Chapter 1: The journey begins.

"One small thing can change your life forever"

“Don’t f*****g die on me god d****t” “Nikolai please don’t-”

I snap awake. My body is drenched in sweat. I look around and see the usual darkness of my room. I go back to sleep disregarding what I heard in my dream. As soon as I close my eyes I start to fall back asleep. Then I hear a creaking. 

Creeeeeeeeeaaakkkkkk

I try not to pay attention to this as I continue to fade back into sleep. I then hear heavy footsteps. As soon as I hear this my body goes into fight or flight mode. I jump out of bed and stumble around my dark room. I hit the wall. I place one hand on it and walk along it searching for a light switch. I finally find it after walking forever along the seemingly infinite wall.  My eyes are flooded with white light for a few seconds as they adjust. When I finally regain my sight I see a large bear dressed in what looks like a uniform of some kind. He stands there confidently. He opens his maw and speaks. I can’t understand what he’s saying. I look at him confused.
“Oxteopl.” The bear says.
“Huh?” I reply.

I see him grab something from his pocket. He reaches his paw out. I see him holding what looks to be an earpiece of some kind. He walks towards me cautiously, his paw still stretched in front of him. He stops just in front of me. I can tell he’s worried. He says something to himself. He then pounces. He pins me down and forces the earpiece deep into my ear. I try to squirm under his weight. I wince in pain as I feel the walls of my ear canal being shredded by the cold metal prongs. After a few seconds he gets off of me. I get up quickly. I raise my hands ready to attack him. He notices this and reaches to his belt. He pulls off what looks to be a gun. I think to myself “What the hell is going on right now?”. He shoots at me. His first shot misses me completely. His second shot hits me square in the chest. I look down expecting to see a bullet wound. Instead I see what looks like a dart. I stand in shock. I pass out after a few seconds. My mind races. I’m surrounded by black as my eyes dart around. I can’t tell what is going on outside of my mind. Have I just been killed? Have I just been kidnapped? I dwell on these thoughts. Then the thought comes across my mind. Is this all just a dream? I try to force myself to wake up. I try this to no avail. I realize that everything that’s occurred within the past 20 minutes was all real. I then feel a cold metal-like sensation under me. Almost like my body had been moved from my room to some unknown place. I finally started to regain consciousness. I awaken and see darkness again. I close my eyes again and open them again. I’m met with the same agonizing darkness. I try again. Again I’m met with the same darkness. I try to put my hands in front of me. I can’t. My hands are tied behind my back. I desperately try to pull them apart. I feel the restraint pull apart slightly. I tug again. I make more progress. I gradually loosen my restraints until my hands are free. I get up. I try to find a wall. I walk around in the darkness. I trip over my foot and fall to the floor. 

Booom

I hear loud footsteps begin to echo through the space. I then see a door of some kind open. I see the silhouette of the bear from earlier. He slides his finger across a panel on the wall. The lights quickly respond to this. I see his face. He notices me looking at him and starts walking towards me. I start to back away. When I start to back away he starts moving slowly. He’s moving cautiously. It’s almost like he’s approaching a feral animal. I back myself into a wall. I start to breathe heavily. My heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest. He keeps approaching me. He’s only a few feet away from me. I can’t tell what he’ll do if he gets closer.     I debate about trying to fight him. I decided not to because of what happened earlier. He finally stands over me. I look at him with an anxious expression. He opens his maw.

“Are you alright?” He asks

His words don’t match his lips. I look at him in confusion. 

“Is your translator set to the right language?” He asks.

I nod. He smirks at this. He offers me his paw. I cautiously accept it. He pulls me up onto my feet. When he pulls me on to my feet I feel like my shoulder is about to be dislocated by his sheer strength. He notices me wince in pain.

“A-are you alright?” He asks with concern ino his voice. 

“Uh…. Yeah I should be fine” I say while still in pain. 

He looks at me with concern. I shrug it off. An awkward silence sets in the room. I cough a little to break the silence.
“So uhhh…. What is this place?” I ask him.

He looks at me. 

