A Natural Abomination: Chapter 1

Pedophilia is a taboo, but it exists and it's not pleasant for those who do not understand it. Chain is a boy struggling to control his new found urges. Are these feelings wrong? Are they perverted? Or are they just different?

“Chain…” Mariko moaned my name as I kissed her neck. It’s awesome living in my brother’s apartment. He’s never home, so I can do whatever I want. Mariko and I have complete privacy here. It’s not unusual for her to visit me this late at night.

 

It didn’t take us long to move to the bedroom. I gently removed her shirt and pants, touching as much of her skin as I possibly could. “Chain…” She moaned my name again. I know, Chain is a rather strange name, but I don’t really give a s**t.

 

Living alone is awesome. I can do whatever the hell I want and I don’t get caught. My brother comes around every now and then and pays the rent, so to me I’m basically living by myself. Having an apartment all to myself is extremely useful when I bring a girl home. I’ve taken a lot of girls home, but Mariko isn’t just some girl. She means a lot to me, but lately I’ve noticed a problem when we fool around together. I don’t want to admit it because it’s extremely embarrassing.

 

I caressed every part of her body and she did the same. At this point we’re only wearing our underwear. Mariko is a beautiful girl. She has a nice slender frame and long brown hair. A lot of guys think tall girls with big b***s are the most attractive, but I honestly prefer petite girls more.

 

I bent down and kissed her on her soft lips. Her body is so warm against my touch. Something is wrong. I stopped kissing her. Mariko put her fingers through my hair in my favorite way. Why does this have to happen now of all times?

 

Mariko noticed my hesitation, “What’s wrong? Did you…” She didn’t finish, but I know what she means. If only that was the problem… I would prefer that much more then the actual problem. It would be less embarrassing. “Chain?” Mariko asked with a touch of concern, “What’s wrong?”

 

I bit my lip and rolled off of her. Mariko gave me a curious look, “Chain?” D****t! I didn’t actually think this would happen. I let out a frustrated sigh and sat up, putting my feet on the floor. Mariko sat up next to me, “Chain? What’s going on?” I bit my lip, “I don’t think we should be together anymore Mariko.” She stared at me in silent shock. There was a long silence before I went on, “I don’t think this is going to work out.”

 

She looks completely taken off guard. The surprise slowly left her face as she took in my words, “Why?” Her eyes desperately searched mine for some kind of clue. I bit my lip again, “I’m in love with someone else.” Her face became pained, “Chain, don’t say that. It’s not true.” She placed her hands gently on top of mine. I clenched my fists, “It’s true…” She shook her head furiously, “No it’s not! I love you Chain! We’ve been together for almost a year now! I can tell when you’re lying!”

 

S**t. I thought she would just take that excuse and leave it. “Tell me the truth.” She said, with a tear forming in her eye. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want this to happen. I can’t even answer her. I don’t want to see her cry.

 

“Tell me!” She cried. “Ok fine!” I blurted out senselessly, “I’m not attracted to you anymore!” She stared at me in astonishment. I went on softly, “I don’t know why, I’m just not anymore. And this isn’t something that I’ve noticed in the last few days. I’ve felt like this for a while, I just didn’t know what to do.” There was another long silence. I can’t even look at her, I’m so ashamed.

 

“You’re…” She said, barely audible, “You’re not attracted to me?” I can feel my own eyes tearing up. “I love you Mariko.” I said softly. She shook her head, “That doesn’t make sense! Maybe you just have the flu or something.” I sighed, “No. It’s not that.” I don’t know why this is happening to me. Mariko and I have had sex plenty of times, so why is this the time that my body tells me that I’m not attracted to her anymore? It’s not that I don’t love her. I love her completely. I don’t understand this!

 

“You…” She whispered, “You don’t feel anything? Not when we kiss? Not when we…” She trailed off, but waited for me to answer. This is tearing my heart up from the inside out. “It doesn’t make me feel the way it used to.” I said somberly. She looks like she’s lost in an unfamiliar place. I feel a little nauseous.

 

“What does this mean?” She asked quietly. “I don’t know,” I said, “But I don’t think we can be together anymore.” There was a very long and uncomfortable silence. “I think you should go home.” I said in a whisper. She grabbed my hand and placed it over her breast. “You can’t tell me that you don’t feel anything when we’re together!” Mariko doesn’t have well endowed breasts, but that has never bothered me before. I actually found that attractive in her… but that was before.

 

I avoided looking at her distraught face. Before I could react, she reached her other hand into my boxers and… well, she did something that I used to really enjoy. Her eyes widened when she realized that I wasn’t lying. “You…” More tears rolled down her face, “You’re really not attracted to me at all?” I felt my own tears escaping my eyes.

 

It’s not that I’m not attracted to just her, I haven’t found any girl to be attractive lately. I can’t understand what this means. Does this mean I’m gay? I don’t know why that would happen now of all times. I’ve been with a lot of girls, and this is the first time that this has happened. Could I really be gay?

