M 7. Redeem us Lord……!

A peek into life in the Military where discipline and obedience is the 'order of the day' .... which more often than not gets stretched out to the point of absurdity (sic!)....

Redeem us Lord……!

My name is Lizy. I belong to the Phylum Reptilia. Yes you guessed right. I am a Lizard. I serve mankind by devouring the members of the hideous arthropod phylum (yum!) that are responsible for many epidemics across the globe. Yet women scream at the sight of me, and children have fun chasing me around, till I abandon my beloved tail and run for cover,… but men couldn’t be bothered. That’s how I have access to the places that men inhabit, without fear of being hounded around.

I’m proud to belong to the Command HQ (so what if I don’t have a rank!). I have become rather a popular figure in this place and I have access to any office of my choice, without so much as a security pass or even a cursory glance. My favourite base is the office of Capt YV Singh, at the Indian Oil Gas Agency office. The verbal exchanges that take place here, are sometimes beyond my comprehension. That’s when I regret not having been born a human, though most often the crudeness of it is so hideous, that I thank God for my reptilian avatar.

One day, I woke up late….. got to blame myself for it. Sleeping on a full stomach has its own drawbacks.. Meals out here are too sumptuous (got to thank my Captain for keeping the stores so ‘rich’)…. “Burp!” Anyhow I slithered as fast as I could and took up position on the wall behind the Captain’s chair. Perched there, I feel like his Deputy! The Captain was in serious conversation with a Sepoy, who stood in front of him. The two chairs across his table lay vacant. It’s strange that these officers just don’t care to offer a chair to the lower ranks, however long the exchanges be…. and the ranks wouldn’t even dare glance in the direction of the seat (sic!). I could sense the air was charged…. I glided noiselessly around to get a clear view of the scene….flicking out my tongue in eager anticipation….

“Saab, is it necessary that I buy the Gas choolha (stove)?”

“Yes, why do you ask? You’re aware of the SOP, aren’t you?” The Captain glowered at the surface anatomy of the Sepoy, who stood ramrod straight in full attention and I feared an ‘opisthotonus’ if the poor man went too far…. what with the trapezius, latissimus dorsi, intra spinous and other core back muscles working too hard….. Oh now now, spare me those raised eyebrows at my rich medical vocabulary! During my rounds of the hospital wards and the medical college, which is a stone’s throw from here, I’ve picked up enough medical jargon to qualify to be one of them!.

“cicak…cicak….cicak…” I couldn’t suppress my chuckle at the thought, but soon stifled it as the Captain looked around.

“You mean that ‘Son of a …….B’ Saab?. I know the @%$& fellow”. The Sepoy pulled out his SLR rifle… “ So he’s the one looting our hard earned money! You just give me the command Saab. I shall put a bullet into his *&#@* head!”

The Captain looked flabbergasted, but hastily regained composure. “RK Verma, It’s SOP, meaning Standing Operative Procedures, not SOB. We have our own rules in the Army, and you’re committed to abide by them. Don’t you know that?”

“Saab, Aisa Hai, (is that so?). I mean, I happen to have a gas choolha purchased from this very Command Canteen”. And so, buying yet another just because I got my gas connection released now after two years of waiting and that for no fault of mine, would be a drain on my purse…. and a sheer waste too.”

“Hmm… reasonable indeed. So, what’s the issue?” I scratched the wall as white plaster rained down.

“So what, who told you to buy it? Why did you buy it?” The Captain sprung up in his chair, his eyebrows almost having disappeared under the neat rim of his maroon turban, his mouth a thin straight line…

“S..saab, that was when we got the arrears, and before it got spent on anything else, me and my wife thought it wise to buy a choolha, and got one”.

“Now don’t give me all that crap. I’ve no time to waste on you. You must know that as per the rules here, when you are allotted a gas connection through this Command, you are also to buy a choolha along with it, whether you have it already or not. Now don’t ask me for the documents. The profits go to the AWWA, and if they’re not given their dues, they won’t spare me.”

Sepoy Verma swung his rifle into position and releasing the safety catch, he pointed it into space (almost onto the Captain’s turbaned head). “Saab, you said Hawwa?..You mean the Dayans (witches)? But what are they doing in the Army?...... Kidhar? Kahaan? (where??)….. Main hoon na……(I’m here)”. It all happened in a trice!!

Before I could dive at making a landing on the rifle (to deflect it of course and save my Master), the Captain ducked out of range of the rifle butt, and roared, “How dare you? Anjula Koshi is the President . You call her the witch? It is AWWA,--Army Wife’s Welfare Association, and not Hawwa as you say. Now you realize that you have said and done a very foolish thing, don’t you?

Sepoy appeared nonplussed. Then seeing the Captain’s quivering mustache, put away the rifle, “Yes Saab, Galti Ho Gayi (made a mistake)”.

“So, if you want a gas connection, you had better buy a new choolha along with it, ok? Else, your allotment stands cancelled.” The Captain gave him a smile, “Man, gift it to someone if you don’t need it.”

“But sir….”

“Now that’s all. You have taken up much of my time”.

“Yes Saab”. Sepoy jumps to attention, salutes smartly, swings about and marches out.

I twirled mimicking the ‘move’…..ouch!...and losing balance, landed noiselessly on the carpeted floor….my back aching…! Now, this is something I’m still trying to master….

Enter Major DG Rathore. “Hallo yaar, you are pale and shaking! “Ki gal hai? (what’s the matter). Not feeling well?”

Captain shakes himself up, relaxes and smiles. “Aw nothing yaar,.. Just motivating a Jawan to buy a stove from the Agency. And to think of it....I nearly got shot”.

The Major shakes his head in disapproval, “Now that you say,…. the other day, I had a hard time motivating one in my Unit. Tch…tch, discipline and order is on the decline these days. This joker dared to threaten the OC (Officer Commanding) and the Manager Indian Oil Corporation with dragging them to the Consumer Redressal Forum! Well, he was given some ‘counseling’ and was ‘motivated’ to buy a second gas stove.”

Chuckling with delight at their achievements, the two walked out of the office.

Dazed, I slowly crawl back to my position. Highway robbery in broad daylight! And that in a democracy? Who said the citizens of our country enjoy democracy? Certainly no… at least in the Defense Services, where the top brass rule the roost. Help! Anyone out there? Not a soul.…!

God at least transform me into a human being. No, not just any, but a politician, so that I can take up this cause. Now on second thoughts, that could spell my evolution to…oh that’s a different story.

But for the time being….Lord, redeem us from the clutches of the Hawwa…sorry again... its AWWA!

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08 Sep 1993