“Er… I don’t know how to explain it.” He says while grabbing something from his pocket. I can make out that it’s shaped like a phone. He pulls it out and taps on it. A hologram pops up and fills the room with a blue light. I look at it in amazement.

“Have you never seen a vorcey before?” He remarks. One of his eyebrows is slightly raised while he says this.

“Uh- Uhhh… No….” I splutter. 

“Do they not have them on your planet?” He asks.

“No, No we don’t have them.” I reply as I put my hand on the back of my head in embarrassment. 

He pulls up something. I try to make out the text as it comes together. 

“Firstly, welcome aboard. Should’ve probably said that before cornering you. Sorry for that” He says in a calm tone.

“Yeah I didn’t make the best judgment call when we were on earth. I jumped about 3 levels of engagement and yeah… Oops.” He says in the same calm tone this time with a slight bit of an ego behind his voice. 

“Now that I’ve apologized. Ummm well you’re probably wondering what you’re doing here.” He says.

“Yeah I kinda do. It’s almost like you kidnapped me with no f*****g explanation.” I say to him in an angry tone.

“Well I was getting to that if you wouldn’t mind shutting up for a bit” He quickly snaps back to me. I can tell that I irritated him. Granted it’s kind of funny seeing a bear this angry.

“Now if you’d allow me to continue. My name is Nikolai. And well yeah… I was sent to survey for possible intelligent life outside of the Andromeda galaxy. And clearly based upon what I’ve discovered with you. There’s at least 4 intelligent species in the Milky Way. Granted one of those races is pretty much in the dark ages still. And the other 2 are already integrated into Adrias. Which on that note you’re probably wondering what I’m referring to. Adrias which is an alliance of about… Exhales 50,000* societies and species in the Andromeda galaxy. We’re all united under the goal of unifying the entire universe as a whole and possibly venturing outside of the universe” He explains to me.

“Wait… So you’re telling me that I was abducted… By a f*****g alien that isn’t even from the same galaxy as me? And also that only 2 other intelligent species exist in my own galaxy?” I say in a shocked voice.

“I’m sorry for not asking for your permission before doing that. I didn’t really think that through… I just assumed that since species had already been to space you had found one of our beacons.” He apologizes.

I look at him. I can’t help but forgive him. Honestly I would’ve made a poorer judgment call if I was in his position. I look at him. I see him awkwardly shift.

“May I ask?” I ask him.
“What?” He replies. 

“Where are we?” I ask him.
“Well let me check” He pulls up another application on his vorcey. “We’re about to leave the Milky Way and enter what I call the void” He tells me.

“Wait… So… uh… Does that mean I can’t go home?” I ask him nervously.
“Well… We could try to go back… But….” He tells me.

“But what?” I ask him nervously again.

“Well uhh I’d run out of fuel trying to go back to my planet.” He explains. 

“Can’t you get more?” I ask him.

“Not in this galaxy.” He tells me.
“Wait so… You’re telling me that either way I don’t have a choice. So if I do say yes… Then yippee I get to see your planet. But if I say no. You’re stranded in this galaxy and you may have to find another way home? ” I ask him. I see his eyes sink.

“Sigh Yes. Trust me I swear I’ll get you back eventually.” He tells me while trying to hide the fact that he said “eventually”.
“The f**k do you mean eventually?” I exclaim.
“I’ll explain that when we get to my planet” He quickly says. I can tell he’s irritated by my erratic responses.
He takes a step back. He gestures with his paw towards the still open door.
“Do you want to stay here or do you want to see more of my ship?” He asks me. 

“Do I have a choice or will you force me to?” I say this in confronting manor. 

“You do. I was just asking” He says to me in an annoyed way.

I look at him. I open my lips but words don’t come out. I want to fight with him but I don’t want to run the risk of being locked in this room for what feels like another eternity.

“I do want to see the rest of your ship” I let out finally. 

“Alright. Follow me” He says while walking out of the door. I quickly trail behind him. I struggle to keep up with him as we walk through the central hallway of the ship. He shows me the rooms and spaces of his ship. I’m astonished by how everything works. We then arrive at the command deck.