 

“I’m sorry.” I said. I can’t even look at her. It’s heartbreaking to see her so sad. She stood up and slowly got dressed. I kept my eyes on the floor. She took her time getting dressed. When she finished, she walked over to the door and paused with her hand on the doorknob. “Chain?” She didn’t turn around. I looked up to her, “Yeah?”

 

I heard her cry a little, “I love you.” She opened the door and walked out. Before she got too far I whispered, “I love you too.” I heard her leave the apartment. I’m all alone now. All alone…

 

I let the tears roll down my face. I don’t give a s**t if crying isn’t manly. I love Mariko and I can’t understand what this means. Why would I suddenly turn gay out of the blue? That doesn’t make any sense. Aren’t people born gay? It’s not like I’m choosing to be gay. I don’t want to be gay. I want to stay with Mariko. She’s my whole world. I love her.

 

I picked up the first breakable thing I could find and threw it at the wall in frustration. I don’t even know what it was, but it exploded against the wall and covered the floor in pieces. I think it was something made of glass, but I didn’t bother to check.

 

I clenched my fists so tightly that my fingernails started to pierce the skin of my palm. “Why!?” I yelled to myself. I fell to my knees and pounded my fist on the floor. I kept slamming my fist down over and over until my hand started to ache and cramp up. I flipped over on my back and stared at the ceiling blankly.

 

Why does my life have to suck like this? I don’t want to be gay. I could live with being bisexual. That would be no problem at all… then at least I could still be with Mariko. My body is so stupid! It’s not listening to my heart or my mind! Why can’t I love the girl I love!? None of this makes any sense!

 

I stared at that stupid ceiling for what seemed like an entire night. I can’t just accept this. I slowly got to my feet and made my way to my computer. I’m going to prove that I’m straight. I don’t particularly have any ill feelings against homosexuality; I just don’t think that I can be gay. I need to find some answers.

 

I turned on the computer and opened up the internet. I quickly found a porn site. I hesitated for a short moment and clicked on a random video. I watched the entire video, but it didn’t do what it should have done for me. I sighed. I was afraid of this. Not even porn can arouse me. I put my forehead on the desk. “S**t.” I said to no one.

 

I need closure. I can’t just accept that I’m not attracted to girls anymore. I need to test it. I clicked on a website that specializes in… gay porn. I don’t mean to be blunt, but at this point I’m too frustrated to care. I entered the website and blindly clicked on a random video. I started watching and I immediately turned away in disgust. That’s beyond gross, even for gay people. I turned back and forced myself to watch the entire video. By the end, the only thing I was feeling was the urge to vomit.

 

“That’s just f*****g great.” Again, I’m talking to myself. What the hell does this mean? Am I not attracted to either gender? That’s just plain insane. Is it even possible for a person to be like that? I’ve never heard of that.

 

I stood up and started pacing around the entire apartment. I rubbed my face with my hand, trying to wake myself up from this horrible dream. I don’t understand what’s happening to me! Why can’t this be more straightforward!?

 

I went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. Who am I? I look the same as I usually do, but I feel like s**t. I turned on the faucet and splashed some water in my face. What is there besides straight and gay? I don’t even think there is another alternative.

 

I reluctantly went back to the computer. There has to be something else, something that I haven’t tried. I browsed the internet aimlessly, not really looking for anything specific. There has to be something that attracts me. There must be.

 

Just then, something caught my eye. It’s a picture of a little girl in a dress with a floral print. I clicked on it impulsively. The image filled the majority of my screen. She looks so adorable… She can’t be older than ten or eleven. Her eyes are so soft and innocent, something about them are almost… alluring. Her skin is so smooth looking. I almost feel like I can reach out and touch her.

 

I opened my eyes wide and stood up, knocking the chair over. No… No! This can’t be happening! I looked away from the screen and bit my lip. I glanced back at the screen. Am I really… What the hell…

 

I picked up the chair and sat back in it. Maybe this is just a fluke. That must be it… a crazy fluke. There’s no way that I could be attracted to little girls. That’s disgusting, even more so than the gay porn.

 

I clicked on a few more pictures. My heartbeat quickened. They look so beautiful… I can’t help myself from looking. There’s just something about them that draws me in, that wants me to see more. I scrolled through a gallery of little girls in various costumes. One girl is in a cute little nurse’s outfit, and another is in a maid’s uniform. I bit my lip, trying to break myself from this horrible spell. I can’t stop. They’re so cute…

 

I hate do admit this, but looking at all of those pictures gave me an erection. I kept searching for more and more pictures. The whole time I kept thinking “Why is this happening to me?” I don’t want to be attracted to little girls! I’d rather be gay! This is disgusting! Why is this exciting me!? What’s wrong with me?!

 

Without realizing it, I had clicked on a video. A little girl is on a bed. She’s wearing an adorable dress. She looks no older than six or seven. Just then, a man came into view. He walked over to the girl and put his arm around her. My stomach sank when he started removing her dress. This is so revolting, but I can’t look away! I feel like I’m going to vomit, but for some reason this is turning me on.

 

The girl in the video has an impassive expression on her face. The man started touching her… in private places. Without any warning, I leaned over and vomited all over the floor. I fell to my knees and kept puking. That’s horrible! How can someone do that to a child!?

