a cream bum and some lemonade
Which I accepted politely and ate.

Her smile was so overwhelming, for she was just a child
Whose name I never enquired; whose words I never heard.
Her dense black tresses and promising little eyes,
Her skin softer than a paste of ground rice
Can never be forgotten by me, as I have never seen
Someone like her, fit to be crowned a queen.

Author's Note

Please tell me what differences I should make and points I should focus on for writing in the future.

Reviews

[apennylate]

I read, and re-read... The way you put imagery to things... Incredible, could be some of the best "showing" I have seen in a poem in a long time... I wish I had differences for you to make... I would have maybe suggested tighter syllable count in the first verse, maybe, but it is a very minor thing, and absolutely stylistic preference... So i dunno... Just great all around... Superbly penned....

[Namrata Nandagopal]

Thank you Gee... I will take that into account in the future😃

[Gee]

Sweet, nice imagery painted. For me, just a preference, even stanza and a more balanced cadence would make for a more fluid read.

[Namrata Nandagopal]

Thank you so much. Your words have really boosted my confidence. I know that I have got a lot to improve, and I'm trying my best. With support like that, I don't know... Thanks a lot for taking the time to send your reviews. Really appreciate it 😄👍🏻

[Karthik]

Namrata...you have apparently done a great job in penning this down.I really felt that thrill in your words and the way you have expressed it is simply superb.I myself feel that you dint have to make any difference,but I surely agree with Silente on the fact that you must try to tighten that syllable count in the first verse.
Truly,its a fantastic work of art

[Namrata Nandagopal]

Thank you for the encouragement. I'll definitely keep your words in mind.
I'm trying very hard to improve, and knowing that there are a lot of people like you who appreciate poetry is a great incentive! Your review means a great deal to me.😄

[M P Ramesh]

namrata,
There is nothing precious than one's own observations, visions,images and hindsight as above to substitute the different meaning while taking challenge of writing. Write...write ....write fiercely and cross all barriers and visualise new diction with new styles.


excellent attempt ....

carry on...........

mp