“Don’t touch anything in here” He tells me. 

I walk behind him and look at all the panels as we walk by them. Everything seems so human yet so alien at the same time. I see him walk up to what looks like a console. He pulls up a hologram of some kind and starts manipulating it.
“Initializing jump” A loud mechanical voice announces.

“I suggest you sit down for this. We’re about to jump nearly 2.5 million lightyears in about 2 standard” He tells me.

“What’s a standard?” I ask him in confusion.

“Er… Well it’s a measure of time. I guess it’s similar to what you’d call a day.” He replies. 

“Wait? You’re telling me that I’m about to be the first human to leave the Milky Way and aren’t making aren’t making a big deal about it?” I ask him in a somewhat confrontational tone.

“I mean… Is that a bad thing?” He asks me obliviously. 

“I-I don’t know how to feel really. I mean the whole kidnapping thing is still fresh on my mind. But also the whole concept that I’m leaving my galaxy is another thing. Also on the note of my kidnapping. What the hell do you think my family and friends are going to think when they find their son has gone missing?” I say in an anxiety filled tone. My eyes dart around as he gets ready to say something else.

“Again I’m sorry for what I did. I didn’t expect you to react in this way. I… I just figured that… You’d….” “Like the idea of exploring another galaxy.” “I shouldn’t have assumed.” He says in a defeated tone. I can tell that he was genuinely sorry for what he had done. He looks away from me. He looks on into the expanse of space. His face reflected on the window. He opens his maw almost as if he’s going to speak again but lets out a small sound. I stand behind him. I put one of my hands on his back. I lightly pat him in a reassuring way. I sigh as I get ready to say something. 

“I… I… Don’t mind the idea of leaving the galaxy…. I’m willing to if I eventually can return home. That’s all I ask for. All I want is to eventually return home to explain to my family and friends what happened to me. That’s all I want. If you can assure that happens… Then… I’ll come with you” I reassure him.

His ears perk up. I see him smirk in the window. 

“Well then…. You see the 2 seats over there?” He asks me in a shaky yet enthusiastic tone.

“Yeah. Why?” I reply.

“Get them ready for us. Undo the straps and adjust the one on the right to your liking” He tells me.

“Yes, Sir.” I say in a joking tone while walking away.

He rolls his eyes. He gets to work on the console. He starts inputting information as the ship gradually starts to speed up. He finishes around 2 minutes later. He walks over to me and helps me adjust my seat. He sits down in his and buckles his restraints. All of a sudden everything goes black. I hear loud sounds as streaks of light fly by the window. I close my eyes. The same voice I heard in my dream echoes through my ears.

“You’re safe with him…”

“What?” I ask.

“This is your destiny… I can’t tell you any more than that right now” 

Suddenly I wake up. I’m still surrounded by the same darkness as before. I look to my right and see him. His face is lit up with a hud of some kind. 

“You’re finally awake.” He remarks.

“How long was I out for?” I ask him.

“Well you were asleep for damn near 2 standard. Which… Is that normal for humans?” He asks me.

“No. Sleeping for days at a time isn’t normal for us.” I tell him.

“Well for my species it’s common during solex.” He tells me.

“What’s solex?” I ask him

“It’s like winter on your planet. Essentially the entire northern hemisphere of my planet gets only around 2/12 standard of light from our star during that period.” He explains.

“Hm… That’s actually pretty interesting. What do you mean by 12th standard?” I reply.

“Our days have 12 hours. We refer to each hour by what 12th of a standard it is. So for example if I wanted to say I want to meet you halfway through the day. I would say “Meet me at the 6th hour.” He tells me.

“Then why did you say 2/12 standard when referring to how many hours of daylight you get during solex?” I ask him. 

“I don’t know why. I just didn’t know you’d understand that time on my planet flows differently compared to your planet.” He says embarrassed.

“It’s alright we all mess up from time to time.” I reassure him. 

“Heh. Thanks.” He says in a happy yet defeated tone.

A few hours pass. I fall asleep again. All of a sudden I’m shaken awake. I hear the ship's engines throttle down. I look out the window and see gray skies. As we descend I look out the window and see massive mountains. I feel uneasy seeing how close we’re flying to them. Nikolai looks over to me. He’s visibly concerned.