 

I crawled behind the desk and unplugged the computer. The screen went black and everything became quiet. I still feel like throwing up, but I don’t have anything left in my stomach.

 

I brought my knees up to my chest and hide my face in my hands. I let out scream that was muffled by my hands. This can’t be happening to me! No matter how much I want to deny it, I can’t say that video didn’t excite me. Why am I turned on by this!? It’s sick! It’s disgusting!

 

I bit my lip, trying to calm myself down. The images are still flashing through my mind. I can see every face of each little girl in those pictures. Who took those pictures!? Why would they display those girls like that!? What scares me most of all is that I enjoyed them. I actually got a thrill from seeing those girls in different poses, different positions.

 

I bit my lip harder, piercing my skin and forcing blood to flow down my chin. Is this why I’m not attracted to Mariko anymore? Why? Why am I like this? Why is this happening now of all times? Does this make me a pedophile? No! I don’t want to be one of those freaks! I don’t want to have sex with children! I don’t want these feelings!

 

I let out a frustrated scream. This doesn’t make sense. People can’t suddenly turn into pedophiles. There has to be some reason why I’m thinking like this. There has to be some kind of explanation. I slowly got to my feet and plugged the computer back on. I got on the internet and found a legitimate website explaining pedophilia. It has a bunch of facts about the causes and symptoms of… pedophilia. I don’t like that word. It makes me feel sick to my stomach

 

I quickly read every line of the page, carefully interpreting every word. It doesn’t seem like there’s a specific theory about the cause of pedophilia. Some cases in this website say that people who suffer abuse as a child are more likely to “gain a sexual preference toward prepubescent children.”

 

I let out a sigh. I know for a fact that I’ve never been abused when I was young. I can’t exactly say my family was perfect, but nothing like that happened. My mother ran out on us, which left me with my dad and my older brother. I can’t even remember her face. I don’t really care where she is now. She left our family, so she has no right to be called my mother. My dad was a kind man. He never touched me or my brother. He died about a year ago, so my brother took me in and I’ve been living in this apartment ever since.

 

Nothing in this website is giving me any useful information. Some researchers say that people become pedophiles because they can’t find solace in an adult partner. I’m in love with Mariko, and we’ve been sleeping together for a while now. That theory doesn’t apply to me at all.

 

I painfully read more and more. There’s another theory about sexual insecurity, and another about social problems. None of this is helping me understand these feelings. I don’t know how this happened, but I’d trade that knowledge to get rid of these feelings. I want to know how to change this, how to fix this problem.

 

I scrolled down the page, looking for possible treatments. Damn. It says that treatment for pedophilia is rarely effective. Apparently, therapy is the only known treatment. That would mean that I would have to tell someone about this… about what I’ve been feeling. Who could I possibly tell? Everyone will just think I’m a freak… and they’re right. I am a freak.

 

I searched the rest of the website, but didn’t find anything useful. I’ve never acted on these urges before, so why are they surfacing now? Why is this happening to me now? If this made any sense, I would have felt something like this in the past. I know for a fact that I’ve never looked up kiddy porn before. And I definitely have never touched a child in any inappropriate way.

 

Something popped into my mind. I don’t know why I haven’t realized this sooner. I quickly ran to my dresser and found a picture of Mariko and me. In the picture, she’s behind me with her arms around my neck. We’re both smiling fondly at each other. I ignored the stab of pain in my heart when I saw her face.

 

I set down that picture carefully and picked up another picture. Mariko is the only one in this picture. I took this when we went to the beach last summer. She’s wearing that adorable blue bikini that I’ve always loved. My stomach fell. Her petite body makes her look so young… really young. She has always been short, no taller than five foot two. Her chest is flat and she looks more like a thirteen year old than a high school senior.

 

Is this why I was attracted to her? Because she looks like a little girl? Why haven’t I noticed this before? I’ve had other girlfriends, but that was a while ago.

 

I bit my lip again. If I’m really a… pedophile, then why am I not attracted to Mariko anymore? Is it because she “grew up”? I ran over to my desk drawer and searched through the dozens of photos of Mariko from the last year. It’s true that her body has matured a little, but not that much. It shouldn’t make a difference.

 

Is this why I love Mariko? Because she reminds me of a little girl? I suddenly feel like vomiting again. No! That can’t be it! I don’t want to let Mariko go! I don’t want to lose her to these feelings! Why should this even matter!? Why is my body refusing my heart?! There’s absolutely no way that I became close with Mariko simply because I was sexually attracted to her. There’s much more to it than that.

 

I feel to the ground and clasped my hands over my ears, trying to block out my own thoughts. Why is this happening to me? I haven’t done anything to deserve these urges! I’m not a bad person! I don’t want to be like this!

Author's Note

Don't tell me that this is gross or sick. Don't start preaching to me about morals and right and wrong. I'm not a pedophile, I don't support pedophilia, and I'm not trying to get people to understand it. I just thought it would be interesting to write about it because of it's impact on society