“Are you alright?” He asks me.

“Y-yeah, just a little scared. Flying this low is really uhh… Really scary to me.” I anxiously tell him.

“Why? The worst thing that could happen is that I’d have to call in a recovery team if we crashed.” He says obliviously.

“It’s not that. It’s just the concept of crashing is, well, scary.” I shakily tell him.

“Well trust me we’re only a few minutes away from the island. Also if it reassures you. I think I’m one of the best pilots on this planet and also in this star system. But that’s just my own opinion. Chuckles” He says in a reassuring yet confident tone. 

I can tell that he’s flown through this valley possibly thousands of times. His movements are fluid and precise. His confidence yet also finesse radiates out from him. Each turn flowing into the other masterfully almost like an artist painting a scene. I see rivers flowing through the ridges of the mountains. It’s truly beautiful. Then almost abruptly we fly beyond them. Behind us now are sheer cliffs that clash with the icy seas. Mighty waves roar under us. We start to see lights just over the horizon. We gradually descend towards a massive building. It looks regal yet restrained. Almost like the elements themselves had shaped it. We start to hover over what I can assume is a landing pad of some kind. We finally land after hovering for a few seconds. I hear one of the doors open. Nikolai gets up. I undo my restraints and get up alongside him. He ushers me behind him. I see a smaller bear approach him. 

“Oxteopl, Sir.” The bear says.

“Oxteopl.” He replies. 

“Was your mission to Earth successful?” The smaller bear asks.

“Yes, It was. The scans were correct about intelligent life. I found signs of civilization. They had what looks to be a fairly primitive yet still developed culture.” He tells the smaller bear.

 “Do you think they’re ready to join Adrias?” The smaller bear asks.

“Depends. Do you think you’re ready to help them integrate?” He interjects.

“Sir… Respectfully that decision is up to you as emperor to be.” He states.

Nikolai sighs as he gets ready to speak.

“I’m going to play this cautiously. We can’t risk what happened to Orfrians. It’s sad that happened. But then again their little experiment was rushed and rather… Rough.” Nikolai says while gradually getting more and more quiet.

“Alright I’ll relay that to our expeditionary forces.” The smaller bear says.

“Oxeteopl, Don’t make it sound like we’re invading Earth. The last time I checked that wasn’t what my mother wanted when planning this.” He replies.

“Fine… I’ll make sure that they’re aware that you want to take a non-aggressive method to this integration” The smaller bear relucts.

“Was that all?” He asks.

“Yes, Sir.” The smaller bear replies.

“It was nice talking with you Druis..” He says in a cold tone.

“You as well sir” Druis replies.

Druis walks off of Nikolai’s ship. His footsteps echoing throughout the hangar. I then see a swarm of guards and personnel flood in through the door. The guards post to either side of Nikolai and also to the front of him. 

“Awaiting your orders sir.” One of the guards says to Nikolai.

“Just get me to my quarters.” Nikolai coldly replies.

“What about him?” One of the guards says while pointing to me with his weapon. 

“He’s with me.” Nikolai replies. I can tell that he’s tired from the encounter with Druis. 

“Noted.” The same guard from before says.

Nikolai and I walk out of his ship surrounded by guards. The rhythmic sound of claws tapping against the cold floor is unnerving. I look up to his face. He looks at me from the corner of his eye and lets out a small smirk. We continue to walk through the palace. The rhythmic sounds of claws and marching echo through the palace. We then arrive at a door. Nikolai walks up to a panel and enters in a code.

“You guys are dismissed. Patrol the area and assure no one passes without proper authorization.” He tells the guards.

“Yes, Sir” All 3 of the guards say.

They all walk off in separate directions. Nikolai grabs my hand and pulls me into his room. He closes the door behind me.

“Sorry for that. Just political matters that I have neglected to attend to.” He tells me.

“May I ask something?” I ask him.

“Hmm?” He responds.

“Why am I here?” I ask him.

“Well… I have many reasons. Firstly we evaluated your species and how “compatible” it is with Adrias. And well we found that your species is the last one from the Milky Way that is compatible. I don’t want this to sound sad. But we found a lot of extinct species that had they survived would’ve likely been integrated into Adrias. However… We were too late. Sadly… In most cases we’d find outcrops of their societies and try to salvage them. But also in most cases they attacked us and well… We had to defend ourselves.” He says in a somber tone. 

“Was there any that didn’t fight?” I ask him.

“Yes. But those were the ones where only the eldest members of their societies survived.” He tells me.

“Wow…. I guess it was a miracle your scans found Earth” I say in a hopeful tone.

“Yeah… It was… Hell actually you guys found us technically. We found one of your space craft drifting. That’s how we actually set up the scans. We took the information from its computers and triangulated a possible position. Which… Worked. We debated on trying to establish communications with your planet but because of technology differences we weren’t successful.” He explains.

“Huh… I guess the Voyager spacecrafts were successful after all. Some scholars on my planet thought they’d actually be the last signs that humans existed.” I tell him.

“What do you mean the last signs?” He asks me.

“When we launched the Voyager spacecrafts we were locked in a global conflict. Not a traditional conflict. But more of a state of heightened tensions. We called it the Cold War. Effectively our 2 largest nations were on 2 sides of our political spectrum and were threatening the other with the possibility of war. This went on for nearly 50 years.” I explain to him. 

“Wow… I didn’t know that. I’m guessing you were a scholar on your planet. Since you know a lot about it.” He says in an oblivious tone.

“No.. I was just a normal person. I was in the military and well… Yeah when you came I was actually about to be deployed in response to a possible war.” I tell him. 

“You were a soldier?” He asks while raising one eyebrow.

“No, I’m a sailor. I serve aboard ships.” I explain to him. I pull down the neck of my shirt slightly to reveal a tattoo of an anchor on my bicep.

“Wow... “ He says in a shocked voice.

He walks over to what looks like a closet and takes off the top to his uniform. He grabs what looks to be a white tank top and puts it on. I look at him.

“What are you looking at?” He asks.

“Just uh… Your uniform. It’s so intricate.” I tell him.

“Are you surprised?” He asks in a joking tone.

“Kind of. Because my uniform or uniforms for that matter are simple things. We have a rank, Name tag, Awards and then our standard pants, shirt, shoes and hat.” I say while still looking at his uniform in amazement.

“Well this uniform is purely for ceremonial affairs. Usually I wear something like this” He says while pointing to a gray camo uniform.

“Then why didn’t you wear that when you came to get me?” I ask him in a joking tone.

“Honestly I wore it because I wanted to try to look presentable when making first contact with a new species and also possible ally.” He explains.

“Well the last time kidnapping your possible ally isn’t a smart move” I say in a joking yet serious tone.

“You don’t have to tell me that.” He says while looking down.

I look around his room. I see a large bed. I walk over to it and sit down. I stretch my body. When I lift my arms I smell the stench coming from my armpits. I scoff at this.

“Oof… I need a shower” I say while fanning the stench away from my nose.

Nikolai notices this. He walks over to me. He towers over me.

“What’re you doing?” He asks.

“Nothin’ just stretching my arms a bit.” I say to him I keep my arms pinned to my sides to try to prevent the stench from escaping.

“You sure? I heard you scoff at something.” He asks me. 

“Yeah. Just thinking out loud that’s all.” I say to him.

I see his nose twitch. He starts to smell the air.
“Is that you?” He asks.

I cover my face in embarrassment. I didn’t think he’d notice the smell. I look away from him trying to contain my embarrassment. He notices this and gets down to eye level with me.

“Hey… Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just your natural smell man. All of us have one” He reassures me.

“Yeah but for humans usually it’s frowned upon to have one.” I tell him while still embarrassed.

“What do you mean?” He says while still smelling the air.
I can’t tell if he’s enjoying the smell or if he’s just trying to adjust to it. He stops suddenly. He awaits my response eagerly.

“Humans usually mask their smells with things called colognes and perfumes. We also bathe fairly regularly, like once or twice a day.” I explain to him.

“Oh so similar to Ailorians?” He says.
“What’s an Ailorian?” I ask him in a confused tone.

“That’s what my species is called. Our name comes from the name of this planet.” He explains to me. 

“Well then that poses the question. What’s the name of this planet? You didn’t bother to tell me when we were on the ship.” I ask him in a snippy tone. 

“Good point… Umm the name of this planet is Ailurios.” He tells me.

“Alright… Well atleast I know where I am now.” I joke.

“There’s plenty of information about this planet’s history on the Helio. So if you want me to I can try to get you a vorcey” He tells me.

“Is the Helio like the internet? Like it's a network of computers all across the planet?” I ask him

“Kind of…. It actually is like that but on a galactic scale. Every species and planet in Adrias has access to it.” He explains to me.

“Wow… That’s… I can imagine how crazy that must’ve been to make. Hell some places on earth still don’t have internet access and we’ve been working on it for damn near 40 years.” I tell him. 

“Thanks…. It took centuries to perfect the technology. Trust me much like your species we had issues setting it up in more remote parts of the galaxy but after we established more…. Efficient ways of setting it up we had the entirety of the Andromeda connected.” He tells me in a confident tone. He’s clearly quite proud of the achievement. I still can’t get over the fact that I’m outside of my galaxy. He gets up and sits beside me. He rests his paw on me. He looks at me in a way that’s reassuring. He yawns. I can tell that the events of the prior days have exhausted him. I look at him. He smiles slightly as he flops back on the bed. He pulls me down with him. I awkwardly start laughing. He looks at me slightly concerned.
“Why are you laughing?” He asks.

“I don’t know why… I just feel happy.” I tell him.

“I guess that’s good. That you’re feeling happy.” He says in a soft tone.

I lay there looking into his eyes. I feel my heart rush. It’s weird. I feel happy with this random bear. I feel weirdly comfortable with him. Almost like the past week hasn’t happened. Almost like the issues I had with him disappeared within an instant. He seems so relaxed as we lay there. After a few  minutes he falls asleep. When he does I get up. I look around the room and search for somewhere to sleep. I decide to sleep on the floor so as not to disturb him.  I lay down on the cold floor on the right side of his bed. I fall asleep after a few minutes of staring at the ceiling. I see a figure in front of me. I walk towards it. It looks like a bird. I continue to walk towards it. Each step becoming harder and harder. Suddenly it turns around. Its eyes glow white. It lets out a piercing screech as it flies away. 

“We already knew you were here. But thank you for making it more clear….” 

“We? I thought there was only one of you.” I say into the void.

“There’s a lot of us… We all manifest in different ways…”

“What do you mean by that?” I ask into the void.

“We’re all around you… From the air you breathe to the food you eat. Anything and everything…” 

I suddenly wake up. I’m freezing. My whole body is engulfed in a piercing cold. I get up and look around. Nikolai is still sleeping. I get up and stretch. My body is aching from laying on the floor. I groan as I stretch. I see one of Nikolai’s ears perk up. He’s heard me. I quickly go quiet so I don’t wake up the bear. My efforts have failed. He sits up on his bed. 

“Ugh…. What time is it?” He says in a groggy tone. I can tell he’s not a morning person.

“I’m guessing it's some time in the morning. I’m not exactly sure.” I reply.

I look out of the window and see it’s pitch black outside.

“Actually I think it’s night” I correct myself.

“Then go back to sleep….” He says again in the same groggy tone.

“I can’t. My back is too sore from the floor.” I tell him.

“Then lay down next to me. There’s plenty of room for you here” He tells me.

“I just figured that you’d want your space.” I say to him in a soft tone.

“Trust me you’ll know when I want my space.” He tells me while stretching.

“Alright.” I reply.

I lay down on his bed. My back is instantly soothed. He lays back down and rolls to face me. I smile at him. I roll over and fall asleep. He pulls me into him. I can’t tell his intentions. I don’t know how to feel about him at this point. I feel comfortable. But at the same time I feel apprehensive. I stop thinking about these things for the time being. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. We both fall asleep like this.

Author's Note

First draft of chapter 1. Please look at the notes for Ailurios to understand what I need.

Reviews

[JayG]

• “Don’t f*****g die on me god d****t” “Nikolai please don’t-”

While we write from our own chair, editing needs to be done from that of a reader, who lacks the backstory you begin reading with; lacks your knowledge of the emotion to place into the words; lacks knowledge of the gestures you would visually punctuate with; and can't know your intent for how the words are to be taken.

Looked at that way, Who’s speaking? The reader has not a clue. Where are we in time and space? No idea. What’s going on? No way to know. This could be a boy and his dog, a man and his tractor, or anything those words suggest to the reader, based on THEIR life-experience, not your inten.. You know what's going on. The one speaking knows. Shouldn’t the one you wrote it for? Remember, we cannot retroactively remove confusion. So the reader needs context as, or before they read each word.

And as a not so minor point, what’s the difference between, “Don’t die on me god d****t,” and Don’t f*****g die on me god d****t?” Ending with "god d****t" shows intensity. Other than making the line take a bit longer to read, what does “f*****g” do but poterntially alienate some readers?

Every unnecessary word you can remove speeds the story up and adds impact. And that matters, because unlike life, or film, where we see everything in parallel, print is serial, with everything mentioned one-at-a-time. So strip out anything that doesn't move the plot, develop character, or meaningfully set the scene.

• I snap awake.

Reader first-reaction: The shout that we read about in line 1 is real, and woke the reader. Not what you intended, but that is what you told the reader.

• My body is drenched in sweat.

So it’s hot? Again, not what you meant. But as presented, it is what’s suggested. For you, who have context before you begin reading, it works, perfectly. It's one reason the skills of fiction force the writer to view the scene based on how the protagonist "is living it," not as a series of events to report.

See the problem? You’re presenting this as a chronicle of events, of the form, “This happened...then that happened...and after that...” So the reader learns effect, but not cause. They’re told what WOULD be seen were this a film, but not the protagonist’s interpretation and reaction, And that’s a chronicle, not a story. The reader isn’t involved, emotionally, only fed information. But unless we involve the reader, emotionally, and do that immediately, they turn away.

But your reader isn’t with you to learn of events in the life of a fictional character. They want you to make them feel as if they’re living the events, not learning of them. They want it so real that if someone tosses a rock at the protagonist the reader will duck. As E. L.Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And in all your school years did a single teacher mention that?

They had no reason to. Their job was to prepare you for the needs of your future employer, with the ability to write what they need: nonfiction applications like reports and letters. To write fiction you need the skills of the Commercial Fiction Writing profession, which are emotion, not fact-based.

Unfortunately, the pros make it seem so easy and natural that we assume that writing-is-writing, and we already have that taken care of.

Not good news, I know, after all the work you’ve put into the writing, but it is the real-world situation. To write fiction we need to become a fiction writer. No way around that, even for hobby writing, because while readers can’t see the tools in use as they read, they do see, and expect, the result of using those tools.

The solution? Simple. Add those missing skills and practice them till they’re as intuitive to use as the nonfiction skills of school, and there you are.

Will that involve a lot of work? Of course. You’ll be learning the skills of a profession. But, so what? Learning what you want to know is fun. And the practice is writing stories. And as a bonus, writing with the skills that the pros take for granted is a LOT more fun, because that approach makes the act of writing feel like living the story, with the protagonist, in effect, whispering warnings and suggestions into your ear as you write.

There will be times when it feels as if the protagonist has straightened up, placed hands on their hips, and said, “Wait! You expect me to do THAT, in THIS situation? With the personality, background, resources, and needs you’ve given me? Are you out of your MIND?

And they’ll not only be right, until that happens, your protagonist isn’t real to either you or the reader.

So...to get started, grab a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer from the site I link to below. It’s an older book, but still, the best I’ve found to date at explaining how to add wings to your words. And, it’s free on that archive site.
https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Sorry my news isn’t better, but since the problems I saw aren’t a matter of talent, and invisible till pointed out, I thought you might want to know,

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain